Sibling Jealousy/Rivalry
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Sorry OP,but you have brought it upon yourself, with the "well you can use her room until she comes home, then back to the baby room" - and now you've created a monster!
I do believe that you should have let her have the bedroom fulltime - and that you were wrong in the first place. However, in order to correct the problem you create another problem - as it may reinforce the thought in your younger daughter's mind that in order to get her way, she has to create a furore and cause havoc.
So you are going to have to work hard here - and my suggestion is that you take both daughters out for lunch - somewhere that youngest DD will not kick off. Then talking to them both, say that you have made a mistake, apologise to BOTH of them, tell them that you love them both but you do not like the behaviour of youngest DD - she should not have kicked off as she did, but that youngest DD should have the bigger room all the time - not because she kicked off, but because it is the most sensible thing to do. However,you do expect both sisters to work together in decorating both rooms - and that they help each other to change rooms.
Eldest should be woman enough to accept this situation, and hopefully, by treating younger as an adult, you may start to see better behaviour.
I hope so!0 -
It does sound like there has been an underlying issue throughout.
The bedroom thing is a case in point, and I wonder how much you have inadvertently been giving the older one first dibs at everything.
I wonder if the younger has always been clawing away in order to get first rights to anything in life.
She is railing against life, and feels very aggrieved with her situation.
Someone doesn't go in for the worst insults there are in life first time. This has been brewing for a long time, and I wonder if she has always had to give way, be told she was being silly in an argument and not listened to when she has raised a grievance.
You say you have had to weigh out supper to make things equal, at what point in life did they get things equally?
The bedroom is a case in point. I think when the bedroom started becoming an issue they should have had a timeshare on it. Are there other things this could have become an issue with.
You say the break up was amicable, was it in the eyes of the children, is she feeling aggrieved at something else, and using the inequality as a reason for her behaviour, but actually underneath it all is more there?
I think some counselling, like relate is needed within the family. Some behaviour boundaries. Some methods for both girls on how to calm down.0 -
Sorry OP,but you have brought it upon yourself, with the "well you can use her room until she comes home, then back to the baby room" - and now you've created a monster!
I do believe that you should have let her have the bedroom fulltime - and that you were wrong in the first place. However, in order to correct the problem you create another problem - as it may reinforce the thought in your younger daughter's mind that in order to get her way, she has to create a furore and cause havoc.
Absolutely. Thorsoak, you have recognised the same issue that I did and for which I am being castigated for the worst advice ever.You might as well ask the Wizard of Oz to give you a big number as pay a Credit Referencing Agency for a so-called 'credit-score'0 -
The 16 year olds emotional and behavioural issues go way beyond simple sibling rivalry.
Or it could be that, after a lifetime of being in the shadow of the favoured sister, being turfed out of her own space was just the final straw.
Being totally removed from the house, leaving Mum and older sister together, would just cement the feelings of being of lesser worth.
I wonder if the OP has had time to think about the family dynamics - if there is no difference in the way the daughters have been treated, then there may be something else going on the younger sister's life outside the home that needs to be addressed.0 -
I can assure you I am not attempting to intimidate anybody!You might think it is incredibly bad advice but I am not intimidated by you from standing by it.I note that you don't seem to disagree with me that mother should tell younger daughter that mother was wrong about the room so you seem to be buying into the core of what you are calling the worst advice.
Of course I agree she needs to tell the younger daughter that she was wrong. My 'worst advice' comment was in response to the last line of the bit I quoted, perhaps I should have deleted the rest of the paragraph.Staying at Dad's is not a punishment, it is an opportunity to create some space to resolve this.
It absolutely IS a punishment, she was sent there for kicking off about being moved out of her bedroom.How OP climbs down from this situation is incredibly important.
So the OP admits she was wrong but refuses to put it right? What sort of climb down is that and what sort of message does it send? 'I was wrong but you're going to have to put up with it anyway so I don't lose face'?OP has to act quickly to resolve the unfairness but risks justifying the younger daughter's behaviour if the climbdown is seen as a direct result of the threats. Surely you do not want things to go that way.
Waiting until the elder daughter returns to uni is anything but acting quickly! The issue could be resolved in 5 minutes by eldest daughter just picking up her stuff and moving it to the other room.Make £25 a day in April £0/£750 (March £584, February £602, January £883.66)
December £361.54, November £322.28, October £288.52, September £374.30, August £223.95, July £71.45, June £251.22, May£119.33, April £236.24, March £106.74, Feb £40.99, Jan £98.54) Total for 2017 - £2,495.100 -
Being totally removed from the house, leaving Mum and older sister together, would just cement the feelings of being of lesser worth.
I wonder if the OP has had time to think about the family dynamics - if there is no difference in the way the daughters have been treated, then there may be something else going on the younger sister's life outside the home that needs to be addressed.
While I agree that is a valid concern. I think it would be substantially overcome by an admission from OP that how things had been done was wrong and by putting the bedroom situation right immediately.
I cannot see that it is healthy for the younger to get the room while the older is around. Particularly as a result of a tantrum.You might as well ask the Wizard of Oz to give you a big number as pay a Credit Referencing Agency for a so-called 'credit-score'0 -
Kynthia
I think you make some good points in your post but:
reading the 2 things I've highlighted, it doesn't sound like your parents were fair - at least not in the examples you've given (and there were probably more) and I can see why your sister felt she was treated less favourably.
It's not just the big things that matter, such as paying for driving lessons for both siblings for example, it's the small things too, like letting a child do what they want in the house when they come home after being away for whatever reason.
I agree which is why my mum had a word with me about fitting in and not taking over when I visited home (which the OP should also consider whether this needs doing), and also ensured that she made my sister her favourite meals cooked too. So the OP needs to consider whether she is treating the younger daughter less favourably and that's the cause of the issue, or whether the upscaling of the rivalry is just part of something bigger going on with DD2. Could there be GCSE stress, bullying, hormones, drugs, etc?Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!0 -
While I agree that is a valid concern. I think it would be substantially overcome by an admission from OP that how things had been done was wrong and by putting the bedroom situation right immediately.
I cannot see that it is healthy for the younger to get the room while the older is around. Particularly as a result of a tantrum.
Surely those two bits in bold contradict each other?Make £25 a day in April £0/£750 (March £584, February £602, January £883.66)
December £361.54, November £322.28, October £288.52, September £374.30, August £223.95, July £71.45, June £251.22, May£119.33, April £236.24, March £106.74, Feb £40.99, Jan £98.54) Total for 2017 - £2,495.100 -
In the end it all comes down to communication. Has the 16yo tried to express her feelings. If so, how has it been intercepted? Was she listened to, told not to be silly etc... Is the older sister playing the good cop, always siding with her mum in any dispute between mum and sister etc...
At the same I do agree that there are cases of children who are just naturally jealous no matter what. If it wasn't for the bedroom story, I could believe this could be the case, but considering that every poster has agreed that the bedroom situation is unacceptable when OP clearly doesn't see anything wrong with it does make us lead to thinking that youngest daughter is just at the end of her tither.0 -
recovering_spendaholic wrote: »
We agreed that she could move into the big room but that she would let older DD sleep in there during holiday times. The row started when older DD came home yesterday and younger DD went ballistic because she would have to sleep in her old room.
A couple of posters, including me, have mentioned this agreement.
I would really like the OP to come back and explain what was agreed and by whom.
I suspect the youngest daughter didn't really agree to this at all.
And if she didn't, I can well understand her 'tantrum' at being told to move out.I cannot see that it is healthy for the younger to get the room while the older is around. Particularly as a result of a tantrum.0
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