Sibling Jealousy/Rivalry

Mojisola

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

Older DD is at University and came home for the weekend yesterday, at which younger DD went absolutely balistic throwing things and saying really hateful stuff to me and her sister.

It got so bad that I had to ring her Dad (we are divorced but it is all very amicable) and he had to come round and take her back to his house for the night (neither have ever really stayed overnight at his house). (Younger DD wasn't banished to her Dads she loves going because it is a big house with all kinds of things in that we don't have!)

It all started because younger DD wanted the big bedroom once older DD went to University. We agreed that she could move into the big room but that she would let older DD sleep in there during holiday times. The row started when older DD came home yesterday and younger DD went ballistic because she would have to sleep in her old room.

younger Dd has moved all of her things in (to the room) and I have decorated it to her liking, but the compromise was made that older Dd would SLEEP in the room when she was home and nothing else - main reason for this is that the box room is small and bed has had to be slightly cut down to fit in and older girl is 6ft 2" and younger girl is 5ft 5. It was for practical reasons only and when we originally discussed it younger girl was fine with it.

Anyway we have agreed today that I will get the little room redone and get a new bed (the one now is built in across ways) to put length ways. Both of them knew that this would be done, but not until early next year because of cost. We agreed now that it will be done during the Christmas break, when we will all pitch in (older girl will contribute to cost from her holiday job), and then the switch will be permanent.

That said younger DD was out of order and should not have behaved as she did - she is a hothead and always has been and we could have talked it out last night if she hadn't been so abusive and loud. Everyone has calmed down and apologies offered on both sides.

Adding in the later stuff changes the story and would have led to different advice.

peachyprice

I especially like the kind of dripfeeding when posters don't get the responses they wanted so give further information that supports their own stance.

duchy

peachyprice wrote: »

I especially like the kind of dripfeeding when posters don't get the responses they wanted so give further information that supports their own stance.

It's usually so they can wave printouts to say "Look everyone else thinks I'm right and you are wrong" <sigh>

(Especially true in the "My Mum has the cheek to expect me to pay keep" threads. )

ValHaller

Pollycat wrote: »

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

... Younger DD wasn't banished to her Dads she loves going because it is a big house with all kinds of things in that we don't have!

So in reality, you rewarded her bad behaviour with a treat.

I could not get worked up about that. I was castigated for suggesting leaving her there because everyone perceived it to be a punishment. :p:p

ecgirl07

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Dripfeeding. Don't you love it.

victory wrote: »

I wonder why this was not mentioned?

Maybe because when the OP made the first post she was still in a "distressed" state having just sorted out the argument between daughters which sounded quite fraught, and wasnt thinking clearly to put all the facts in?

Laurajo_2

I'm probably too late to jump in on this, but thought I might offer my two cents, for what's it's worth...

If your older daughter is 23, that means she's had a lot of big 'life events' recently - her 18th, 21st, GCSE results, proms, a level results getting accepted at uni, moving out of the nest, not to mention potentially driving lessons,boyfriends etc......all of these, as parents, you naturally want to make a big fuss over.

At 16, your daughter won't have had these 'red letter days' so, conceivably, she could feel that everything is all about her sister and no ones really interested in her - that's not a criticism, I think a lot of teens go through the same thing.

When your eldest goes back to uni (and after punishing your youngest for the disgraceful behaviour) take your youngest out for a nice lunch and tell her how upsetting and hurtful the whole thing was. Try and find out why she behaved the way she did - and listen.

I'm just reading between the lines here, so forgive me if I'm getting it wrong, but if eldest daughter is away at uni, you maybe have more time to spend with youngest one on one - and then when eldest comes back, you're obviously really pleased to see her and wanting to know everything she's been up to, if she's eating alright, maybe getting special food or treats in for her, cooking her favourite meal, the usual things that mums do when a child returns home for a visit....as well as seeing this, your daughter is shipped back to the box room...it could well make her feel like you are favouring the eldest.

She needs to mature a bit and realise that any extra attention that her big sister has received will be due to her at that stage of her life. Realistically, it is impossible for any parent to treat children equally 100 percent of the time - there are times that one child needs support more than the other or they are having there 'moment in the sun' when the other child might justifiably feel left out (for example, an older child gets bought a treat for doing well in his GCSEs, doesn't mean the younger child should get bought one necessarily).