Sibling Jealousy/Rivalry

recovering_spendaholic

I know that it is very common for siblings to argue and be jealous of each other, but when does it become a bigger problem and something to really worry about? My two girls are 23 and 16 and have always been very jealous of each other, to the point where I have almost had to weigh out the dinners to make sure one wasn't getting more than the other.

Lately it has taken a much more serious turn and my younger DD seems to really hate the older one and says all kinds of vile things about her and is verbally really abusive. Older DD is at University and came home for the weekend yesterday, at which younger DD went absolutely balistic throwing things and saying really hateful stuff to me and her sister.

It got so bad that I had to ring her Dad (we are divorced but it is all very amicable) and he had to come round and take her back to his house for the night (neither have ever really stayed overnight at his house).

Tonight after school it all started again and the rowing was so bad that I am sitting up all night because I am really afraid that younger DD may actually get physical with older DD during the night - so vile were her threats. It all started because younger DD wanted the big bedroom once older DD went to University. We agreed that she could move into the big room but that she would let older DD sleep in there during holiday times. The row started when older DD came home yesterday and younger DD went ballistic because she would have to sleep in her old room.

The rowing escalated to the point that the yelling stopped and younger DD was really cold and calculating and saying that she hated me and her sister and that I was a c**t and she wanted us to die and much worse. It was horrible and I ended up getting really upset.

Do you think I should seek professional advice or has anyone else had experience of this and might it just get better as they get older?

lika_86

No experience of it myself other than the odd moments we all had as kids but certainly nothing from when I was a teenager and older. Although I think it helped that my sister and I were complete opposites so were able to enjoy different things and once we'd gone beyond childhood ballet and gym classes etc we weren't competing for anything.

I think you're right to recognise there's something wrong though.

Does the jealousy still go both ways? How does your eldest feel now she's away from home and day to day life?

Are you able to say why you think they're like it? Just competing for your attention? Or is there some substance to their feelings?

Whilst your youngest's behaviour is not acceptable, why are you making ger give up what is now her bedroom in favour of your eldest who has now left home?! Either it is her room or it isn't. I'd be really annoyed if I had to move out of my own room when someone came home from university (odd weekends, summer, Christmas, Easter). This clearly isn't helping. Your eldest is only home for short periods, she should be fine to have a smaller room (which is now presumably a spare room?) for those times, she can't come home and expect to lay claim to someone else's bedroom just because she's the oldest.

I think it may be worth exploring counselling as clearly there are some very strong feelings involved which you can't expect to get to the bottom of on your own.

barbarawright

lika_86 wrote: »

Whilst your youngest's behaviour is not acceptable, why are you making ger give up what is now her bedroom in favour of your eldest who has now left home?! Either it is her room or it isn't. I'd be really annoyed if I had to move out of my own room when someone came home from university (odd weekends, summer, Christmas, Easter). This clearly isn't helping. Your eldest is only home for short periods, she should be fine to have a smaller room (which is now presumably a spare room?) for those times, she can't come home and expect to lay claim to someone else's bedroom just because she's the oldest.

I agree. I got my older brother's room when he went to college (we have the same sort of age gap) but I got it permanently. If older sister has had the best room until she moved out, it seems only fair to let little sister have it now. Swopping around seems a right faff to me and I would certainly have resented having to do it every few weeks.

yvonne13_2

[QUOTE=
The rowing escalated to the point that the yelling stopped and younger DD was really cold and calculating and saying that she hated me and her sister and that I was a c**t and she wanted us to die and much worse. It was horrible and I ended up getting really upset.

Do you think I should seek professional advice or has anyone else had experience of this and might it just get better as they get older?[/QUOTE]

OP I know this may come across as extreme but the threat of wanting you all to die is no joke.
I think it best you report this matter to your local police. Saying "I hate you" ect ect seems to be a more average thing a jealous child would say, but wanting people dead is no joking matter.

Pollycat

I think you have made a mistake with the (to me, at least) bizarre way you're treating the girls' bedrooms.

However, that doesn't excuse verbal abuse and threats.

You say 'it all started because younger DD wanted the big bedroom once older DD went to University.'

What started?
Why did it start?

If your youngest got the bedroom she wanted, why did anything 'start'?
Or didn't she really 'agree' that she would relinquish her bedroom - with all the clothes and things in it - to her older sister? TBH, it doesn't sound like she agreed to that arrangement at all, or if she did, she'd not really thought about what it would mean when her older sister came home from University.

You seem sure that it is the youngest totally at fault here.
Are you sure the oldest isn't winding her up?
Just a supercilious look or a sarky comment could have tipped her over the edge.
Again, I'm not saying her behaviour is right (it isn't) but you do come across as being totally on the side of the sister who has just come home from University and stepped right back into No 1 spot in the sibling pecking order.
I may be wrong about that but that is how your post reads to me.

As for advice about going to the Police, I personally think this is way OTT.

nonnatus

Good Grief! I thought this was going to be about two YOUNG children, not great big adults.

Step back, OP, and let them sort it out between themselves. As long as you're treating them equally, you have nothing to worry about. They're not actually going to kill each other you know, they must have a COUPLE of active brain cells between them - they probably enjoy the extra attention that all this daft behaviour creates.

Stop enabling them!!

FBaby

Agree too with the decision about the bedrooms. It doesn't make any sense and is totally undermining youngest. The whole thing about a teenager's bedroom is that it is their heaven, the place that is THEIRS to go and hide. The fact that not only she would be expected to share HER space with the person she has issues with, in addition to the message that it give that she is only 'borrowing' the bedroom from her sister to give back when she comes home is very wrong.

Saying that, this on its own doesn't justify at all her behaviour...but it does makes me wonder whether it is one example of an number of instances where you favour oldest daughter without noticing it.

busiscoming2

I too don't understand why the younger DD has to let her sister have here room when she is home. It belongs to one child or another, end of.

I do agree with you there seems to be an underlying problem though. How long have they been like this?

peachyprice

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

It all started because younger DD wanted the big bedroom once older DD went to University. We agreed that she could move into the big room but that she would let older DD sleep in there during holiday times. The row started when older DD came home yesterday and younger DD went ballistic because she would have to sleep in her old room.

Are you really surprised she went ballistic? This is really very unfair, who on earth came up with the idea that shoving your younger DD out of her room just because her sister is gracing you with her presence would be a good thing to do?

pukkamum

First of all I too do not agree with the bedroom thing, it's either her bedroom or it isn't, no wonder she is kicking off, what better way to make her feel less important than her sister.
Secondly this could have been me and my elder sister when she went off to college, I remember us once having a full on fisticuffs one holiday from university.
Looking back now I think a lot of it was me being upset that she wasn't at home anymore and missing her, obviously I would never have admitted that.
Also I felt like she was treated like visiting royalty, mum fussing over her, litte sister desperate for her attention and her with a completely different outlook on life.
Talk to the younger sister apologise for the bedroom debacle and make it clear its her room and she doesn't have to give it up, explain you miss older dd and love having her home but that doesn't mean she is favourite.
Perhaps suggest something her and older dd can do together.
My mum albeit unknowingly caused a lot of angst between my elder sister and me by playing favourites when she came home.
They will sort it out, my elder sister and I laugh about it now.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Is the older one your precious first born? Can she do no wrong?

The younger one now sleeps in that room. End of.

Try to see it her way for once, would you like to be turfed out of your room when someone comes to stay?