Sibling Jealousy/Rivalry

Threebabes

Give her the bedroom, the older one is at uni.

Dont ring the police, ridic!

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

Saying that, this on its own doesn't justify at all her behaviour...but it does makes me wonder whether it is one example of an number of instances where you favour oldest daughter without noticing it.

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Is the older one your precious first born? Can she do no wrong?

Have you ever asked your younger daughter why she reacts like this to her sister and really listened to her answers?

Like the others say - I suspect that you may be the cause of the problem.

Mr_Toad

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

We agreed that she could move into the big room but that she would let older DD sleep in there during holiday times. The row started when older DD came home yesterday and younger DD went ballistic because she would have to sleep in her old room.

This is a problem of your making. What on earth made you decide the above was a good idea? :eek:

Once the oldest left for Uni it was perfectly natural for the younger one to want to upgrade to the better room. For you to then make her move out when the older one comes home is divisive, how do you imagine it makes the younger one feel? What an earth is wrong with the older girl spending her few nights visit in the smaller room?

Firstly you should never have made the above decision and secondly if your older girl had any shred of decency she would have realised this and offered to sleep in the smaller room while she was visiting.

To add insult to injury she has been bundled off to her Dad's. I bet the poor girl feels really loved and cherished. You have some serious bridge building to do!!!!


When my oldest went to Uni his sister moved into the bigger room, in fact she helped him move out by chucking his stuff out on to the landing while he was still packing. :rotfl:

He was really great about it and helped her to swap the stuff he was leaving into the smaller room.

Whenever he came home he slept in the small room and never complained or even commented.

ValHaller

Mojisola wrote: »

Have you ever asked your younger daughter why she reacts like this to her sister and really listened to her answers?

Like the others say - I suspect that you may be the cause of the problem.

I agree. I used to know a family with 3 daughters in a 3 bedroom house, They were quite close in age and every year one of them would have a turn at having the box room to herself.

In your case, RS, if the older daughter has had the larger room while she was at home, the younger one probably had a quite reasonable expectation of having that room to herself for a year or 2 once the older girl went to uni or where ever.

The right answer would be have put the younger in the larger room straight away. It would not have been good to leave her in the smaller room, because she would see the space totally unused for months at a time. But what you have is absolutely the worst option - to put her in the larger room and make her move back - because you are setting the stage for exactly what happened - an eruption of stored resentment every time the older one comes home.

Bear in mind that the family dynamic has changed with the older going to uni and her return will always be a potential flashpoint.

Nowyou need to put things right by giving the younger girl the larger room. But your problem is that if you do so, you will appear to condone the behaviour. It seems to me that the younger one may have passive aggressive tendencies which you need to unwind - you need to get her to express her dissatisfactions in an acceptable way - and express the cause of the dissatisfaction ie it is about the room rather than expressing her feelings about it, ie she wants to kill everyone.

And she needs to know that if she expresses the cause in an acceptable way, you will listen and you will act fairly, you will not kick her concerns into the long grass.

If you don't get this sorted, she is probably going to do something like get married way too early just to get away from you and it will be over quickly and angrily because she won't have learned to express her legitimate concerns in a form which will allow her partner to do anything to put things right.

I am not exactly sure of this, but I think you need to speak to her asap - like today and certainly before her sister goes back to uni - and acknowledge very clearly that you have got it very wrong over the rooms. And let her know that you will put that right as soon as her sister goes back to uni.

Meanwhile, you should leave her with your ex until sister goes back. And don't forget to tell the older one that the rooms are going to change as soon as she goes back to uni. Give her an opportunity to have her input into making the move.

If nothing else it gives you a chance to deal with an issue and express your concern about how younger is behaving as something of an example of how she should express her own concerns.

Errata

OP - you could have asked your DD to go to her room and calm down when she started being verbally abusive. You could have, if your DD knew which room was hers - she doesn't, neither do you and neither does your older DD.
Your treatment of your youngest DD is pretty shabby and it appears your eldest DD is content to condone it.

emweaver

It is now her bedroom so I think it is silly she has to sleep in the guest room when her sister comes back to visit. I would have gone ballistic too if that was me as I know sisters rummage through each others stuff and take things. She probably feels invaded.

The oldest has moved out so she should be in the guest room when she visits.

jetplane

Sorry but if this bedroom incident is an example of how the eldest has priority over the youngest then no wonder the 16 year old is frustrated. When my daughter was 16 her grandparents were about the only people she would have been happy to give up her bed for.

What does the 23 year old think? Why on earth would she consider taking her sisters room? Why would she let you sit up all night to protect her?

You must know how / when this rivalry started, what has fuelled it and recognise the flash points.

whitewing

I agree about letting lil sis have the big room full time. Even if she decides to go to her dad's whille big sis comes home, her room should be respected.

Why have neither stayed overnight at their dad's before? Surely that's a great way to get some help with parenting as he could see how they behave together and they may well learn to behave better with him (because he may have more energy to deal with it, not experiencing it all the time).

FBaby

Also, it's not as if the Uni student is in her first year. Either she had some gap years, in which case, where was she then and did she still have the big room), or she is a master's student and surely it is about time she makes her own life. 23 is quite old to still expect to come to mummy's home and make it hers.

Kynthia

I haven't read the other replies so apologies if I repeat something or have missed something. Now was this jealousy an issue before? Have DD2's behaviour worsened in ways unrelated to DD1 recently? I'm reminded of issues with me and my younger sister when she was 16 and I went to uni. We'd always argued but it was interspersed with times of socialising. However I think my move to uni coincided with a crazy hormonal time with my sister there were other issues too. Things went crazy with her at school, she fell out with friends, went out without permission, made threats, etc. Things got worse over the next few years and there was even troubles when she went to uni. However I think I was oblivious to how the household changed when I was away and I'd come home and act like things were before which was probably very annoying. Such as I'd take over the tv remote and mum would make my favourite for dinner, plus I'd get attention and my sister had always been obsessed with 'fairness' and had always felt she was treated less favourably. She wasn't and knows it now, my parents are incredibly fair and generous, and she gets more support now as her circumstances require it.

So I guess I'm asking whether you think it's just a sibling issue or do you think DD2 is going through something that's affecting her whole life? Try not to make DD1's visits home a major event and have a word with her about how things change while she's away and she has to fit back in. Also maybe try to spend one on one time with DD2 and do special things/treats together so that she feels special too. Take heart that my sister and I had a fab relationship once we permanently stopped living together and even go in holiday together.