Sibling Jealousy/Rivalry

lika_86

OP - did your ex speak to your youngest about it when he collected her? Did she explain/complain to him about what her problem with her sister is?

ValHaller

FatVonD wrote: »

Surely those two bits in bold contradict each other?

Given the number of years this has been running, any time in the next week is immediately. Grief you have a critical attitude today.

The longer she stays with her Dad, the more immediately can be put off. And I think immediately she comes home, it should be sorted. As thorsoak recognised, there is a risk of reinforcing the idea that she will get what she wants with a tantrum and a few death threats.

This situation is a charged coiled spring, the best analogy I can give. It needs the tension taking right out of it ASAP. But act too quickly and it is going to uncoil destructively.

I cannot see that younger should come home and be put back in the smaller room while the older is still at home. That would completely undermine the perception of good faith in putting things right over the bedroom But what if younger is given the room while older is still at home? Younger only needs to express a bit of schadenfreude to the older for older to say something self-righteously critical of the younger - and you cannot tell me she will not be fired up if she comes straight home. If that kicks off to something bigger, which would be almost certain, then all of the good effort of sorting out the bedroom will have gone to waste as all the other issues come bubbling to the surface.

Believe me, I can see keeping her at Dad's has its down sides - but those are downsides for the moment and I believe that the price is well worth paying for getting a good resolution on the bedroom immediately on her return.

ValHaller

FatVonD wrote: »

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So the OP admits she was wrong but refuses to put it right? What sort of climb down is that and what sort of message does it send? 'I was wrong but you're going to have to put up with it anyway so I don't lose face'?

That is totally a construct of your own mind and I have to say it is a little contemptible to suggest that this is what I am suggesting.

ValHaller

Pollycat wrote: »

I suspect the youngest daughter didn't really agree to this at all.
And if she didn't, I can well understand her 'tantrum' at being told to move out.

I can understand the tantrum. But the problem is how to put it right without reinforcing the tantrum as the means of putting things right.

FatVonD

ValHaller wrote: »

That is totally a construct of your own mind and I have to say it is a little contemptible to suggest that this is what I am suggesting.

But surely once one admits they're wrong about something they shouldn't just carry on doing it anyway, even though they know it's wrong?

duchy

Whoa This brouyght back some memories of the undermining of the non favoured child in my childhood.

It was a really stupid idea in the first place-and I also wonder whose suggestion it was. Mum's-Falling into the -she's leaving home but I don't want her to feel she can't come back .........Big Sis- I'm off away but don't want anything to change at home...... Little Sis - Once I have the room they can't take it back ?

What is Dad's take on the situation ?

I agree with the idea of the three of you going out to lunch-so no-one can kick off. I think you as the parent need to say "I'm sorry I made a mistake agreeing to this idea" It isn't fair or workable. That said - I'm agreeing the room is DD2's -fulltime BUT there are consequences for all the upset caused so she's grounded for a week (or whatever is a clear but not draconian punishment in your home).

This addresses the issue that the OP is not rewarding the bad behaviour with the room-but is treating the room and the behaviour as two distinct issues.

How would that work OP? Your youngest DD was out of order but does have some justification as the situation was unfair in the first place. This rights the wrong but also addresses the issue of inappropriate way she expressed her disatisfaction. Hopefully oldest DD will see how unfair it was once she's thought about it....but if she doesn't - she's 23 so will just need to suck it up as an adult.

Errata

Who caused all the upset? Mum did.

duchy

Errata wrote: »

Who caused all the upset? Mum did.

We don't know she did -it might be big sister said " DD2 can have my room whilst I am away" and no-one challenged it at the time....or that DD2 said "I'll have your room whilst you are away" .

ValHaller

FatVonD wrote: »

But surely once one admits they're wrong about something they shouldn't just carry on doing it anyway, even though they know it's wrong?

Why are you asking this off the back of quoting me? It is entirely a construct of your own mind - and rather contemptible of you to suggest that I am suggesting this.

FatVonD

ValHaller wrote: »

Why are you asking this off the back of quoting me? It is entirely a construct of your own mind - and rather contemptible of you to suggest that I am suggesting this.

But you HAVE suggested it! You have suggested making the girl stay at her dad's until her sister vacates her room to go back to uni!??