Sibling Jealousy/Rivalry

FBaby · 19 October 2013 at 10:47AM

She wasn't and knows it now, my parents are incredibly fair and generous, and she gets more support now as her circumstances require it.

It is quite the norm for the child who is favour to consider that they never were and things were fair. In the end, if a child feels less favour, it is highly likely that they are less favoured. Even if it is the case that they were not (as in an outsider would see it as such), it remains that they feel this way and it would be beneficial to get to the root of their feeling this way.

My mum told me a couple of years ago, in a very tactful way, that she thought I was favouring my son over my daughter. I immediately went on the defensive, saying that it was true, it was just that this and that etc.... However, I became more conscious of what I said and did and realised that it didn't favour him in the grand scheme of things, but in the little things, like I was more likely to listen to him telling me about his day, than my daughter, that I was more willing to do an activity that he liked than one she did, that I was more likely to account my meeting with his teacher to friends and family, that my meeting with my daughter's... Her behaviour wasn't bad then, but deep inside, I could feel some distance that wasn't there before. I've changed my ways, and I have really seen the difference since, between her and I, but also between her and her brother, although to be fair, they have always got along well.

Lunar_Eclipse · 19 October 2013 at 10:47AM

I don't think this is mainly about bedrooms (although I agree DD2 should now have the larger bedroom.)

The two girls are obviously very competitive with each other, probably because one or both of them feel you favour one of them (probably the eldest.) They may also detest each other as people which makes it much harder.

I have experience of my younger sister being treated like a princess when I went to uni, to the point where I didn't want to visit in the holidays, because I couldn't stand my parents letting her get away with blue murder (which wasn't that bad but much more leniency than I had at the same age.) I think she also felt put out when I came home, because understandably my parents were pleased to see me. I just couldn't face the conflict. We get on better as adults, but it's only caus I tolerate her and limit contact to small periods. We're fundamentally quite different people and I have to walk away when she 'goes off on one'.

I can also see some jealousy streaks in my two daughters, although on the whole they get on well. The youngest thinks we favour DD1 and DD1 thinks we're softer on DD2. I have concluded these are common 'pecking order feelings'. We love our girls equally and try to treat them fairly. Do you honestly feel the same OP, or do you favour DD1?

The disrespectful/nasty one is always in the wrong in our house. So in the OP's case, this is DD2: she is behaving in a completely unacceptable and immature manner, which wouldn't be tolerated here, regardless of whether her feelings were 'correct'. I would address the feelings and make changes as appropriate (the bedrooms) but there are ways of dealings with conflict and this isn't one of them!

Dunroamin · 19 October 2013 at 10:54AM

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

I know that it is very common for siblings to argue and be jealous of each other, but when does it become a bigger problem and something to really worry about? My two girls are 23 and 16 and have always been very jealous of each other, to the point where I have almost had to weigh out the dinners to make sure one wasn't getting more than the other.

Lately it has taken a much more serious turn and my younger DD seems to really hate the older one and says all kinds of vile things about her and is verbally really abusive. Older DD is at University and came home for the weekend yesterday, at which younger DD went absolutely balistic throwing things and saying really hateful stuff to me and her sister.

It got so bad that I had to ring her Dad (we are divorced but it is all very amicable) and he had to come round and take her back to his house for the night (neither have ever really stayed overnight at his house).

Tonight after school it all started again and the rowing was so bad that I am sitting up all night because I am really afraid that younger DD may actually get physical with older DD during the night - so vile were her threats. It all started because younger DD wanted the big bedroom once older DD went to University. We agreed that she could move into the big room but that she would let older DD sleep in there during holiday times. The row started when older DD came home yesterday and younger DD went ballistic because she would have to sleep in her old room.

The rowing escalated to the point that the yelling stopped and younger DD was really cold and calculating and saying that she hated me and her sister and that I was a c**t and she wanted us to die and much worse. It was horrible and I ended up getting really upset.

Do you think I should seek professional advice or has anyone else had experience of this and might it just get better as they get older?

Which daughter got bundled off to her dad's?

Kynthia · 19 October 2013 at 11:02AM

FBaby wrote: »

It is quite the norm for the child who is favour to consider that they never were and things were fair. In the end, if a child feels less favour, it is highly likely that they are less favoured. Even if it is the case that they were not (as in an outsider would see it as such), it remains that they feel this way and it would be beneficial to get to the root of their feeling this way.

Not denying that, but you can also argue that a spoilt and demanding child resents every little thing done for their siblings (not saying my sister was

). It's also the case that children are sometimes more conscious of what their parents do for their siblings and notice less what their parents do for them. There's all kinds of families, personalities and scenarios. I'm sure my parents weren't always 100% fair as they are human but my mum was one of many siblings so she was always conscious of being fair. If as adults all siblings can look back and see things were fair and are happy then the parents did a good job.

FBaby · 19 October 2013 at 11:03AM

We agreed that she could move into the big room but that she would let older DD sleep in there during holiday times

Just picked up on this. When you say 'agreed' did youngest agree? Did you actually sit around the table and discussed it? Was there some kind of deal made?

FBaby · 19 October 2013 at 11:08AM

I do agree Kinthia that some kids are naturally more absorbed with fairness and more likely to have a jealous string than others but I still think that the child who is favoured is really aware of it, or if they are, they often think it is because they deserve it more. It is often a self-fulfilling prophecy both ways.

FatVonD · 19 October 2013 at 11:20AM

ValHaller wrote: »

I am not exactly sure of this, but I think you need to speak to her asap - like today and certainly before her sister goes back to uni - and acknowledge very clearly that you have got it very wrong over the rooms. And let her know that you will put that right as soon as her sister goes back to uni.

Absolutely disagree with this, why should she have to wait until her sister vacates what is now HER room!

ValHaller wrote: »

Meanwhile, you should leave her with your ex until sister goes back.

Sorry, but I think this is the worst advice ever (well, maybe after calling the Police!).

OP needs to put her hands up and tell her youngest daughter that she got it totally wrong and she's sorry and move her back home. I can't even begin to imagine what the poor girl feels like first being turfed out of her room and then out of the house all because the golden child (in her eyes) came home to stay.

Pollycat · 19 October 2013 at 11:28AM

Kynthia
I think you make some good points in your post but:

Kynthia wrote: »

However I think I was oblivious to how the household changed when I was away and I'd come home and act like things were before which was probably very annoying. Such as I'd take over the tv remote and mum would make my favourite for dinner, plus I'd get attention and my sister had always been obsessed with 'fairness' and had always felt she was treated less favourably. She wasn't and knows it now, my parents are incredibly fair and generous, and she gets more support now as her circumstances require it.

reading the 2 things I've highlighted, it doesn't sound like your parents were fair - at least not in the examples you've given (and there were probably more) and I can see why your sister felt she was treated less favourably.

It's not just the big things that matter, such as paying for driving lessons for both siblings for example, it's the small things too, like letting a child do what they want in the house when they come home after being away for whatever reason.

ValHaller · 19 October 2013 at 11:38AM

FatVonD wrote: »

Absolutely disagree with this, why should she have to wait until her sister vacates what is now HER room!

Sorry, but I think this is the worst advice ever (well, maybe after calling the Police!).

OP needs to put her hands up and tell her youngest daughter that she got it totally wrong and she's sorry and move her back home. I can't even begin to imagine what the poor girl feels like first being turfed out of her room and then out of the house all because the golden child (in her eyes) came home to stay.

You might think it is incredibly bad advice but I am not intimidated by you from standing by it. I note that you don't seem to disagree with me that mother should tell younger daughter that mother was wrong about the room so you seem to be buying into the core of what you are calling the worst advice.

Staying at Dad's is not a punishment, it is an opportunity to create some space to resolve this. How OP climbs down from this situation is incredibly important. OP has to act quickly to resolve the unfairness but risks justifying the younger daughter's behaviour if the climbdown is seen as a direct result of the threats. Surely you do not want things to go that way.

So some distance needs to be put between the behaviour and the resolution of the bedroom situation. Daughter also needs time and space to cool down. It is not ideal, but I don't think she should be placed in contact with older sister and given any opportunity to express sibling schadenfreude until the next time sister is at home. I am assuming it is unreasonable to get older to go somewhere else.

marisco_2 · 19 October 2013 at 11:38AM

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

Do you think I should seek professional advice or has anyone else had experience of this and might it just get better as they get older?

How much older do you expect your daughters to get before they are expected to behave in a civilised manner under your roof? In all honesty I thought this was going to be a thread about toddlers not an adult and a mid teen.

The 16 year olds emotional and behavioural issues go way beyond simple sibling rivalry. I think you need to either speak to their school or gp, explain exactly what is going on and ask for help to seek appropriate referrals.

I don't think the expectation that your older daughter should get to use her old room, when she returns home during university breaks, goes any way to help this situation though. That decision was bound to cause tension and upset to a young teen who wants her own space and privacy. Surely the 23 year old can appreciate that and be flexible.

Sibling Jealousy/Rivalry

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