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Ever acceptable to not pay for kids?
Comments
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Person_one wrote: »But...the original problem, before we got into the [STRIKE]justification [/STRIKE]backstory, was that the OP had lost her job and money was short. That could happen however nice a person the ex is...
No, because if the ex was decent, she would help the OP's husband if he was genuinely struggling but they would probably not be divorced in the first place anyway.0 -
Okay, so what is the original court order? Is it a contact order to your husband 'allowing' 50:50 care, or is it actually Shared Residence? There's an important difference, as Shared Residence is harder to litigate against if the kids, umm, decide not to go back one day ;-)
You say you've been with hubby >10 years...that makes his first two kids what? Eleven, 12 yrs old at least I guess? At this age, any kind of residency hearing would hinge on what they wanted anyway via CAFCASS report etc.
Finally, legal aid for family stuff got scrapped back in April I believe, so the ex won't get money to play courts with you for free: this is important info, as it means she can't AFFORD to go to court and mess about if the kids, ahem, decided not to return to her place.
I think it is quite clear your husband is sheet-scared of the ex and access to the kids being restricted. But it sounds as though the kids are too old for that kind of tactic to be very effective now that they are used to 50:50. He can relax about this, the woman doesn't have as much power as he thinks.
Unless there is a huge gap in earnings, I see no reason why he should pay additionally in a 50:50 care arrangement. He needs to discuss this with her, because although she *could* go to the CSA, I can't imagine she'll come off with much: hell, its even possible YOU should apply for maintenance from her given that her household has two incomes.
I don't care too much whether the ex is evil or not: I think it is almost certainly true that this woman likes recieving the money, so whether she's lovely or not, she is going to be MAD when the money stops. Your husband needs to insure against this by explaining to his kids why/what he's doing , so that mentally they are clear what is going on (And helps them realise that Mum's bull "Your Dad doesn't want you anymore cuz he's stopped paying etc etc etc" isn't true).
Whatever the moral worth of the ex, your husband should not be putting his younger two at a disadvantage simply to avoid trouble from her. This will ultimately cause your younger two to resent him and/or their older siblings in the future.0 -
No, because if the ex was decent, she would help the OP's husband if he was genuinely struggling but they would probably not be divorced in the first place anyway.
So you think that 'decent people' only seperate if one is horrible and if they're both decent they will stay together? *scratches head*If women are birds and freedom is flight are trapped women Dodos?0 -
Struggling to keep up, again thanks to every single person for replying, so much constructive advice, I really do appreciate everyone taking time to post :-)
My husband put up with a lot more than he should of, his parents went through a horrendous divorce so he stuck with her for the childrens sakes! They split when she got pregnant to another man!!
A family friend is a senior social worker in an adjoining town, it was her who says unfortunately they are so overworked and understaffed that they have to prioritise abuse. The children are fed, they may witness violence but are not hit, its just lazy neglect, and unfortunately that isn't a priority!
JoJo tightfisted I too have piercings and tattoos and am guilty of smoking weed when I was a teen. However we have an issue with it when its being blown into a childs face for giggles (that's the incident where we refused to return kids).
There are court orders for Shared Residence and Equal Parental Rights (its the Equal Parental Rights that came first I believe,thats the one which states no money will be owed to either party.
The kids are 10 and 11. They are understandably torn, and we have given them the option that if they WANT to live with us they can, however they love their mum and other siblings, love their school and their friends in the neighbourhood, they don't want to move. They don't realise its not acceptable to not clothe them appropriately, or to tell them to keep their socks and pants on for 3 days and nights running. She isn't "bad" to them. She has in the past tried to mess with their head (telling them our children were not their real siblings, or that they didn't need to do what I told them as I was nothing to them) but nothing really poisonous (small mercies eh!)
I had absolutely no idea that the rules about Legal Aid has changed. That's a massive relief and I would guess it would be a game changer, once she knows she cant hold that over our heads I think my husband would feel better about standing up to her.
I'm still confused about whether my request is unreasonable, I suppose there is no clear cut answer to it. My mother in law fought tooth and nail for fil to give her peanuts to raise 3 children, he was never there and would constantly let them down. So I can see why my partner feels morally he should pay for them. While his lack of back bone is annoying I can't complain that he has such strong morals.
I feel guilty, if I wasn't a leech living off him, if I was earning money equally I wouldn't need to put him in such a tough situation.0 -
I'm still confused about whether my request is unreasonable, I suppose there is no clear cut answer to it. My mother in law fought tooth and nail for fil to give her peanuts to raise 3 children, he was never there and would constantly let them down. So I can see why my partner feels morally he should pay for them. While his lack of back bone is annoying I can't complain that he has such strong morals.
I think it's very clear cut.
The court said both parents share care and neither has to pay the other maintenance.
It's a very different situation to that of your mother in law. His ex has the children only half the time but keeps all the benefits relating to the children and has money from their father!0 -
I think it's very clear cut.
The court said both parents share care and neither has to pay the other maintenance.
Absolutely agree with this. And so your request is not unreasonable at all.
I think ultimately, the acid test in this situation is if your husband is [STRIKE]too terrifed to stop paying[/STRIKE] morally obliged to continue paying is to ask whether your husband would consider paying a reduced amount to his ex? (say, half what he hands over now). If he baulks at that then you know its simply fear of ex. Even half the amount would surely be a compromise and a help?
As to blowing smoke (of any variety) in kids face...stop funding the lifestyle by haemorrhaging cash to them each month, eh?0 -
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Originally Posted by SuzieSue
I said probably. Why do you only read what you want to read?
So decent people probably don't get divorced? You really think that?
Aww guys, what does this add to the debate for poor ol Muchly? x0 -
harrys_nan wrote: »Social services seem to be a waste of time, how many more children have to slip throught the net before something is done about everything that is going wrong????
I do wish people would stop pedalling out this mantra. How many kids have slipped through the net exactly compared to the kids on an already overwhelmed caseload? Sure we are highlighted to the atrocities of 3 huge profile cases I can think of (Victoria Climbe, Baby P and now this poor polish lad) but I can assure you that social services are hugely overwhelmed, overworked and underpaid. So please stop stereotyping them! If you think you could do better then go get a social work degree and let's see how your fair. :mad:0
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