Ever acceptable to not pay for kids?

muchly

Bit of back story, partner has 2 kids with ex, has court ordered equal parental rights which state no party would be required to pay the other, however he has never missed a payment, giving her a substantial amount every month.
We have 2 children together, I lost my job without warning at new year and despite applying for jobs daily I've had no luck (doesn't help I've had limited availability due to lack of childcare). Partners wage is higher than nmw but lower then local average. Last 7 months on one wage has been hell, fallen behind on several bills etc.
This month it's our youngest birthday and both our children will be starting school and require uniform (school jumper alone is £12 each, eldest has problems with her feet so can't have the cheaper supermarket shoes) I've tried to buy as much second hand as possible but several items need to be school logo and therefore cost more. Family has helped as much as they can by buying school bags/lunch bag etc but actual clothing they still need.
On the other hand neither his ex nor her partner work, he has some dodgy dealings though. They are just back from an expensive holiday abroad, they have latest gadgets, always getting tattoos, going for meals and nights out. Their younger children (not my partners) are dressed head to toe in designer clothes. They received a uniform grant of £55 per child but admitted she didn't need to get much so she bought herself new trainers instead. Partners children are not well cared for. Shoes are much too small, 10 year old wearing shorts and crop tops for 3-4 y/o when it's snowing. We have to keep clothes and shoes here for them (they split custody) we tried sending clothes home with them but they'd be sold! They don't get to go on holidays or day trips with their siblings.so we are paying her maintenance although he's not required to, and we still have to feed and dress them half the week.
Now this month we got hit with an earnings arrestment for council tax (for this years bill). We were granted a time to pay order but not before they'd arrested this months wage! It's left us absolutely broke. I have been trying to go bankrupt ( I have a lot of debt built up by my ex that I'd been paying off until hit with redundancy) however I can't afford the fee so had to put it on the back burner. In a moment of desperation I'd looked for a loan to pay for uniform, something very small for birthday and food/electric/gas for the rest of the month but it's not going to happen.
Now I've asked my partner if it's possible not to pay maintenance JUST THIS MONTH, which would mean we could get food mad electric and minimum essential uniform he refuses. What upsets me is hearing his ex brag that she's spent £100 on alcohol on one night out while I can't put shoes on my children's feet or food on the table!
Am I being unreasonable? If I thought for a moment his children would be at risk if he didn't pay then I would never ask him to miss it. But it feels like we fund her lavish lifestyle while I'm counting pennies to buy bread and milk!
I apologise if this is hard to read, trying to-do this on a tiny phone screen after an epic 9 hour drive back from a funeral after 3 hours sleep!!

muchly

By the way when we had our children we were both in good jobs and could afford it, I was paying off debt from a previous relationship but all our bills were paid together. I had been promised I'd be made a director of the company I worked for this summer just days before being let go so I stupidly assumed I had job security! We dint have savings as I put as much as I could into paying off debt. When we started a family we could afford them!!

MarilynMonroe_2

I thought uniform grants had been stopped?

But I'd have to say even if hsi ex was a millionaire he should still pay for his kids. I appreciate you're saying to stop for only one month though. I don't think it should matter what her financial situation is.

I don't get anything off my daughters dad, he doesnt understand that even if I didnt need his money he should still pay, and no matter what his financial situation he should pay something towards his daughter nd go without a few things - he just doesnt get it!

muchly

I thoughts too but seems our local authority are still doing them!
I've always been proud that my man has paid for his kids and never missed a day with them since he split with his ex, I appreciate a lot of single mums dont have that withtheir ex.But they have joint custody, they have the children equal amount of time (in fact they were taken off her by social services and put with him for just under a year).
I agree he should always pay for them, while I may begrudge (and admittedly feel jealous) that his hard earned money pays towards her lavish lifestyle while his kids don't see the benefit of any of it, it's been accepted that together they made lives together they must pay for them.
I suppose I'm so desperate this month it's a last resort for one month only. But like I said I didn't know if I was being unreasonable. And one thing I'm learning about this forum is people tell you straight lol.

MarilynMonroe_2

hehe sorry if I was a bit brash, I suppose I am a bit bitter on this question!
I can see where you're coming from though. Has he suggested another way of you getting by this month?
x

muchly

No not at all, I didn't mean that in a bad way that people on the forum tell you what for, I like it lol :-)
I know it's an emotive subject, too many waste of space fathers who don't pay/take responsibility for their children!
No, he did approach local credit union but they refused his application. We are trying to sell our car and a friend has just offered me some shifts as a takeaway delivery driver but neither will give us money to see us through the next couple of weeks. Kids start school on the 20th of this month! His parents are useless and my mum is a widow with a disabled son who's just been landed with her brothers funeral costs. She's already helped as much as she can.
You know how sometimes you just cant see a way out :-( I've never been out of work this long since I was 14, not even after having my kids. I wouldn't mind if it was just luxuries we were missing out on but so far it's 4 days till my youngest birthday and I don't even have the cash for a birthday card never mind a present :-(

Lunar_Eclipse

Sorry to hear of your situation. I don't really know what to say, except not to worry about your youngest's birthday too much. It's much more of a big deal to you. I'm guessing he/she is turning 4 (or 5), since you mention starting school. So could you make some gifts?

At that age, mine would have been thrilled with a large cardboard box (ask at supermarket or electrical store) very basically decorated to look like a house/rocket/car. In addition, you could blow giant bubbles using a bottle of fairy liquid and a big homemade blowing wand made using a coat hanger. Or, if you have any slopes nearby, take them grass sledging on cardboard; it's so much fun!

Do you have ingredients to make a basic cake?

Don't panic, just try to think creatively and outside the box. I know it might not be the birthday you planned, but you can still make it the best one yet!

And good luck with job hunting etc. I suggest a visit to Citizens Advice in case they can help.

peachyprice

Just and idea, and know knowing figures I don't know if it will help, but as it's the school holidays could he suggest that his children stay with you for a month in lieu of him paying maintenance (that he doesn't need to be paying anyway according to the court). It doesn't sound as if the children are loved or cared for where they are anyway.

Did he still pay full whack when the children came to stay with you went they went abroad? Does he reduce it accordingly if he has them more that she does? I think while you're out of work and are able to have the children more he needs to evaluate how much he gives her. Does he feel gulity about the split?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

What percentage of his wages is he paying her in the first place?

seven-day-weekend

It is not his childrens' fault that you have fallen on hard times, nor that his mother may not spend the money on them. Of course he should pay (or have them live with him in lieu of payment, as someone else has said).

I hope you manage to find a way around your situation.

peachyprice

I'm sorry, but I don't subscribe to this 'he is a man so he must pay' train of thought.

They have equal shared care, the children should be spending equal time with both parties, if they really are spending equal time with both parents why should he have to pay the mother more? As long as the father is providing the children with clothes, shoes, food, travel, heating etc., to the same value as the mother why is he also expected to stump up cash too?

She's already quids in because she's the one claiming child benefit and tax credits. Perhaps she should be handing over 50% of that to the father? But no, she's a mother, and a crap one by the sounds of it, but she deserves to be using the children as a cash cow because she gave birth. The whole attitude stinks.

Flame away.