Marriage Advice

Errata

I think that the main problem is one of routine and, if anything, becoming too comfortable with each other

Routine and feeling comfortable equals stability and trust. Don't exchange that for the sake of some head in the air 'romantic' illusory infatuation.

Sarahsaver

Dippychick wrote: »

After 6 years of being together, I am terrible in bed :rotfl:

I was great at the beginning!

It does not HAVE to get worse;)


the head in the clouds thing though has been researched and lasts from 6 months to 3 years. so with anyone the feeling of slight boredom will set in, but you have to look to the future and see that all around you life is full of change.
i would LOVE to be like my neighbours who were one aged in their 70s the other in their 80s and they were so happy together, and had so many life experiences shared together. That is surely priceless.

swiss69

My view is that you were very young when you met and if you have not had any other experience since then you will be tempted at some point. That point has now arrived.

All this the "grass is never greener" is just a cliche. I know lots of people who have split up with long term partners os spouses and are much happier now than they were.

If you still love your wife and are still passionate together then I would say work at it. If you feel like your wife is no more than a best friend or is like a sister to you then i would say end it now before you have any kids as believe me it will be ten times worse then! At 25 you are too young to rue missed opportunities and feel like you made a mistake.

I know some people will disagree with me but these are just my opinions.

cootebird

It's a thin line you tread when attention from someone you are attracted to, becomes someone you would like to be with.

Lap up the attention, but let her down gently. You clearly aren't the type of chap who wants a quick fumble and do show an amount of respect, which is to be proud of. Don't beat yourself up about how your feelings have taken over. You have to stop, take a step back and look at the situation. Which it appears, you are doing!

You love your wife, and you have refrained from taking your friendship with this other lady any further. To be admired by today's standards.

Once the thin line has been crossed, it's time you distanced yourself from the attention giver, and turn your attention to your wife.

Marriage is hard work. So work hard at it!

paddy's_mum

I've been there and done that, got the t-shirt and waiting for the film of the book to come out so I'm going to be quite a bit more blunt than the "grass is greener" train of thought.

This other "lady" is giving you every come-on signal that there is. You have talked openly together about taking it further. She knows you are married. She has no respect for your wife and is only interested in pursuing you. Therefore, in my book, she has no respect for herself either and is being totally dishonest and dishonourable. How many lies has she already told in order to continue chasing you?

Think on this - if she is so willing to help you cheat on your wife (and possibly her own other half?) doesn't that suggest that this is not new behaviour? She has done this before, without a doubt. If you are the new man, how long before she meets someone devastatingly attractive and much less boring than you (if you see what I mean?) and you are the next in the series to get cheated on and ditched.

If you feel that you have no option but to end an unhappy marriage then do so ... but don't take up with this woman. I can guarantee that if you said you wanted a year out on your own to sort your head, she would not be waiting faithfully for you at the end of it!

A woman like this who is so very willing to be the co-respondent in your wife's divorce action - I wouldn't touch with a ten foot barge pole!

paddy's_mum

Just sat out in the sunshine having a cuppa .. and two other things occurred to me. While you are still so undecided, make sure that your wife doesn't find out that you have established a relationship of sorts with this other woman. We all know that people talk and others around you are seldom as blind as you imagine. Your wife may well decide that the wish is father to the deed and that she no longer wants you!

Secondly, what does the other woman see as any kind of a long-term future with you? Are you seriously suggesting that a woman would place her trust in you, a man who has already almost proved that he would cheat on a wife if a sufficiently interesting opportunity arose? It has been my experience that if someone has already cheated, they would have no hesitation in cheating again when the going got tough. You have a lot to lose - look well before you leap! Good luck.

angelfairy

I have read through this thread and perhaps cannot add anymore advice, but I thought I would put my two cents worth in.

Is your wife not only your best friend and lover, but someone who you feel you MUST have in your life??? Think about what your life will be like if she is no longer in it. The person how knows you inside out, like you have said you know her. 9 years is such a long time to build up a relationship that it is worth so much.

I have only been married 3 years and it is not all easy going. I am from Oz and that is where all my family and friends are, and it creates problems, but I also know that I might be happy if I went back home, the thought of not 'being' with my husband devastates me so we work through the problems.

Also, can you talk to your wife about anything and everything bedroom wise. You said you have brought it up before and sometimes get shot down. Perhaps there are other ways to approach it. Gifts of sexy nightwear, weekends away, subtle changes that will start to spice things up a bit but keep you both open to discussion?

I too can't understand how the 'other' lady would be content to persue a married man. Sorry, she should not be making any moves to let you know how she feels when she knows you are married.

Hope you are finding you way.

All the best

Kaiser_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Just sat out in the sunshine having a cuppa .. and two other things occurred to me. While you are still so undecided, make sure that your wife doesn't find out that you have established a relationship of sorts with this other woman. We all know that people talk and others around you are seldom as blind as you imagine. Your wife may well decide that the wish is father to the deed and that she no longer wants you!

Secondly, what does the other woman see as any kind of a long-term future with you? Are you seriously suggesting that a woman would place her trust in you, a man who has already almost proved that he would cheat on a wife if a sufficiently interesting opportunity arose? It has been my experience that if someone has already cheated, they would have no hesitation in cheating again when the going got tough. You have a lot to lose - look well before you leap! Good luck.

Thank you for the message. I take your point about the whole trust thing, whether it be me trusting her or vice versa, but I'm not sure how else I could have handled it. Yes, I know that the ideal would have been to ignore it and yes I know that my marriage should come above all other things, but ordinarily I would (and have in the past) dismiss it out of hand. The fact that I didn't and don't seem to be able to is what's causing me the problem. If it was as easy as simply saying no and walking away, I would have done that weeks ago.

janetteosborne

Hi

I believe that lots of people today, I am only mid 40s, so not old want their cake and eat it. Everyone believes the grass is always greener.

Firstly, sit down with a piece of paper. Write down the pros and cons of this other woman and then your wife. Then write down how you would feel if she did the same thing to you. How would you feel if she did this to you? I reckon you might be considerably upset by it all.

Think about what you would lose and what you would gain. If it is only a fling is it worth it? Because after the initial romance has worn off would you be prepared to stay with the other woman for the rest of your life.

It seems to me you are pretty young. I married at 26 and had my first child at 28 and I was told I was a geriatric mother!!! Be very careful what you are doing and what you are wishing for. The upset you will cause (and I know you don't want to stay with someone for the rest of your life or theirs for that matter and be miserable) but is this really what you want? If there are no children then you are luckier I suppose. Why don't you talk to your wife and see if she feels the same because you never know you might just get a shock!!!

Don't bother with trial separations or anything stupid like that. It never works and neither, in my opinion does getting back together. There will always be resentment and I don't care what others say who have done it all fine and dandy but I bet deep down there is resentment.

Good luck, sounds like you will need it.

JO

celestineperu

mkbean wrote: »

I've been on the receiving end of this situation.

Sit your Wife down, tell her there is someone else. Don't go fooling around behind her back.

She'll be shocked, sad and maybe a bit irrational, but its a hell of a lot easier to get over than being cheated on.

In a couple of years she'll be glad to be with someone else who does appreciate her.

Daniel.

I think mkbean should take some of his own advice here!

shortly after separating from his wife became involved in a close family of three children for 7 months and, if he used it as therapy and ammunition against his 'ex' who knows. But the aftermath of his 'emotional turmoil' is still being dealt with.

Mkbean should accept reality and realize that life is just not 'facts and figures' and and getting another 'Mother figure' for his son as he finds it so hard to cope with being a single (ish) 1/2 parent.