Marriage Advice

catkins

Did you live together before you got married? Nine years of living with someone (or maybe even two) things can get in a rut and seem boring. Every day life is about shopping, cooking, cleaning, who is going to put the rubbish out, who is going to cut the grass etc etc. Not exactly thrilling stuff, so a relationship with someone else can seem much more interesting and exciting.

You say you love your wife so why are you thinking of leaving her for the other woman? Several of my friends left their wife/husband for another person and almost all of them regretted it. Sooner or later a new relationship will still boil down to why did you leave the top off the toothpaste, who is going to put the bins out etc.

I could understand it more if you said you no longer loved your wife. What if you leave her and then regret it? If you asked to go back she may say no. I would think long and hard about it if I were you. I am sure your wife will be absolutely devestated.

I have been married 29 years and there have been good and bad times and yes, sometimes it has seemed boring BUT we love each other and have a very good relationship. As well as being husband and wife we are each others best friend.

I have never met anyone else I was interested in since we have been married but I could imagine that if I had and it had been during one of the "bad" times I may well have thought about leaving. I don't think I could have done though because I strongly believe in marriage.

Can I just add that if you decide things are over between you and your wife tell her sooner rather than later and definitely before you do anything with the other woman. Your being unfaithful would probably devestate your wife even more.

Tom_Saunders

The "flight of fancy" element is a concern, but even if that doesn't amount to anything, isn't the fact that I want someone else enough to tell me that I need to end it? How long is long enough to try to ride it out?

no it is NOT.......

What stupid advice anyone who says yes.

We all think about it, well men anyway. Their is NOTHING wrong with a thought. Don't feel guilty for being human, just remmeber the novelty will wear off.

Tom_Saunders

Rachie_B wrote: »

IMO yes,i think so

NONSENSE. Everyone would end up divorced.

Tigsteroonie

Kaiser wrote: »

Am I acting like some sort of lovestruck teenager because this is some excitement outside of the day-to-day life of being married?

Probably!

Or is this an indication that ... that i have feelings for someone else?

Possibly.

Only you can tell!

FWIW, same happened to me. Had been married for a shorter period, admittedly, but still I met someone else who "rocked my world" in a way that Hubbie1, looking back, never had. It made me realise that I had perhaps married for the wrong reasons, that what I thought was love was actually safety and security.

I didn't tell Hubbie1 for about 6 months, I don't know if he suspected anything. I told him and then left him in the same weekend.

I've now been with Hubbie 2 (my grand affair) for 13 years! As far as I'm concerned, I made the right decision, even if it caused pain at the time.

mandi

Can you put some distance between you , and this person ??..

There were many times throughout my marrage , that I was tempted .. and if id wanted to I could have taken the oppertunity to stray... But I let them pass

In saying that your 25 so must have been with your wife, since you were 16 .. maybe just maybe , you were just too young , and your marrage just followed on from a long courtship .. It happens....

Whatever you decide, think how you would feel if the " shoe was on the other foot" and your wife had posted this thread.........


Best of luck to you both

Rob_The_Bantam

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

I met someone else who "rocked my world" in a way that Hubbie1, looking back, never had.

I think that this is a key point and, as a bloke, may well be the crux of the problem. If you don't sleep with the other woman before ending things with your wife, you won't know whether you and the other woman are sexually good together. If you do sleep together, you're into the "taking the !!!!" territory that you want to (rightly) avoid.

I don't think that the fact you're attracted to someone else is a problem that means you have to end your marriage. However, the longer that you have feelings for this other woman, the more you have to question whether it is a passing fad or something more. I'm not for a second suggesting that you jump into a new relationship on the back of breaking up your marriage, but sometimes if you want something you have to make a brave decision and go for it. If you can, give it more time.

whitewing

Stay with your wife. Don't forge emotional closeness with this other woman because that is just as much as a betrayal (if not more) than the sex. By discussing the situation with this other woman, it is betraying your wife.

I am getting married this year. I have been with H2B for a number of years. I love him to pieces. Every so often we re-evaluate. I don't mean sit down and discuss or anything. Just that life circumstances change and sometimes things happen and you wonder about things.

Last year I got a crush on someone. H2B guessed. It all coincided with me wondering if I wanted to be the person in the relationship that dealt with all the finances. (I had been brought up that a man takes care of that, but for various reasons, H2B is not equipped for that). This crush seemed to be the totally opposite of H2B. It was a tough, tough time in some ways and he was hurt but H2B loved me through it all. It did help that I recognised it as a crush and never spoke to the other person about it.

But I accept the fact that when I am married I will still (maybe) have the occasional crush. But I will not allow it to falter in my loving of my husband. Easily said I know, but I believe that a good marriage is something worth fighting for and a husband should be more important to their wife than anyone.

Your 'crush' may well be absolutely lovely. She will be hurt. You will be hurt. Your wife will be hurt when she realises (she will at some point).

However, if you have any contact at all from this point on with your 'crush' you are going to devastate your wife.

I think it's time for you to discuss this with your wife. She is worth more than this and at this point she may support you. Further down the line she will kill you. Show that you trust her and you are trustworthy. You'll feel better for it. I know I did when I spoke to H2B.

duchy

What would you want your wife to do if the situation was reversed ?

Sarahsaver

You may go into another relationship and find after 9 years it is not what you wanted. and so on...

it is human nature to have crushes, fixations, not just on people, some people get mad about a hobby, music, tv programme and so on. Have a break from the crush and being male you will very likely get obsessed with something else.

Think of how you wish to spend your life. you are 'there' as it were in relationshiop terms, or you could look forward to the future of being 'almost there'

k1mmie

I agree with OP, you are still young and obviously got together at a very young age. Like most long term relationships, we forget those feelings of courtship when we first meet. The flirting and gettting to know one another. This can then mean we get carried away with all those butterfly feelings we have in the early days.

Married life comes with reality and being around somebody 24/7, if you feel your wife is your best friend and you truly love her, then you owe it to her to try. If on the other hand you feel you don't have much in common then enough said.

I would add that I think marriage is not taken seriously enough and people are not prepared to work on their marriage nowadays. I don't think you are being fair to your wife after only 2 years of marriage. She deserves better. After all you had 7 years prior to marriage and obviously thought she was the one for you to marry her. Think this through very carefully.

As for the other woman, all I can say is she is not the person that counts at this stage. You either want to be with your wife or you don't!