Marriage Advice

Kaiser_2

Hi all,

Long time lurker but registered to post today. I am male, by the way. While I don't want to appear too clinical, the situation is this:

1. Have been married almost two years, together for almost nine years. No children. Jointly own our home. Both in full time employment. Both aged 25.

2. I have met someone else. Nothing serious has happened yet, but both of us want to take it further. I don't want anything more to happen while I am still with my wife, nor am I certain I want to end the marriage for this. As you will see, I'm fairly confused about the whole situation.

3. I've spoken to the other person and she understands the above and is not making life difficult. I care a great deal about my wife, but evidently not enough to want to stay with her. If I tell her about this, I know it is going to come as a big surprise and that she'll be devastated, but at the same time I owe her more respect than to blindly go ahead and mess her about.

4. I presumed that this was a passing thing that I'd forget about fairly quickly, but it's now been a month and I can't think about anything else. It's driving me crackers thinking about her all day. She says that she's in the same position.

What are peoples' initial thoughts? I'm not expecting any sympathy and would like some straight opinions, no matter how offensive you might think they'll be (I can take it!). Am I acting like some sort of lovestruck teenager because this is some excitement outside of the day-to-day life of being married? Or is this an indication that I should be honest with my wife and say that i have feelings for someone else? At first I thought that it was the former, but as time goes on, I'm now not so sure...

Shineyhappy

How would you describe your marriage? Its great that you havent done anything yet and it does show that you respect your wife, but I wouldnt want to throw away nine years with someone over a possible flight of fancy.

Can you take a break with your wife and spend some quality time alone together and then see how you feel?

mkbean

I've been on the receiving end of this situation.

Sit your Wife down, tell her there is someone else. Don't go fooling around behind her back.

She'll be shocked, sad and maybe a bit irrational, but its a hell of a lot easier to get over than being cheated on.

In a couple of years she'll be glad to be with someone else who does appreciate her.

Daniel.

Staciep88

Hi there, obviously I don't know you or your wife or the other women but here's my opinion. You say you've felt like this for a month... you've been married two years and together for 9 years though... Think back to when you met your wife... did you feel the same way about her like you do about this new women? A month of liking someone is a bit sudden to end your marriage.

Kaiser_2

Shineyhappy wrote: »

How would you describe your marriage? Its great that you havent done anything yet and it does show that you respect your wife, but I wouldnt want to throw away nine years with someone over a possible flight of fancy.

Can you take a break with your wife and spend some quality time alone together and then see how you feel?

For the most part we get on very well. There's things we don't see eye to eye on, but then you'll never find anyone that you get on with 100% and, quite frankly, it'd be boring if you did.

The "flight of fancy" element is a concern, but even if that doesn't amount to anything, isn't the fact that I want someone else enough to tell me that I need to end it? How long is long enough to try to ride it out?

I've done the taking a break thing. The thing is that I do love her and absolutely do not want to hurt her, so don't know what to do for the best.

Kaiser_2

mkbean wrote: »

I've been on the receiving end of this situation.

Sit your Wife down, tell her there is someone else. Don't go fooling around behind her back.

She'll be shocked, sad and maybe a bit irrational, but its a hell of a lot easier to get over than being cheated on.

In a couple of years she'll be glad to be with someone else who does appreciate her.

Daniel.

Thanks for the response. I don't want to fool around behind her back and know full well that I can expect that sort of reaction no matter when I do it. The one thing I don't want to do is to jump the gun and then regret it, but that smacks of me being highly selfish and looking out for myself, so I don't think that this is the right attitude either.

Do you think that I should do this already? As others have said, it seems sudden, but then I don't want to take the !!!! out of my wife by umming and aahing over it, as she deserves better than that.

Staciep88 wrote: »

Hi there, obviously I don't know you or your wife or the other women but here's my opinion. You say you've felt like this for a month... you've been married two years and together for 9 years though... Think back to when you met your wife... did you feel the same way about her like you do about this new women? A month of liking someone is a bit sudden to end your marriage.

I was in my mid-teens when I met my wife, so it's difficult to think back to how it felt and I doubt it'd be too comparable. I don't want to rush into anything and agree that a month is a short space of time, but I also can't stop thinking about the other person...

DigitalJedi

The grass always seems greener......seldom is.

Be totally honest with yourself. You say you care about her. Do you LOVE her? If the answer is no then time to call it a day. Do you really want to chuck away a two year marriage, 9 years of your life for someone you just met??? Am not being sarcastic. Its a serious question which only you can answer.

In my mind you made a commitment, a vow in front of friends, family and God. I think you owe it to her to try and work it through first. You've only been married for two years. What happened to "better or worse" etc. Or were you just talking !!!!!!!! when you said it?

Looking back at 25 I was living with someone and had a young kid. A big reason why it all fell apart was because I was too young and wanted to sow my oats so to speak. Now I'm older (not wiser!) I can see now how shallow that was and sometimes wish I could wind back the clock.

My point is think carefully and preferably with your big head rather than little. You asked for blunt.....

G-G_4

It's wierd.. 10 years seems to be the limit for some people (no offence)..

The thing is most relationships become a little boring dare I say, especially past the 5 yr mark.. this is where you realise you have a fantastic friend or an annoying stranger!

Me and OH split up last year (my choice), I thought it wasn't working, had some great friends that I was having more fun with and thought I was missing something in a partner..

7 months apart I realised he was my best friend and maybe the lust isn't there like it is at the beginning, but we get on well, I trust him, we have so many memories and happy time together and many more to come i'm sure.

OH says he thinks it's because we didn't have children, and that is what bonds a lot of people... I think it's a make or break thing tho..

Hope you find your answer, you sound like a decent bloke..

G-G_4

me and OH have been together 8 yrs now if that helps..

Rachie_B

Kaiser wrote: »

For the most part we get on very well. There's things we don't see eye to eye on, but then you'll never find anyone that you get on with 100% and, quite frankly, it'd be boring if you did.

The "flight of fancy" element is a concern, but even if that doesn't amount to anything, isn't the fact that I want someone else enough to tell me that I need to end it? How long is long enough to try to ride it out?

I've done the taking a break thing. The thing is that I do love her and absolutely do not want to hurt her, so don't know what to do for the best.

IMO yes,i think so

Tom_Saunders

we've all been there, well most have.

If you have no long term plans, family etc then you may as well move on.

Remember as many have said the grass is almost NEVER greener.