Marriage Advice

Bitsy_Beans

Rob_The_Bantam wrote: »

I think that this is a key point and, as a bloke, may well be the crux of the problem. If you don't sleep with the other woman before ending things with your wife, you won't know whether you and the other woman are sexually good together. If you do sleep together, you're into the "taking the !!!!" territory that you want to (rightly) avoid.

I don't think that the fact you're attracted to someone else is a problem that means you have to end your marriage. However, the longer that you have feelings for this other woman, the more you have to question whether it is a passing fad or something more. I'm not for a second suggesting that you jump into a new relationship on the back of breaking up your marriage, but sometimes if you want something you have to make a brave decision and go for it. If you can, give it more time.

That sums it up for me. it's human nature to have attraction for people who aren't your spouses but it's how you chose to deal with that attraction that will make or break your marriage. I don't think it's wise to discuss this with the other women as you need to figure out what you want with no outside influences. Marriage is hard work at times and love isn't always enough to carry you through however as other people have said grass is rarely greener.
Hope you figure out what you want.

GFN123

No one can tell you what to do, only you know that, but I have been in the same(ish) boat so thought I'd share.

I wasn't married but had been with my OH for nearly 6 years, we had talked about our future together and despite being the sort of person who always suffers from 'grass-is-greener' syndrome, had actually not even looked at anyone else while I was with him.

Then along came D. We met via work, & like another poster said, he absolutely rocked my world. We became good friends, and he was the first person to throw a serious question mark over my relationship. I battled with the whole thing for a while. I would never have cheated on my OH, but the doubts kept on nagging and it was very unsettling. I didn't want to throw away 6 years for what could have just been a silly fling, but I knew I had to do something.

I ended up leaving that workplace, & I told D that I wanted to sever contact while I decided to see if I had a relationship worth saving. I committed myself to spending 6 months giving 100% to what I had, and would then make an honest decision about whether it was right.

The next 6 months I did try, but I realised, as G-G says, we had become "annoying strangers" and I ended the relationship.

A bizarre twist of fate took me back to my old workplace on a contract, D was still there, we resumed our friendship, which quickly became a relationship & within 2 weeks I knew he was the One. I have never felt that with such certainty.

But although it worked out with me & D, I would have always regretted leaving ex-OH for him. I needed to decide without someone else clouding the issue whether my ex was right. You can't see straight with someone else in the picture, and if you left your wife for the new woman, you may always question it. If you are able to step back and assess more objectively, you give yourself the opportunity to be more honest with yourself, and with all involved.

I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide, but don't make any hasty decisions. If you do leave, at least you can do it with your head held high, knowing you acted with integrity

CB1979_2

fella, log off MSE, use the net for what it was invented for...... !!!!!!!

having a five knuckle shuffle over some !!!!!!/this bit of fluff who is now in your w*nk bank is fine.

just don't do the deed.

it all comes down to if you think it's worth trying??
you say it'll come as a complete surprise to her, well you obviously need to try and spice things up a bit with your mrs.

what do you like about this other bird, looks, personality, etc etc??

ps if you want an easy way out, tell your wife you're gay! lol

Errata

Do you really want to get involved with a woman who is a theif and who's quite happy to steal what belongs to your wife? Namely - you.

Yorkshirechick

I've been in a similar situation myself in that I'd been married for 3 yrs when I started having feelings for someone else. I talked it through with the 'other man' and told him that I didn't want to cheat on my husband, but wanted to be with him.
Anyway - I ended up leaving the hubby and getting together with the 'other man' a few months later. I didn't want him to be my only reason for ending the marriage, but it was certainly the major factor.
4 years on, and the other man and I are now engaged (although not planing on getting married for some time and we had a baby in January this year.
I'm certain I made the right decision, but only you will know what it the right choice for you.
BTW I was only 22 when I left the hubby, had got together pretty young like you, and we had just grown apart.

Rachie_B

Tom_Saunders wrote: »

NONSENSE. Everyone would end up divorced.

what so every married person is in the same position as the OP ?! I think not

If anyone,like him are having feelings about someone else ( and i dont just mean "fancying" / looking but not touching etc) on that level then i think it's only fair on the partner for you to finish with them before anything happens with this "new" person!

Its one thing to find someone attractive whilst married,eveyone does i'd imagine

but quite another to have this "relationship" with someone ( the OP states "both of us want to take "it" further)

IMO of course

Puzzledbubbles

Ok,

Im the same age as you and ive been married 2 years in August.

I love hubbie madly, but there is one guy at work that gave me goose bumps a few months back, he is same age as me and ironically a few years back we had all the same friends but never knew each other and now have a lot of the same interests.

BUT, and this is the big but, i know that if i wanted to go after him i would get what he gives every other woman, a one night stand, he makes it his mission to flirt with all women and for a few days i was under the illusion that he thought i was special because i had the odd text, wink and flirty conversation.

I guess its easy to see some new attention as better when you have the daily difficulties of being with someone (i.e leaving dirty pants on the floor etc) and i must admit that i was tempted and there was opportunity for a quick snog (on a drunken work night out) but as much as i think he is a good looking bloke and still think mmmmmmm when he walks by, i know the OH is the the one and have never acted on the crush.

I love him and care about him way too much to do anything about a silly crush, for me its the same as being 15 and looking from one bloke to the next, scrawling text books with a different boys name every week and arguing with my mates over blokes we all liked.

I know that OH is not perfect, but nor am i, not by a long shot!!!!!!!! And, most importantly he makes me happy, and does anything to make sure that i am happy.

I think that the best thing for you to do might be to consider your future, im hoping that when you married your OH you did it for the same reason as me, love, but i know too many people that married under different circumstances to assume that.

Maybe if you can remember why you married her, whether it was love, pressure, the feeling that you had to, the difficulty of saying no, the thought of starting again, what ever the reason, if it is a good reason and you still love you OH then maybe this is just a test for you.

If it was a bad reason (for you) and you feel that you can never be happy then maybe you should take a break rather than looking at your crush as a new OH.

Unfortunately some of the most sensible people make silly mistakes, and i think that maybe you should discuss it with her, not say that you have someone else, but in a way that is non offensive, (maybe more of a "i love a film star" way when its easier to discuss crush's etc without the thought that it could be "real" to your OH.

In the end i just spoke to OH, i realised that the reason the bloke was so attractive to me was because he had everything i didnt, freedom and nights out all the time, when i spoke to OH and said i wanted to start going out on my own and with him more i realised it wasnt even OH holding me back, it was my own issues and insecurities that were making me stay in!!!!!!!

I know you dont want to hurt your OH, but as people say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, maybe you just need to get it all out in the open!

HTH

xx

mrcow

I think you need to do yourself a favour here and get away from this "flight of fancy" (for want of a better phrase). You're not going to be thinking straight whilst there is a threat of someone jumping on your bones given half a chance.

We all get temptations thrown our way (some more than others) - how we choose to deal with them will define our relationships.

The fact that you are hesitating shouts to me that you are not particularly interested, but are perhaps a little bored with your marriage. The trouble is, you are never going to give your marriage the time and effort it needs to work whilst there is someone slinking around in the background.

Ditch the girlfriend, spend some time remembering exactly what it is about your wife that made you fall in love with her and take it from there. Spend some quality time together (and that doesn't mean shopping or cleaning out the car ) and work things out.

I don't think you should tell your wife......you would be causing hurt for no reason. But you need to be honest in your deeds and remove the temptation (as it doesn't sound ike it's shifting of it's own accord!)

whitewing

The trouble with not telling your wife is that when you make an extra effort she is either going to wonder why, or she is not going to notice. If she doesn't notice, are you going to resent what you may have given up?

If she takes it at face value and then someone tells her that you and X seem close , she will be livid (presumably as you have had the oppotunity to talk to X, you must have been alone with her?)

mrcow

whitewing wrote: »

The trouble with not telling your wife is that when you make an extra effort she is either going to wonder why, or she is not going to notice. If she doesn't notice, are you going to resent what you may have given up?

Are you female?
I've yet to come across a woman who "wouldn't notice" effort being spent on her.

I think if the OP is doing it for the right reasons, then he is not betraying his relationship or his wife.