Marriage Advice

whitewing

mrcow wrote: »

I've yet to come across a woman who "wouldn't notice" effort being spent on her. quote]

Lol, I don't! (Okay, I'm not particularly talking romantic stuff, but, for example, if I get upset because the cash diary is not up to date, then H2B will try harder. But as I think he should do that anyway because we agreed together to do it, I don't always vocally appreciate him over it! It's late-the words aren't coming in the right order).

OP, do tell us what you're thinking....I like (longterm) happy endings

heather38

think very carefully about your future, i met my now DH at 19, 4 years later i felt bored and lonely and had an affair with an older more exciting man, 6 months later i realised what i had given up and after much soul searching and heartache we got back together 2 years later we got married and have now been happily married for 2 1/2 years and have a beautiful baby and another on the way.
it took a lot for him to take me back and it was hard in the beginning as the trust had gone, but now we have a wonderful life. the grass isn't always greener believe me

Mips

You have to ask yourself - could you cope/live without seeing/being with/sleeping with your Wife, ever again?

Would you not miss her? Would you not miss your life?

john.xs

if the differences are sex then sit down with wife and discuss openly .
if it is boredom sit down with wife and discuss how you can change things.
can this other person not be a friend so you can have the best of both worlds or is it more than that.
do a list of good /bad points about each of the women and see if anything stands out.
do you know a lot about your new friend - she may have baggage /not what she first seems.

RoxieW

I'm 26 and hubby and I have been married 15 months now - together 9 years.
I'd be absolutely devastated if he was having the same thoughts as you are. That said, we've had our ups and downs - its usually during one of the 'downs' that these crushes can surface.
My advice for what its worth -
DONT tell your wife. No matter how guilty you feel, how tempting - DONT. It will destroy the trust that has built up between you. Sever all contact with this other woman. I mean all! Throw your all into your marriage. Surprise her with a weekend away - where have you both always wanted to go?? Rome, Paris, Venice? Find some cheap flights, go on tripadvisor and find a gorgeous hotel and pack your bags. See how you get on away from the daily humdrum of life. Inject some love and romance into your relationship. Spend time together. If there's one particular thing thats bothering you ie sex, attention, whatever, then address it in a positive way. You have no children so the world is your oyster - get out there and do! Dinner, the movies, a walk in the countryside. Sod mowing the lawn or cleaning the car or whatever - invest time, effort and money into your marriage. You wont regret it. Even if - after a few months, you haven't got the spark back and are still dreaming about this other woman, then at least you'll know you gave it your best shot and you wont be wondering what if??
Do not throw away ten years for someone you've only had a thing for for a month. Remember that you're getting the best of this other person. She's showing all her best features, trying to tempt you. You dont know the real her at all. She could cheat on you, she could be bad in bed, she could be lazy or jealous or controlling or unadventurous. You dont know her. You do know your wife and something has kept you together for 10 years.
DONT DO IT!!

mrs_pepperpot_3

imagine it the other way round, imagine she is in love with someone else..... really imagine your situation reversed, now honnestly what do you know you need to do.

Kaiser_2

Thank you for all of the comments, most of which have made me realise that I need to exercise a bit of maturity and not treat my marriage as something that I can opt out of should I see fit.

I think that the main problem is one of routine and, if anything, becoming too comfortable with each other. But I shouldn't necessarily view this as a negative and I should instead invest some time in (for want of a better phrase) "spicing things back up". The problem is that I've tried this for the past year or so and it's met with mixed reaction and, sometimes, a bad mood for bringing it up, so it's not like I haven't tried. That being said, I committed for better or for worse and so owe it to us both to work through it.

mrs_pepperpot wrote: »

imagine it the other way round, imagine she is in love with someone else..... really imagine your situation reversed, now honnestly what do you know you need to do.

If she was actually in love with someone else, I'd want her to tell me. I'd be shattered but, and I'm not just saying this, I'd genuinely want her to be happy. If that was with someone else, I'd find it very hard to take, but would accept it nonetheless.

However, I don't think I'm in love with this other person. I think that I feel very strongly about her, but don't know her a millionth of how I know my wife and, as someone rightly pointed out, I'm only seeing the best of her and not the day-to-day things that have perhaps stagnated my marriage.

whitewing

Best of luck Kaiser. A strong, long and happy marriage doesn't come as easily as some people seem to think. You'd expect to word hard at a job and be rewarded. Marriage is the same.

(Not that I'm married yet, but my nan and grandad were married 60 years, and I will never forget the love she showed as she held his hand for the last time and said 'Nigh, night, darling')

Jei70

mrcow wrote: »

We all get temptations thrown our way (some more than others) - how we choose to deal with them will define our relationships.

<snip>

Ditch the girlfriend, spend some time remembering exactly what it is about your wife that made you fall in love with her and take it from there. Spend some quality time together (and that doesn't mean shopping or cleaning out the car ) and work things out.

I very much agree with this. And I don't even believe that *all* relationships should be for eternity - people change, and sometimes people in relationships change in the same direction, sometimes in different directions. Especially if they got together very young and still had to grow up and mature as a person. However, based on what you wrote, OP, this doesn't seem to be your problem. Your problem is getting bored with the albeit comfortable routine, and experiencing temptation. Work on it, and you will not just resolve the problem, but also end up with a stronger relationship than before.

Good luck!

Mips

RoxieW wrote: »

I'm 26 and hubby and I have been married 15 months now - together 9 years.
I'd be absolutely devastated if he was having the same thoughts as you are. That said, we've had our ups and downs - its usually during one of the 'downs' that these crushes can surface.
My advice for what its worth -
DONT tell your wife. No matter how guilty you feel, how tempting - DONT. It will destroy the trust that has built up between you. Sever all contact with this other woman. I mean all! Throw your all into your marriage. Surprise her with a weekend away - where have you both always wanted to go?? Rome, Paris, Venice? Find some cheap flights, go on tripadvisor and find a gorgeous hotel and pack your bags. See how you get on away from the daily humdrum of life. Inject some love and romance into your relationship. Spend time together. If there's one particular thing thats bothering you ie sex, attention, whatever, then address it in a positive way. You have no children so the world is your oyster - get out there and do! Dinner, the movies, a walk in the countryside. Sod mowing the lawn or cleaning the car or whatever - invest time, effort and money into your marriage. You wont regret it. Even if - after a few months, you haven't got the spark back and are still dreaming about this other woman, then at least you'll know you gave it your best shot and you wont be wondering what if??
Do not throw away ten years for someone you've only had a thing for for a month. Remember that you're getting the best of this other person. She's showing all her best features, trying to tempt you. You dont know the real her at all. She could cheat on you, she could be bad in bed, she could be lazy or jealous or controlling or unadventurous. You dont know her. You do know your wife and something has kept you together for 10 years.
DONT DO IT!!

After 6 years of being together, I am terrible in bed :rotfl:

I was great at the beginning!