Terribly frightened

flossy_splodge

I know this might seem contrary but it seems like maybe your daughter is checking her boundaries. When youngsters feel life is out of control they often react like this and the very worst thing you can do is back off because you are worried you've done something. Your daughter needs to know her boundaries on behaviour etc have not changed and she cannot bully you, which is what she's doing. She will feel a whole lot more secure if you give her unlimited love as I'm sure you have always done but keep those limits in place.
It's so very hard when you must be going through your own stuff. Who's supporting you? Other than us lot here of course!
My elder daughter threatened me with something similar once in very similar circumstances and I offered to help her pack so she would be ready when social services came to get her.-Never happened again! Lack of boundaries is NOT a way to help a distressed youngster cope so stop feeling guiltyu and make sure she knows she cannot speak to you/act towards you / or in any way push as she is doing.
The more she shouts the firmer you need to be whilst wrapping your arms firmly around her and telling her you love her, no matter what.
Hang in there.:eek:

bestpud

Oh my word! I can see why you are terrified!

Really though, I think this will turn out ok.

Insist they follow through with any help they offer this time and try not to feel intimidated by them either (easier said than done!)

We all parent in the way we see fit and, so long as we keep within obvious boundaries, there is no right or wrong answer. You haven't done anything 'wrong' (from what you have put here anyway) so make sure they hear your side of this.

I have to say though, I hate the thought of smacking a child, but I do acknowledge other parents do things differently and nobody should make judgements based on this one small aspect of parenting imo.

Has anyone suggested family mediation, or counselling for your dd - or anything else that may help get her worries out in a less destructive way? It isn't good for her to think she can manipulate people/services in this way imo, and she needs to be made aware of that somehow.

Finally, keep talking to her, no matter what. I've learnt the hard way that communication is vital with teens and once that connection is dropped (even if for a very short while), it is very difficult to pick it up again.

Good luck, although I am sure it will work out!

kendalls_cave

I am going to get shot for this - but smacking really isn't ok. We are horrified if kids hit another kid, but we feel it's ok to use the power we have as the bigger person to hit kids?
Where do you draw the line in smacking? I was smacked as a kid, but that's the issue I was actually hit very hard ( and had my hair pulled, etc) but my mum said she was only smacking. It's so easy to go over that line.
I am not in any way saying OP is beating up her kids, I am just saying smacking really isn't ok, and there has to be better ways of communicating. And yes I know in the moment when you're frustrated/angry it's hard to think clearly. OK I'll wait to be shot now

brownbabygirl

I think smacking is VERY OK.:j

Mips

I used to get the odd smack when I was growing up (mid eighties) - it used to keep me in line!

I smack my children on the hand if they are really really naughty, however, it serves no purpose. They still carry on doing what they are doing. It is pulling the wires from the back of the TV that frightens me - one afternoon I was having a Cup of Tea in the kitchen with a neighbour, and could hear really bad screams..

.. my young son had managed to wrap the whole length of cable around his neck and it was cutting in, whilst the other babies looked on :eek:

He got a cuddle, and then a big firm NO! The more he tried to escape from the wire, the more it wrapped around his neck.

Be yourself, be honest. Social Services aren't out to 'get you' - they are there to help you. Perhaps it is good that they are in contact with you, as it may help to straighten your Teenage daughter out.

Little madam, telling them you starve (not enough Crisps in?) and beat her!

SuzySu

Everyone is entitled to their own views and you will never get people to agree on the very emotive issue of smacking. I think these days too much emphasis is put on the whole issue of suing (children suing parents for being smacked etc etc) that the whole country is suffering as a result.

Think back to when parents were allowed to discipline their children without SS looking over their shoulders - there was not as much youth crime, knife crime, teenage binge drinking as there is today.

For goodness sake - get some perspective in this. Of course suspected cases of child abuse need to be investigated, but I think things have gone way too far and parents are frightened to smack their child(ren) in case they are investigated. Ridiculous.....

Vomityspice

I won't get into the emerging debate as to whether smacking is ok or not, rather I'll give some thoughts about the adolescent mind.

Most adults already know (or should know) that adolescent can be a difficult time for young people. The physiological changes, matched with the hormonal adjustments, often make this period of time, problematic as the young person struggles with the transition. Just try to think back how it was for you!

Then , in addition to this, you factor in the change of home circumstances (and remember she would have received general support from her social network, which has now been removed), this leads her to be in a particularly vulnerable position. She's in a new town, limited support and going through adolescents...... Given that most teenagers are already socially awkward, the idea that she will be able to just sit down and be able to explain these feelings/emotions etc is fanciful. When teenagers lack the verbal ability to express how they feel (and to be honest, so do most adults!), they tend express their emotional state by their behaviour. The fact that this is evident, points to a problem that is resolvable.

There is no easy solution, however, here are some of the options;
1) Get your Dr to make a referral to the local Child and Family Guidance Service
2) Get your Dr to organise some counselling
3) Get your child to go to the local young counselling service (Give her leaflets, offer to drop off etc)
4) Attend some adolescent parenting classes (which should help)
5) Talk to your child - tell her you love her and ask her what you can do to help
6) Talk to her school - do they have a peer mentoring scheme?
7) Get her a job! - Yes, the more she mixes with other people (i.e. a new social network), the more likely her behaviour will become.

Gale_10

Hello,

Well social services phoned at 8.25 this morning and told us that they are not going down the child protection route, and they are going to use RAMP. Now they didn't explain RAMP exactly but they said they would be coming in to explain it in more detail later in the week. Its a supportive role though, where they will help us as a family to deal with what we have to deal with. I am glad because I am definitely going to push for the *Coping with Teenagers* course, and make sure I get on that.

I actually suggested counselling for my daughter previously, and she put it to her school guidance person, but I dont think there was any available through the school apart from talking to the guidance person obviously.

My daughter does actually work in that she goes to an after school club once a week and volunteers there - she has made some new friends of various ages. She wants to be a nursery nurse so its good experience for her.

I will try the suggestions and take your advice on board, everyone, and thank you for the support and advice. I know I would have been in a much worse state without the support from you guys. Thanks especially to the social workers who gave advice on the legalities of everything. There is a sentence I didn't think I would say! LOL!

Thank you for the posts and PMs,

Gale (and family!)

SuzySu

Glad to hear things are heading in a productive direction for you Gale. You obviously need support - not a telling off. Please let us know how you and your daughter get on.

FairyElephant_2

Hi Gale10,

So sorry to read your thread - teenagers can be such a nightmare sometimes, even without experiencing the extra stresses that you & your family have had. (((Big Hugs))) to you, and hope you are on the road to getting it sorted.

If it was me, I would want to sit her down and ask her why she is doing this, and what she thinks she is going to gain from telling SS these things?
As others have said, she may be testing her boundaries and 'power' and may really think that if she makes enough trouble that you will back down and let her have her way (presumably moving back to where you were).
If you can calmly make her understand that that is NO WAY going to happen, and that the end result of her continuing to do this would be her going into care (not YOU making her go, but SS taking over the decision-making from you, so however much you might want her to stay at home, you won't be able to keep her there - I know that is a bit strong and there is more to it than that, but despite their 'maturity' I find that teens often need it laying down in simplified terms!!!) then maybe she'll think a bit more about it in future?

A friend of mine had to have a similar talk with her son at 15, as he kept running away from home after her divorce, and claiming she was cruel and locked him up, hit him etc. etc (all untrue). The root of his prob was he wanted to live with his dad, who did not want him. When he finally understood the bottom line - live with her and enjoy the freedoms & benefits, or keep behaving in that way and he'd be taken away and put into a home where many of those freedoms & benefits would not be possible..... he came around. A couple of years later he even apologised for what he put her through - so there is hope!!!!!!!

Will be thinkng of you and hope it all works out OK.

FE