Help! In trouble from keeping up with the joneses

PLavoie_2

My background story:

I am 43 years old, live in California and have a $110k income. I have a family with 4 kids and living in a $1.5M home with a BMW and a Lexus in a upper class neighborhood. I keep on telling myself that I can afford it because my neighbors can, but starting to believe it is beyond my means.

Now the fundamental problem with me is I always try to keep up with the joneses. When I see my neighbor buy a new BBQ grill for his backyard, something in me just says "I have to top him" and I get something better. When my friends all have iphones, I rush off to buy iphone for myself too. As the provider of my family, I made a promise to myself that I must take my family on vacations 4 times a year, often all paid with credit cards. On the outside, I look rich and the guy to be jealous of, which is the impression I want to give. But on the inside, I am struggling terribly.

My debt currently stands at around $183k over 9 different credit cards. In the past years, I have only paid the minimum but max out the cards on a monthly basis to get by to still achieve my "rich" look. Now, I am starting to struggle to keep up with the minimum payments. I do not have much quota left.

However, I don't want my kids to think that their daddy is not rich, so I still and insist that I buy them whatever they want, which may include the latest video games and toys. Then there's my wife, who stays at home to take care of the kids (she says she doesn't want to be the only wife on the block who has to go to work), but with all her free time, she goes spending with her friends, everyday she goes to Starbucks, shopping, and weekly spas and tennis lessons and our country club ($2000/month membership fee).

So what can I do in order to keep this lifestyle and not have my family or community look down upon me, while minimizing my debt?

sallyx

Very Hard one...I know how you feel but certainly not in the same amount of debt as youself. I think the best thing you can do is realise that you can't carry on like this. How would you feel about loosing your home? having to move somewhere smaller, children moving school, wife having to work? All of these things are a reality if you don't get a hold on your family spending.
You seriously need to sit down and cut back. Make paying your debts back a priority and put together a statement of affairs (thread at the top of the page to tell you how to).
Does your wife know the amount of the debt? or about it at all? She needs to be aware that she can't continue to have this champagne lifestyle.
Im sure by sitting down and putting together a SOA there will be someway to continue to have treats for your family (something you can decide upon together) but until you know what you have going out every month and what you are spending it on you will have no idea what is left for your luxuries!

I hope this helps a little and im sure there will be others who can offer you more advice

kizzykizzywizzy

Hi there, I used to be a bit like you, not to the same extent, but I know how you feel.
What I would say, is that I'm not like it at all now, I realise that the people I wanted to outdo, are probably buying all those things they have on credit & one day it will all bite them on the bum!
I think I suddenly realised I couldn't do it anymore, when I got to the stage you are at & was finding it difficult to pay my minimums on my cards, I realised I may eventually lose my house & that, I would be far more embarrassed to have that happen, with all the neighbours watching than not come home with a few carrier bags or have things delivered, which half the time they probably didn't notice anyway.
Now I couldn't care less what they think, & haven't got the worries I had debt wise anymore.
one thing I will say is that your wife really will need to join you in making the effort as there's no point you cutting down whilst she's still spending.
Good Luck:A

PLavoie_2

Thanks for your input. But when you say,

How would you feel about loosing your home? having to move somewhere smaller, children moving school, wife having to work?

This is the last thing I want to do, and I am willing to do anything to reduce debt and avoid this situation of downgrading. I have always tried to improve my lifestyle, and my philosophy is the purpose of earning money is to spend it. If we have to give up our country club membership, luxury cars, move out to a small house, and forcing wife to work - wow. I don't know what I'd do. Part of the reason why she married me was to have a millionaire-style life - and I have given it to her so far.

I do blame myself for getting into this mess, but I do not plan to get out of it by giving up my lifestyle. I would feel like a complete failure in life - and is not an option I am willing to consider.

Should I try to take out another loan to try to cover the debt with the highest APR?

PLavoie_2

kizzykizzywizzy, in my circumstances, I need to care about what people think. It is what I strive on to get validated for my success in life. Had I been in this position 20 years ago, I would probably not care what people think and live my life completely different. But I am 43 with a family prided itself upon upper class lifestyle - it is not so easy to just give everything up. Before when my neighbor got a new Mercedes E-Class, I pretended to be happy for him, but it was killing me on the inside. Eventually, my wife convinced me and I went and bought a BMW 7-series to comfort myself. How will I look if I just traded it in for a Honda Civic? It would kill me on the outside and on the inside.

chocolatechipcookies

PLavoie wrote: »

My background story:

I am 43 years old, live in California and have a $110k income. I have a family with 4 kids and living in a $1.5M home with a BMW and a Lexus in a upper class neighborhood. I keep on telling myself that I can afford it because my neighbors can, but starting to believe it is beyond my means.

Now the fundamental problem with me is I always try to keep up with the joneses. When I see my neighbor buy a new BBQ grill for his backyard, something in me just says "I have to top him" and I get something better. When my friends all have iphones, I rush off to buy iphone for myself too. As the provider of my family, I made a promise to myself that I must take my family on vacations 4 times a year, often all paid with credit cards. On the outside, I look rich and the guy to be jealous of, which is the impression I want to give. But on the inside, I am struggling terribly.

My debt currently stands at around $183k over 9 different credit cards. In the past years, I have only paid the minimum but max out the cards on a monthly basis to get by to still achieve my "rich" look. Now, I am starting to struggle to keep up with the minimum payments. I do not have much quota left.

However, I don't want my kids to think that their daddy is not rich, so I still and insist that I buy them whatever they want, which may include the latest video games and toys. Then there's my wife, who stays at home to take care of the kids (she says she doesn't want to be the only wife on the block who has to go to work), but with all her free time, she goes spending with her friends, everyday she goes to Starbucks, shopping, and weekly spas and tennis lessons and our country club ($2000/month membership fee).

So what can I do in order to keep this lifestyle and not have my family or community look down upon me, while minimizing my debt?

Sounds like the first thing you all need to do is grow up and get over what people think about you. You sound like your mind is still in middle school. If you want to be able to afford the lifestyle you obviously can't, get a better job. It's a bit insulting to people when they come on trying to pay off their debts, living on beans on toast. Then you come in showing off about how rich you look. Either you're an idiot or a troll. Or both.

fletch3163

Sounds like everyone will be beginning their responses with "don't mean to be rude BUT....."

If you're hell-bent on living that lifestyle then obviously you should carry on. No amount of sense being posted will help you. If you were to read your posts with MY eyes I'm sure you'd be posting much the same response.

In this current GLOBAL climate you're playing Russian Roulette with your life and the safety and wellbeing of your family, and all for the sake of "beating the Jones". My Goodness! How shallow/narrow minded!!

I wish you the very best of luck in your endeavours. Recession/Depression/Stagflation, however you want to label it is here, and it's here for the foreseeable future. Eventually you WILL stop spending. Eventually you will have NO CHOICE!

poppy_the_saving_cat

This is a wind up lol x

Cornishpixie_2

Hi, I think its a wind up to. I did look at the post count and it doesn't really ring true, asking 4 advise then saying "Thank but no thanks". Either way he's a bit stupid or deluded

angeldiva

If its a wind up its hilarious and if its not a wind up its even more hilarious either way, please grow up!!

Pobby

I know the problem. If my neighbor buys a K plate Ford Fiesta I have to rush out and get a L plate Escort. Last week one of his kids had a new baseball cap. I said it looked nice but inside I was hurting. Anyway this week we have out done them by getting new trainers from Primark. Man this keeping up with the Jones really takes some doing!