Money Moral Dilemma: Can you go giftless to a wedding?

sarah6979

My partner and I are getting married in November. What is important to us is to have our friends and family around us, NOT presents! We are not getting married to have a gift list!! It is totally irrelevant! And in some ways a bit awkward because we know people who have better things to spend their money on but feel obliged to buy us a present.

If someone has invited you to their wedding, you are important to them and they want you there. To not go because you can't afford a present would upset them far more than not taking a present.

If you feel funny about it, write them an IOU then when you can afford a wedding present, buy them one. If that's years down the line, all the more fun!

youngbutwise

sarah6979 wrote: »

My partner and I are getting married in November. What is important to us is to have our friends and family around us, NOT presents! We are not getting married to have a gift list!! It is totally irrelevant! And in some ways a bit awkward because we know people who have better things to spend their money on but feel obliged to buy us a present.

If someone has invited you to their wedding, you are important to them and they want you there. To not go because you can't afford a present would upset them far more than not taking a present.

If you feel funny about it, write them an IOU then when you can afford a wedding present, buy them one. If that's years down the line, all the more fun!

I agree totally. My Mom fell out with her sister because six years ago my Mom declined my cousin's wedding invitation. She didn't explain why at the time but she was really struggling financially so could not afford to buy an outfit and generally felt ashamed as all the rest of the family are well-off. She sent a letter saying we couldn't make it on that day and asking what my cousin would like as a present. My cousin never replied and my aunt's still not talking to my Mom.

I feel that had they discussed it before the wedding, they could have come to an arrangement. My Mom would have felt more at ease and we would have gone to the wedding.
Unsurprisingly my aunt declined my wedding invitation 2 years later.

lady_stardust

I don't think I could go completely giftless as the couple are themselves paying for your presence. I wouldn't stick to the list however, I would do something creative and cheap or would ask if they have a preferred charity that I could donate to. Failing that I like the suggestion about offers of help - not meaning to sound really ungrateful, but that would have been much better received than some of the presents we got that were actually quite pricey but clearly had no thought put into them at all.

rosepink1984

People love homemade gifts even if they are not on the wedding list. I knit squares up from all the bits of wool I have left over from other projects and sew them together to make up cushion covers. This is good for new home presents too, and if its a baby shower, I knit booties or little blankets.

For my wedding, my friends used all their skills instead of buying me and my husband a gift. We had our flowers arranged, invitations made, my nails done, and our photos taken for free - great for us as we couldn't afford to pay. We paid them for what they spent on materials and their expertise was free. Everybody was happy and we had a great wedding. :j

joannakinley

What about giving them a card with an IOU inside. If they are good enough friends to want you at their wedding, they are good enough friends to understand that you can't afford to go to and buy presents for 5 weddings all at once. You could promise them something off their list in 3 months.

If they are not fantastic friends either, don't go or buy off the list. Visit a sale or an antiques shop and buy something for £10 such as a vase, glass bowl or something.

I went to a friends wedding just before Christmas and it cost me £400 to go as I live on an island and had to fly and stay two nights, so I was upfront and honest and just gave them a £20 voucher They understood completely and were just glad I had been able to go.

bristolbaron

my general feeling is if you go to the wedding itself a gift of some sort should be taken, if your going to the evening do a card is sufficient..

The value of the gift is unimportant, and could included offers of help as others have mentioned, as long as the thought is there thats what counts.

miaggi

I'm fortunate enough to be quite arty and for 3 friends wedding last year (with 2 months and me being quite broke) I made them pictures of the churches in which they married with the date and time which I know they all liked and have seen all of which hanging in their homes. Something personal and thoughtful is always a good option for a gift for any occasion.

enilorac193

I've gone to a boot sale before, bought something really quant (vase) and then decorated it myself (sticking bits on and painting it with the date and the couple's names) that went down really well.

you could even buy things on ebay or a bootsale that looks like you have spent more than you actually have!

I wouldn't go giftless though. I didn't have enough time once so I found a picture fram that someone had given me as a present wraped that and got a bottle of champagne from the cupboard that someone had given me! I probably sound like a cheapskate but hey I'm not in debt for it now!

[Deleted User]

rosepink1984 wrote: »

People love homemade gifts even if they are not on the wedding list. I knit squares up from all the bits of wool I have left over from other projects and sew them together to make up cushion covers. This is good for new home presents too, and if its a baby shower, I knit booties or little blankets.

For my wedding, my friends used all their skills instead of buying me and my husband a gift. We had our flowers arranged, invitations made, my nails done, and our photos taken for free - great for us as we couldn't afford to pay. We paid them for what they spent on materials and their expertise was free. Everybody was happy and we had a great wedding. :j

I've got a wedding list for a reason - i don't want random handmade tat as a gift cluttering up my shed (all unwanted presents have ended up there)

WhizzKid

Friends should gift you with the pleasure of their company at least.
When I got married, 2 couples came empty-handed and left immediately after the wedding breakfast, never having spoken to us. We haven't had much contact since.