Money Moral Dilemma: Can you go giftless to a wedding?

olly300

It's not a money moral maze it depends on the people who are getting married and their attitude.

Some of the friends' whose weddings I've been to specifically say they don't want anything as they have been living together for years and are rich enough to buy every material thing they need.

Other friends' have gift lists but are happy that people who know them well buy something that is both meaningful and useful for them.

There as others are happy if you buy them a present a few months after their wedding as on the lead up to the day and straight afterwards they are too busy to work out who got them what.

The people I've had most problems with are some of my female relations demanding things from the family. They seem to forget that we are the people who will be supporting them and their families for the rest of their lives so whether the gift is expensive or not, or appears immediately shouldn't matter.

Ebenezer_Screwj

Work out how much you can afford to spend on total gifts and divide it by the number of weddings you want to attend. Then purchase a gift of your own choosing for each couple. Ignore wedding lists, they are often motivated either by greed or false impressions of people's financial status.

Phuddles

I've just been to a wedding where the bride & groom have amalgamated two households, so didn't need things - they asked for, if anyone wanted to get them anything, money or holiday vouchers towards their belated honeymoon. Other friends didn't want anything, and a group of us put £10 each & bought all the flowers to decorate the venue. Most wedding lists I've seen have small inexpensive stuff on them as well as big items.

A.Jones

Speak to the people getting married - if they are good friends you can surely speak to them. If they want you at their wedding they will not mind if you cannot afford a gift. If they insist on a gift, they are not a good friend.

golddustmedia

I got married last year and very much like the handmade porcelain bowls we were given by a friend who's girlfriend is a potter/artist.

Gifts don't have to be pricey, just put some thought into it!

Zoay

We specifically told people in the invite not to worry about a gift - we knew many people were having to travel and stay over, and not everyone is well off. As it happened only 1 person didn't give something - and I'm glad she could still come.

Our best present was 4 cows and several chickens! (Happily bought directly by the family of the little girl we sponsor in Africa with the money our guests spent on them instead of us.)

A.Jones

bigbadandy wrote: »

None of my wife's family had such a moral dilemma they didn't bother bringing any gifts and weren't the least bit embarrassed about eating and drinking all the spread we'd put on. The thing is, none of them were even particularly skint!

We had something similar at my wedding last year. Wife's cousin came plus wife plus four kids. My wife hadn't even met the four kids before, but her mother insisted they came as they are "family". Multi-millionaire family, six people attending, all dripping with jewellery. They made it clear they were considerably more richer than us (as in the Harry Enfield sketch). First time and last time I will ever see them.

Present = two pillowcases. Didn't even get the right ones, they didn't match the set we asked for.

[Deleted User]

I'm getting married in 6 weeks time, it's costing a LOT of money. There's only one couple who is coming that I know don't have much money. I think i would be deeply upset if any of our guests came empty handed - except for that couple.

In the last year, I've been to 5 weddings and given around £500 in presents - we've got another 2 in the coming year. The social norm with my peers is to give gift of around £100 per couple for a wedding present.

Right, back to the moral dilemma - I would rather my poor friend came to my wedding than didn't, just because of the gift issue. If i was in this position, i would probably talk to the couple and explain my situation. Possibly offer a 'gift in kind' - how about I'd do some decorating for them or gardening.

They'll want you at their wedding more than a present anyway

janineo

At our wedding we weren't going to have a gift list, until we got lots of requests from family wanting to know where it was.
So we set one up with a range of gift values (we even put wooden spoons on it!), but made it clear that we didn't expect anyone to buy anything.
We also had lots of help from family and friends in the organisation, e.g my sister made our cake, her and her BF and others did the evening buffet, a friend did the flowers, etc.

If you are true friends with the bride and groom, then they should be inviting you because they want to share their special day with you, not because they expect a gift.

If you cannot afford a present from the gist, but don't feel comfortable going without one, then offer help, a homemade gift, even just a small token gift. Your friends should understand.

luxor4t

Back in the old days when I got married it was considered vey bad form to arrive at a wedding clutching a gift, it was expected that you sent the gift in advance, to the bride. (Cue first of many frostinesses between my dear mother and my very un-dear (now ex) MiL.)

My point is that gifts at the ceremony would be in danger of loss, damage etc etc so very few people brought them then and there was no stigma about 'arriving giftless' as it showed good manners.

If you are really strapped for cash at the time of the wedding then surely a token gift at the time (loved the rose bush idea!) and a more substantial gift some months later would be acceptible, when the excitement has worn off and reality has started to creep in. I know I was delighted to receive unexpected gifts after the event!