OH admitted he has a drink problem

ELIZA_D

have a look on www.soberrecovery.com click on forums scroll down to friends and family of alcoholics and read some of their questions and the day to day things they go through.x

gorgeous_gwen

sarymclary - the conversation came up after he had been off with me all night and I sat him down and we talked about it. The initial reason for that conversation was a mutual friend came out with us and OH felt unhappy about how close we were when catching up (this is a long-time old male friend of mine, who I have house shared with before, but have never had any romantic feelings about nor has anything ever happened.)

I reassured him he has absolutely nothing to worry about, and it was when we had this resolution, where he accepted what I was saying, when he said he felt his head was all messed up, I asked him what he was thinking and he said he didn't know, he doesn't know what goes on in his head a lot of the time recently. He went on to say then that he "knows he has a drink problem" which doesn't help matters. To be honest, I was so astounded that he'd said it that I didn't know what to say.

When I said about now not being a great time, I should be more specific. I didn't mean I was avoiding doing or saying anything about things, but more that I felt that our current situation has exacerbated things, he has been going out more and drinking more, and despite previously ignoring my comments about how he goes out so much, he has said he realises that over the last few weeks since he left his last job, he knows he has been drinking more. He often speaks about his dad and his drinking habits, and I think he had a 'moment' the other week when he took me to their local for a couple of hours, and his dad was there, getting more and more drunk, and OH told me that his dad often tells him little bits and bobs when he's drunk, then tells him again and then again the next times he sees him because he can't remember what he's said to who when he's had beers. OH said it made him feel really sad and the look on his face just really got me. I could see OH felt embarrassed by his dad's behaviour the longer we were there, but something struck me, and I think OH, when his father's partner left to go home. His dad prepared to stay for a lock in, playing cards and drinking sambuca, and I swear it's an echo of many evenings we've spent together, where I've retired early (I don't drink much at all anyway) and OH has stayed up with friends drinking, even though we were meant to be out together.

How do I stop enabling him? I mean, what might I be doing that is enabling him and how do I not do that, silly as it may sound?

ELIZA_D

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Hi all

Not sure where to start really...

My OH told me last night that he thinks he has a drinking problem. We have been together not quite a year, and I have accepted that for him, drinking and socialising is a big part of his social life, maybe three/four times a week he goes out. When he spends the evenings at mine, he'll have some beers, anything from one can to two four-packs, tending to indulge more at weekends.

He doesn't tend to drink during the day, except on the very odd occasion him and his friends might go out drinking in an afternoon at the weekend.

He tells me that since he started working after college (he's in his late twenties now), going to the pub after work near enough every night and having five or six pints was 'normal' for him, and he did that for years, but not now. However I have mentioned that I think he should take it easy a bit more. Particular instances I have spoken to him about are how after a night out, when we get back he'll go straight to the fridge for a beer and carry on drinking, and often stay up on his own after I've gone to bed to have more beers; how he often drinks such an amount that when we try to be 'intimate', he simply can't carry through with things, which happens more than once a week, bearing in mind that a lot of the time we spend together is evenings in the week so is our opportunity to have some alone time; and how rarely if ever a day goes by when he doesn't have a drink.

I've gently tried to steer things by suggesting alternate activities of an evening that don't involve going to the pub or drinking, but whilst he'll often agree, it's pretty much a given that he'll want to go to the pub after. I think part of the issue is that he's seen his dad have this kind of lifestyle since he was little, his father goes to the pub six nights a week and spends most of his money on beer, and knows all of his friends through his local pub, and has never been able to save any money for anything he has wanted because of how much he spends on drinking. OH's mum threw his dad out because of his when OH was 3, and OH has told me before how he doesn't want to turn into his dad, which makes me feel so sad...

I just don't know what to do. My ex was obsessed with drinking to the detriment of our relationship and the relationship with our son and I just find it so hard to be faced with a similar situation. I love OH dearly and see a future with him, so how do I help him? Can I do anything?

I have read through this post a couple of times,trying to see if i had missed something.
The last paragraph for me is the answer. This is the 2 nd relationship you have involved yourself in with an "alcoholic" . YOU cannot do anything,YOU cannot help him. YOU need to read "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie........pm me if you do not have the resourses to get this book and i will send you my copy.........seriously ,your son needs a mom focused on him not a dependant man,he also needs a positive male role model or non at all.
Do not think i am slating you ......as a recovering co dependant i understand the need to rescue.....believe me ,it can`t be done :A

glossgal

ELIZA_D wrote: »

I have read through this post a couple of times,trying to see if i had missed something.
The last paragraph for me is the answer. This is the 2 nd relationship you have involved yourself in with an "alcoholic" . YOU cannot do anything,YOU cannot help him. YOU need to read "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie........pm me if you do not have the resourses to get this book and i will send you my copy.........seriously ,your son needs a mom focused on him not a dependant man,he also needs a positive male role model or non at all.
Do not think i am slating you ......as a recovering co dependant i understand the need to rescue.....believe me ,it can`t be done :A

I think this is completely relevant and was the main thing that leapt out at me. Not to get too Oprah about it but there is obviously something in OP that's subconsciously seeking out a certain type of person, in this case a drinker. I think anyone can get caught in an abusive realtionship or a relationship with a boozer, but twice on the trot and there's got to be more to it.
I think the image of the disheveled bum is so far removed from how alcoholics are, your OH doesn't have to be behaving in an outrageous way, the fact he pretty much can't go a day without drinking is enough and I don't think you should try to justify it by saying its 'not too bad'.

gorgeous_gwen

glossgal wrote: »

I think this is completely relevant and was the main thing that leapt out at me. Not to get too Oprah about it but there is obviously something in OP that's subconsciously seeking out a certain type of person, in this case a drinker. I think anyone can get caught in an abusive realtionship or a relationship with a boozer, but twice on the trot and there's got to be more to it.
I think the image of the disheveled bum is so far removed from how alcoholics are, your OH doesn't have to be behaving in an outrageous way, the fact he pretty much can't go a day without drinking is enough and I don't think you should try to justify it by saying its 'not too bad'.

This thought had crossed my mind. OH and my ex have been friends for years and have mutual friends being from the same social circle, so they have similar socialising habits. I honestly don't know if there is something in it or not with it being similar. I know with my ex I did end up feeling more like his mum than his girlfriend and in retrospect this in no way helped, even though I thought I was doing the best for my little family at the time.

I didn't mean it to sound like I was justifying it. My worry about not having rational thoughts and not being able to judge the situation is because I know when I am in a depressive mood that I have trouble making emotional judgements, which can be quite often. Add to that the fact that I pretty much have negative views on drinking in any form, even when I see someone just having an odd pint or a glass of wine with dinner, I look at them and see negativity, even if it's completely responsible and obviously in moderation. So that's why I worry I don't always have clarity, if that makes any sense.

I am seeing OH later and plan to talk with him. I suspect anything I say will be taken badly, but I have decided to explain I want him to get some support, and see how he takes it. If he is in a place where he is open to this then I will support him but he *must* make the calls and the moves to start the ball rolling. If he says he doesn't want to do anything about it, I need to decide what I shall do. At this moment I don't know whether that means giving him a timeframe (I worry this could be putting off the inevitable) or saying as has been mentioned that we should go our separate ways and we could reconsider a relationship when he is in a better place.

snipzychick

You have mentioned timeframes in a couple of your posts today. I would just like to let you know that this could take a lot longer than you might think to sort out.

My ex-husband refused to stop drinking and said he had no problem with drink, so i walked out with our 6 month old son. I gave him 2 years to sort himself out and i kept in regular contact with him. He didn't stop drinking so i did divorce him and have never looked back. My son will be 15 next month, and my ex is still struggling with his alcohol demons. How long are you willing to wait?

snipzychick

Just to add i re-married 12 years ago and out of respect for me and my feelings my dh never touches alcohol, and i no longer drink either.

glossgal

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

This thought had crossed my mind. OH and my ex have been friends for years and have mutual friends being from the same social circle, so they have similar socialising habits. I honestly don't know if there is something in it or not with it being similar. I know with my ex I did end up feeling more like his mum than his girlfriend and in retrospect this in no way helped, even though I thought I was doing the best for my little family at the time.

I didn't mean it to sound like I was justifying it. My worry about not having rational thoughts and not being able to judge the situation is because I know when I am in a depressive mood that I have trouble making emotional judgements, which can be quite often. Add to that the fact that I pretty much have negative views on drinking in any form, even when I see someone just having an odd pint or a glass of wine with dinner, I look at them and see negativity, even if it's completely responsible and obviously in moderation. So that's why I worry I don't always have clarity, if that makes any sense.

I am seeing OH later and plan to talk with him. I suspect anything I say will be taken badly, but I have decided to explain I want him to get some support, and see how he takes it. If he is in a place where he is open to this then I will support him but he *must* make the calls and the moves to start the ball rolling. If he says he doesn't want to do anything about it, I need to decide what I shall do. At this moment I don't know whether that means giving him a timeframe (I worry this could be putting off the inevitable) or saying as has been mentioned that we should go our separate ways and we could reconsider a relationship when he is in a better place.

I hope my other post didn't seem too harsh, (reading it back it probably does) just wanted to say it wasn't meant to! I think you're in a rotten position, it just seemed that perhaps the severity of it was getting overlooked as your OH's behaviour isn't typically 'extreme'. If he knows your ex who had a drink problem then it's no surprise they have that in common, pretty unusual for heavy drinkers to stick around with people not of the same persuasion. I do find it interesting though that you are almost repelled by alcohol given your past and current situation? Enough of my amateur psychology anyway
I think your plan is good; letting him know that you know about the 'elephant in the room' is a good start. I have never been in a relationship with a drinker but do know people like this- sadly I think the line between social drinker and addict is getting more and more blurred in younger people (she says like an old person..) and there is much more stigma in your twenties to admit to being an alcoholic

gorgeous_gwen

snipzychick wrote: »

You have mentioned timeframes in a couple of your posts today. I would just like to let you know that this could take a lot longer than you might think to sort out.

My ex-husband refused to stop drinking and said he had no problem with drink, so i walked out with our 6 month old son. I gave him 2 years to sort himself out and i kept in regular contact with him. He didn't stop drinking so i did divorce him and have never looked back. My son will be 15 next month, and my ex is still struggling with his alcohol demons. How long are you willing to wait?

Hi snipzychick

I was thinking of timeframes in the sense of him making some sort of effort, ie giving him some months to start going to counselling, that sort of thing. But thinking about it, that could backfire in that he might think that if he starts the ball rolling in that time then he won't have to do anything else; a token effort if you like.

I'm not unreasonable; I want to give him a chance, just as I would like a chance to put anything right if it were the other way round. In my head I can't just write anything off without knowing what would have happened if that makes sense; but equally I know what I want for our future and that certainly does not involve him drinking every night and going to the pub four times a week. I have told him this a little while ago and he said that when we move in, things will be different, he will then have a responsibility as my live-in partner and father figure and potential step father to my son, so he will step up and take reponsibility. I said that is all very well and good, admirable even, but how do I know things are going to change, why does it have to wait til then and I need to *see* it, not just be told it.

gorgeous_gwen

glossgal wrote: »

I hope my other post didn't seem too harsh, (reading it back it probably does) just wanted to say it wasn't meant to! I think you're in a rotten position, it just seemed that perhaps the severity of it was getting overlooked as your OH's behaviour isn't typically 'extreme'. If he knows your ex who had a drink problem then it's no surprise they have that in common, pretty unusual for heavy drinkers to stick around with people not of the same persuasion. I do find it interesting though that you are almost repelled by alcohol given your past and current situation? Enough of my amateur psychology anyway
I think your plan is good; letting him know that you know about the 'elephant in the room' is a good start. I have never been in a relationship with a drinker but do know people like this- sadly I think the line between social drinker and addict is getting more and more blurred in younger people (she says like an old person..) and there is much more stigma in your twenties to admit to being an alcoholic

Maybe it was a bit harsh glossgal but I like that! Sometimes you need all points of view so don't worry, it was taken in constructive way it was intended.

You are right, his behaviour isn't 'extreme'. Also yes, that group of guys do drink quite a lot as a rule, there's one out of them all who doesn't drink at all, and OH who is good friends with him has said that sometimes he thinks our friend is silly for not drinking... Friend's reasons is that he is worried who he will turn into if he gets drunk (I think when younger he had a negative experience with alcohol) and so now he just doesn't drink at all. I said to OH he shouldn't be slating our friend but admiring that he he is insightful, self-controlled and principled and that it was a perfectly sensible and reasonable thing to do/not do given how he felt. So OH isn't completely around drinkers, but I think they are of an age where it is almost expected that someone drinks if they go out, and the more the better if you are a guy.

With this I think you are right about the lines being blurred.

And to add, I've had my share of drunken nights since being in my late teens, but since having DS, and a while before that, I just found I was growing out of it. Not so much attraction as I got older in spending money on drinking instead of food (I was a student ) and feeling rotten the next day. I just began to loathe the 'need' people feel to drink socially. I also don't like too much the feeling of being drunk, or even a bit merry because I don't like feeling out of control and not completely aware of what's going on around me. I'm quite happy drinking coke and having a dance!