OH admitted he has a drink problem

gorgeous_gwen

Daz1 wrote: »

Sometimes its hard to let go of the past....We try to relive great times we've had with friends out drinking and partying. Eventually, we realise, we're not getting any younger, we can't do all-weekenders like we used to and we accept it. Perhaps he realises whats looming on the horizon (moving in together, committment, a child, the prospect of looking for a job, the future, uncertainty etc) and it scares him. He could be trying to remain footloose and fancyfree like a student or teenager but eventually will have to face reality and take responsibility. These are possible reasons, but not excuses to carry on the way he is. I'm no psychologist, but either he has some self-esteem problems which complicate things or he is putting on his "puppy dog eyes" (my family is rotten, I don't like myself, I need time alone, you don't understand me) for you because he knows it works and you will stay with him out of sympathy/guilt. You have done this well without him up until a year ago, do not lose touch with yourself or change to suit anothers insecurities, you'll only be doing yourself an injustice. Offer him the support but do not be manipulated into making excuses for him...tough love and all that.

I think they're some very valid points, and this is something we have discussed previously also. He is looking towards a life with me and DS but is finding it hard to let go of everything before. In some ways this hasn't been a problem; he's never been around children before so we took this very slowly and the last few months we have been spending family time together and DS loves him. OH often takes on household stuff (to be honest it's the DIY and mending stuff I'm rubbish at!) without me asking for help, sorts the car out, that sort of thing. He's been a great help at the end of last year when I was severely depressed and quite frankly a bit of a mess, he looked after me, held me all the time when I was crying, and never once freaked out about it.

I'm not scared of leaving this if it isn't right for me. I spent a long time with the ex thinking I can't leave, how will I cope on my own... Then realised I had been coping on my own for a long time, threw him out and never looked back. Hardest thing I've ever done and it wasn't easy but it was so right. So that doesn't worry me.

Oldernotwiser

My ex was in a similar situation to this and it was one of the main reasons for the divorce. He would argue the so and so was drinking as well so that it was ok for him. When you looked at what was happening objectively, friend 1 was in the bar with him at lunchtime, friend 2 would go for a drink after work, friend 3 would get plastered every Friday & etc. It was only my ex that was doing the lot!

Whilst I know that not working can lead to heavier drinking (my husband had problems after taking early retirement), I wonder how your boyfriend is paying for all this? I know you feel that he wants to provide for you but with little income he chooses to spend it on his own pleasure. Even if what he was spending it on wasn't booze, do you want to have a relationship with someone who is this selfish and unable to share? Don't let the drinking problems cover up the wider aspects of this situation. I spent so long worrying about my ex's drinking that I didn't notice what a selfish sod he was in many other ways!

gorgeous_gwen

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

My ex was in a similar situation to this and it was one of the main reasons for the divorce. He would argue the so and so was drinking as well so that it was ok for him. When you looked at what was happening objectively, friend 1 was in the bar with him at lunchtime, friend 2 would go for a drink after work, friend 3 would get plastered every Friday & etc. It was only my ex that was doing the lot!

Whilst I know that not working can lead to heavier drinking (my husband had problems after taking early retirement), I wonder how your boyfriend is paying for all this? I know you feel that he wants to provide for you but with little income he chooses to spend it on his own pleasure. Even if what he was spending it on wasn't booze, do you want to have a relationship with someone who is this selfish and unable to share? Don't let the drinking problems cover up the wider aspects of this situation. I spent so long worrying about my ex's drinking that I didn't notice what a selfish sod he was in many other ways!

This got me thinking. He is spending the money he has mostly on beer and cigarettes. Now and again he'll offer money if he comes shopping with me; sometimes I'll take it, sometimes not depending on what I've bought. Otherwise nothing. Complete contrast to when he was working, he would insist on paying for most things, paid for our holiday and wouldn't take a penny off me, bought me gifts and would pay for dinner if we went out.

Generally I'd say he is generous; with his money and his time. Not so much so at the moment though.

seashore321

It is a little like the George Best Syndrome (sorry to take the great mans name in vain) But they will always have so called "friends" to go out with who drink the same way and think the little wife or the other half is nagging.

A job would be a good start but not easy when he feels he is useless, and men do more than women, (not sexist just our society makes men think they should be the bread winners.)

Alcohol could be his only way of feeling in control and a man, he gets the support system from work from the pub.

If in doubt get out. If in love metal fist in soft glove. Do not stay because you feel sorry, do not stay for pity, if he canot stop then make him cut down on days. Tomorrow evening weare going to the park, etc., if then makes an excuse for the pub, say no and leave.
If you are asking questions you are not happy, you cannot think that love will stop him as drugs, alcohol are an escape from something. Unless he wants to stop/cut down there is nothing you can do!

I wish you luck and good fortune, and the strength to make a decision that ultimately may give you both happiness for the future.

Oldernotwiser

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

This got me thinking. He is spending the money he has mostly on beer and cigarettes. Now and again he'll offer money if he comes shopping with me; sometimes I'll take it, sometimes not depending on what I've bought. Otherwise nothing. Complete contrast to when he was working, he would insist on paying for most things, paid for our holiday and wouldn't take a penny off me, bought me gifts and would pay for dinner if we went out.

Generally I'd say he is generous; with his money and his time. Not so much so at the moment though.

Sounds just like my ex husband. When we first got together we had plenty of money and he was happy for me to have everything I wanted. As time passed and we took on bigger mortgages, money became tight and choices had to be made as to how the money was to be spent. His beer and cigarettes were considered as essential items alongside groceries and electricity. If there was anything left over he was happy for me to do what I liked with it but the bottom line was that he wouldn't (couldn't?) go without beer and fags. Addictions are like that; they take precedence over everything and everyone else.

gorgeous_gwen

We talked some more the other night. I realised that something that concerns me is that he seems unable to take responsibility for his life in some aspects. For example, if we talk about getting some kind of balance between the things he likes to do by himself and the things we share, he will say he can see how I wouldn't like it, and that he feels bad because of that, then will say something like, "I've realised I'm a selfish person", or "are you saying you want to end it?" or "maybe we're not compatible." It's sooooo frustrating because I'll say I don't feel happy about him going out drinking so much, he'll say, yes I do go out drinking too much, I know that, I don't like it, etc, but then will stop short of anything else.

It's like he won't take that next step of instigating any change. As I explained, I could understand if he felt put into a corner, like I was pressuring, but I don't do that. When it's him who is offering that opinion to me, and can see that it is affecting our relationship, and he says how much he loves me and can't imagine being without me, then doesn't show that he either wants to or can do anything to change it, I'm left shrugging my shoulders and thinking, there really isn't much else to say is there?

I said yesterday that I wanted some time apart to think things over. I explained that we'd both been quite stressed over the last few weeks, we both had worries, about our relationship and about finding work, and the money aspect, and I needed to have some time to myself to clear my head, and think about what it was that I wanted and whether I could get that. It was so hard to think about saying that, but surprisingly as I left I felt so much better and that it had been the right thing to say.

Even now the day after I feel quite lifted and pleased that I have this mental space, that I have a freedom of mind not worrying about what will happen when I see him. That doesn't mean I'm happy to not see him exactly; just that I really feel this space will be beneficial to me to work out what I want, both from me and from him and from this relationship, and realistically whether I can get that or not. If I then see him after that and feel that he has the will to work on his drinking and shows that, then I may choose to continue. If not, then that will be the end. I think a key point would be that at the moment he sees any change in his drinking habits meaning a foot stamping down on his freedom to socialise. If he can separate the drinking aspect from the socialising aspect I believe he would find it a lot easier to deal with.

snipzychick

You're sounding much stronger and that's a good thing. I'm glad you had a good chat with him. What was his response to you wanting some time apart?

He won't instigate any change to his drinking until he accepts he has a problem and needs to deal with it, there is nothing you can do or say until this happens, he has to do it on his own. And cutting down won't help him, he needs to stop completely and change his lifestyle if a lot of it revolves around the pub. This is the part he is hesitant about imo, as he knows it means total change.

gorgeous_gwen

snipzychick wrote: »

You're sounding much stronger and that's a good thing. I'm glad you had a good chat with him. What was his response to you wanting some time apart?

He won't instigate any change to his drinking until he accepts he has a problem and needs to deal with it, there is nothing you can do or say until this happens, he has to do it on his own. And cutting down won't help him, he needs to stop completely and change his lifestyle if a lot of it revolves around the pub. This is the part he is hesitant about imo, as he knows it means total change.

His response? It wasn't what he was expecting and he was upset. He thought I was breaking things off. I explained I needed time, that the last thing I wanted was to split up but we both need to get some clarity. He understands but he's worried I'm going to come back and say I don't want this any more.

He has said exactly what you have said about it meaning total change. That is what he needs to overcome, that huge lifestyle change, and he says it's hard because doing that would mean you would look back on yourself and think that everything that went before was a huge mistake. He needs to flip it round though- I keep saying change isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can be a very positive thing to be in control of your own life and to take ownership of who you are and what you do, and to change things you don't like.

snipzychick

It's good that you're giving him some space, hopefully he will use this time to decide what he wants to do. Fingers crossed it will be the right one for him and your relationship.

gorgeous_gwen

snipzychick wrote: »

It's good that you're giving him some space, hopefully he will use this time to decide what he wants to do. Fingers crossed it will be the right one for him and your relationship.

Yeah I thought he needed some time and space too. I so hope he will decide that he is going to make a change; me saying I wanted this space made him step back a bit, so this could be the thing to make him realise changes need to be made, that I'm not going to simply sit back, complain then do nothing. Who knows?