OH admitted he has a drink problem

glossgal

Glad you understand! sometimes it's hard to say what you mean and have it come out the right way on here. I agree, I do feel sorry for men (don't get me started ... ) there is a lot of pressure on them to booze, although by late twenties I would expect OH to have grown out of that culture somewhat? I'm actually probably about the same age as y'all and I know my OH will rarely be hitting the pubs. Im the same, used to knock it back like nobodies business but hardly touch it these days! I think this is more the norm as the big 3-0 looms so you are right to be concerned.

Just out of curiousity, is he shy or lacking in confidence? A couple of guy friends I had in 'my prime' (god, sound ancient!) were like this-the nicest most placid people sober but they were always the first to start drinking and the last to finish...

gorgeous_gwen

Well doesn't look like we will be having "the talk" tonight. He's cancelled our plans saying he wants some time on his own, and upon me asking if there was anything wrong, he said very non-specifically that he wanted to be by himself because when he's with me he doesn't like what he thinks about himself...

He says he'll ring me later; I fully expect that by nine thirty latest he'll be down the pub, despite him saying he was just going to stay in- that never happens.

And coincidentally glossgal, one of the reasons he has mentioned for liking a drink is that he says he likes who he is better when he's had beer. Ironically I much prefer the sober OH. To be honest OH when had beers isn't terribly different outwardly to my eyes, maybe a little louder and less self-conscious, as he can be quite quiet and shy. I much prefer the day-to-day OH not affected by beer or hangover as that OH is pretty good, in fact fabulous and everyone else says what a great person he is, he'll do anything for anyone. And that makes me feel sad that he doesn't see that he is a great person and feels he has to have a drink to 'improve' himself.

sarymclary

Hi GG,
I've only just had a chance to catch up with your thread. It sounds like your OH is using avoidance/punishment tactics. He avoids any further discussions, which quite frankly he's not interested in having because it will be critical of his behaviour, and he can punish you by not spending quality time with you.

To answer your question about enabling him. By not being overly confrontational, especially when he's had a lot to drink again or is nursing a hangover is one. Do you decide when you might approach the subject? If he's in a good mood, and the day is going well do you decide it's not worth ruining it by bringing the subject up about him drinking too much the day or so previously, or about his plans to go out drinking again the following day?

If you look a bit further into the subject of alcoholism, and his behaviour and attitude do seem to point my suspicions in that direction, you will realise that they can be the nicest of people, the best friend in the world, the cleverest and most successful, but they are alcoholics all the same. They can have periods of sobriety, but they will always be an alcoholic. What you need to understand is that alcohol is as addictive as heroin, which is why it is classed as an addiction. The unfortunate thing about alcohol is that it is socially acceptable to overdose on alcohol, and yes, it is seen amongst men in particular, to be their rite of passage to being men and manly. My DH once said to me that if he didn't drink or smoke, what would he do? As if that was the full extent of life's pleasures for him.

Your description of your OH after a drink does remind me of my DH, and I always thought he was better without the drink. The problem unfortunately lies within him. Whatever negative feelings he has sober, he doesn't have (or as badly) after a few drinks. So he can feel more confident, less shy, a bit more the life and soul of things, wittier? I bet he's had a few arguments when drunk that he would not have had if he was sober too.

I also had my time of liking a drink before all the kids came along, but now I have to be responsible, and I'd be lucky to get through a dozen budwisers in a year these days - in fact I still have 4 of a 6 pack I bought for Christmas, and BF and I have had 1 each:beer: ! I'm not comfortable around heavy drinkers, which means I don't go to big family get togethers, or pubs, etc. I'll leave a BBQ in the summer mid evening, rather than wait till the end when everyone else is slaughtered. The problem with staying sober is that you realise what idiots the drinkers become, and they let themselves down, behave inappropriately, say nasty things, are indiscreet, etc.

No one can decide for you what needs to happen now. I can only share with you my own experiences. I would definitely suggest you look at the support websites out there, and even ring the helplines for a chat. For me, it was a relief to know that I hadn't turned into some hardline puritan who overnight had become Mother Theresa :A (as my DH used to say) and didn't know the difference between a light social drinker and a dependent one. For me, knowing that I was actually enabling him by policing his drinking, questioning what he did, challenging him, mothering him, avoiding conflict, treading on eggshells, keeping the children away from him for a quieter life, etc, etc. was a revelation.

There is no reason why you can't dictate what kind of behaviour you wish to have in your life. For me, any new partner I had would have to be either teetotal, or a very light drinker, and they definitely had to be a non-smoker. I got lucky with my BF, he drinks less than me and also wanted a new partner who drank little, and didn't smoke. These principles were good we realised, not something to be ridiculed as odd by those that didn't share them, like both our exes.

Keep posting if you feel it helps you to discuss your feelings. Sorry for another long post!

1sue23

My husband is an alcoholic and it took me many years to face up to it.He did not drink on a regular basis ,but when he did he could not stop to the point of wetting himself wetting the beds he would go from responsible business man to a rambling old wino who would be abusive and cruel .some times he would not drink for 2 or 3 months and you would have hope, then out of the blue it would happen drink hidden in milk bottles the neighbours bins getting in the car drink driving ,but he never accepted he had a problem.
I was afraid of him in drink and would remove myself and the children from the house until he came out of it maybe up to 3 days we would try and hide the car keys but he would get abusive and nasty and I would leave the house with them he was hell to live with ,he is a very intelligent well mannered man who would do anything for anyone when sober .
After many episodes I finely snapped I went to a solicitor about divorce and left the papers around he snapped and went on a binge I locked him out of the house phoned the police and had him arrested I then phoned where he works he is in a good responsible job with a very good income so I was risking my home and security which was always my biggest fear because of the children I told them about the drinking and counciling was offered he then for the first time admitted to having a problem ,It was the best thing I have ever done I realised that by not speaking out, not telling people I was enabling him to go on with his drinking .He has now been sober for 4 years and goes to the AA now every week without fail he now talks openly about his drinking and is a great man to live with .

gorgeous_gwen

Me and OH just had a very long telephone chat. I explained that I had planned to talk to him about the situation, and we spoke for going on an hour about it all.

My opinion is divided; I think he's coming to a point where he is realising that things in his life will have to change if he wishes to continue being with me. He says he worries about my disapproval and if he were to, for example, cut down, he would always be conscious that even if he were just having a glass of wine with me, that I would quietly be looking and thinking it was too much still. I said that whilst I appreciate that he values my opinion, what matters at the end of the day is HIS opinion and what he is prepared to do about it. And that he has to do it himself.

I can see though that the prospect of him just giving up drinking completely is something that is massive and daunting to him. I think he accepts that there *is* a problem in the sense that it is affecting our relationship and the fact that he admits he has noticed himself that he is drinking more recently; however in other ways he cannot comprehend a life without alcohol. For example, he says the only time his group of friends all get together is when they go out drinking. This is pretty much true. He says he would be excluded if he didn't drink.

What I did find interesting (to me anyway) is how he associates drinking with certain situations. For example, meeting up with the boys, going to see his dad or his brother, going to see the match, and so on. But when we were discussing when he comes round to see me in the evenings, it came across that changing his drinking habits, ie not going out to get a four-pack or whatever, wouldn't be so much of a push for him. I think because I don't drink much, he doesn't associate spending time just us, as 'drinking time.'

He kept asking me what I thought was 'in moderation'. I gave the example of him going to meet his friend a couple of nights for a couple of beers, and then maybe one Fri OR Sat night, having a few steady drinks. I felt like he was almost wanting me to set what is acceptable territory but it didn't feel right; I had passing thoughts of mentally tallying up how many beers he's had and I don't want to be like that.

I feel like it was one of those conversations you think could show progress but you need to wait and see what happens the day after the night before. He said he has been thinking about this constantly, I know he hates my disapproval and says that no one has ever called him up on it and he's actually felt bothered about it before. I'm not sure what that means; I just want to avoid a situation where I'm dictating terms and 'rescuing' him, but I do want to support him and show I'm behind any efforts he wants to make to make changes.

gorgeous_gwen

I meant to ask as well, the enabling aspect sarymclary.

I can see how the avoidance of conflict and so on are enabling, I'm especially interested though in what you mentioned about questioning and challenging him. How does this work/not work?

What ought I be doing and what ought I be not doing in terms of enabling? I do sometimes challenge him and don't want to be doing this if it's enabling!

1sue23

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I meant to ask as well, the enabling aspect sarymclary.

I can see how the avoidance of conflict and so on are enabling, I'm especially interested though in what you mentioned about questioning and challenging him. How does this work/not work?

What ought I be doing and what ought I be not doing in terms of enabling? I do sometimes challenge him and don't want to be doing this if it's enabling![/QUOTIt took me many years to realise that my nagging him hiding the drink made things worse ,the more I nagged the more he used it as an excuse to hide the drink and to drink more the only thing that worked for me was to chose if I was going to put up with it for any longer .I was living in shame to scared to let other people in to my life ,would avoid going anywhere or going to a party because I felt ashamed as if it was my fault he was drinking .If only I baked a cake ,kept the house spotless ,ironed his shirts then maybe he would not drink he made me feel I was not good enough and that was why he drank only by taking drastic action for myself and the children did he realise he was on his own and it was his choice to drink and that I was not to blame.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

wow, what a thread, I've only just picked up on it.

Sitting here having a beer at 2.30am listening to Patsy Cline and Willie Nelson,

ok for me (male) I live alone so can do what I wish, not bothering anybody.

I wonder gorgeous_gwen if oh was to get employment, if that would make a difference, have something to do during the day, maybe have a couple of beers at stopping time with his mates, and home for 6ish, then a nice quiet night in with you and child, cosy.

The way I see it is, if he was to stop seeing his mates, he would get the slagging, ' Oh is missus not lettting you out to play?' ' Got to be home to read the fairy tales', stupid and childish, I know, but that's the silly jibes he will get, so that might be why he has got to show up.

Thing is what I said earlier about the couple of beers at stopping time, it's not that easy, when your mates are having another, they coax you as well, but really, you don't need the coaxing.

If they were real friends of his and yours then they wouldn't coax him, they would realise that he's got a good woman, (I can sense the goodness in you, and realise that you would like to get this man straight and settle together) there will come a day when his mates decide to settle down and be wise, and by that time you will have abandoned him, then he'll have the regrets.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you, take care.

Daz1

Sometimes its hard to let go of the past....We try to relive great times we've had with friends out drinking and partying. Eventually, we realise, we're not getting any younger, we can't do all-weekenders like we used to and we accept it. Perhaps he realises whats looming on the horizon (moving in together, committment, a child, the prospect of looking for a job, the future, uncertainty etc) and it scares him. He could be trying to remain footloose and fancyfree like a student or teenager but eventually will have to face reality and take responsibility. These are possible reasons, but not excuses to carry on the way he is. I'm no psychologist, but either he has some self-esteem problems which complicate things or he is putting on his "puppy dog eyes" (my family is rotten, I don't like myself, I need time alone, you don't understand me) for you because he knows it works and you will stay with him out of sympathy/guilt. You have done this well without him up until a year ago, do not lose touch with yourself or change to suit anothers insecurities, you'll only be doing yourself an injustice. Offer him the support but do not be manipulated into making excuses for him...tough love and all that.

gorgeous_gwen

[Deleted User] wrote:

Hi,

wow, what a thread, I've only just picked up on it.

Sitting here having a beer at 2.30am listening to Patsy Cline and Willie Nelson,

ok for me (male) I live alone so can do what I wish, not bothering anybody.

I wonder gorgeous_gwen if oh was to get employment, if that would make a difference, have something to do during the day, maybe have a couple of beers at stopping time with his mates, and home for 6ish, then a nice quiet night in with you and child, cosy.

The way I see it is, if he was to stop seeing his mates, he would get the slagging, ' Oh is missus not lettting you out to play?' ' Got to be home to read the fairy tales', stupid and childish, I know, but that's the silly jibes he will get, so that might be why he has got to show up.

Thing is what I said earlier about the couple of beers at stopping time, it's not that easy, when your mates are having another, they coax you as well, but really, you don't need the coaxing.

If they were real friends of his and yours then they wouldn't coax him, they would realise that he's got a good woman, (I can sense the goodness in you, and realise that you would like to get this man straight and settle together) there will come a day when his mates decide to settle down and be wise, and by that time you will have abandoned him, then he'll have the regrets.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you, take care.

I think things would be different if he found a job- we have both said that he is obviously drinking more since he has been out of work. He is very much I guess an old fashioned man who believes he should be providing and I know he feels like he is letting us down.

His male friends are my friends also, whom we know independently of each other, so whilst I suspect there might be an element of jibing were he not to turn up to the pub, I know they'd understand.

Around us, friends are getting married and/or having children. His best friend got married a couple of of years ago, but he has a much more relaxed relationship as his wife isn't bothered about him going out most nights. OH has said in the past he wishes I was more like her in that sense...

Thank you for the good wishes