OH admitted he has a drink problem

sampa99978

Hi, have been reading this thread for the past few days now. I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to tell you amazing and strong you're being in the circumstances, and I can only hope that if I was put in the same position I would try to deal with it like you have.

gorgeous_gwen

Thank you sampa. I'm not really sure if what I'm doing is the right way, I'm just muddling through using the benefit of my wisdom (ahem) and experience from past relationships. I feel lucky in a way that to the most degree I do feel self-sufficient, probably just my way from being a single parent since my ex left, so I see a good relationship as enhancing my life, rather than feeling worried and anxious about being on my own. As long as I know I can cope on my own, I can get through.

snake666

16 years ago i was working for myself devloping houses makeing loads of money until the intrest rates went crazy i was always a heavy drinker about 5-6 nightts a week including all day saturday and sundays.then the bank got on my case about borroed money so i hit the drink and drugs in a massive way for about 8 months the doctor said if i carried on like i was i would have a max of 6 months to live i just walked out laughing i was above all that or so i thought then as i found my self homeless carless and moneyless i knew it was either do or die as the answer was not at the bottom of a pint glass and from that day onwards i have not touched either drink or drugs at all i never got any help it was just something i wanted to do for myself so maybe thats what your man wants as if you go on at him the more he will want to do it i sure did when someone said i was drinking to much i just had loads more ok i admit i would love to drink a cold pint on a hot day but im not willing to take that risk again
im enjoying my life so much more now than i ever did with a skin full of booze i wish you all the luck in the world with him just be paitent with him and im sure he will beat his deamon
snake

Oldernotwiser

snake666 wrote: »

16 years ago i was working for myself devloping houses makeing loads of money until the intrest rates went crazy i was always a heavy drinker about 5-6 nightts a week including all day saturday and sundays.then the bank got on my case about borroed money so i hit the drink and drugs in a massive way for about 8 months the doctor said if i carried on like i was i would have a max of 6 months to live i just walked out laughing i was above all that or so i thought then as i found my self homeless carless and moneyless i knew it was either do or die as the answer was not at the bottom of a pint glass and from that day onwards i have not touched either drink or drugs at all i never got any help it was just something i wanted to do for myself so maybe thats what your man wants as if you go on at him the more he will want to do it i sure did when someone said i was drinking to much i just had loads more ok i admit i would love to drink a cold pint on a hot day but im not willing to take that risk again
im enjoying my life so much more now than i ever did with a skin full of booze i wish you all the luck in the world with him just be paitent with him and im sure he will beat his deamon
snake

I thanked this before reading the last sentence. I'm completely in agreement in that people often need to hit rock bottom before they'll change, but the OP may be hindering this process by supporting him. Better to leave and perhaps be available when he's seen the light.

gorgeous_gwen

Strangely enough I had just logged on to post on this when I saw it had been bumped up...

We had a few days' break and saw each other Saturday night. Entered into it with an open mind, wanted to find out what he had been thinking and obviously he wanted to know what I'd been thinking.

I had decided I wasn't going to put any pressure on him or even 'help' him regarding his drinking, but the one thing I did want was that I want him to see his GP for depression. After a long chat it turns out he has been depressed since school age, seeing a child psychologist when he was about 11 or so, and accepts it as part of his life. He was quite open to this and thought it was a good idea, and I said if he arranged it and felt he needed some support then I would come along with him.

As things stand, we came close to breaking up last night. It was awful, my parents have my DS for a couple of days and I suggested us doing something in the evening which was fine until it got to going out time when he wanted to go to the pub with me either going with him or not...

Anyway... After muchos talking, tears and upset with me saying I couldn't do this anymore, all I'm clear on now is that I have no idea what to do. He goes from saying he has a drink problem, to saying he doesn't want to change, to saying he hates upsetting me, that he doesn't drink that much, he doesn't want to turn out like his dad (who has a drink problem), to he has a physical 'urge' to have a drink and even though he was talking to me, he said that all he could think about was having a drink. He says he can see how he's treating me sometimes and it has nothing to do with what he thinks of me, that he loves me so much but I can't understand how it feels to crave a drink. He says he would hate for us to break up but that he admires me for being strong because no one has ever challenged him about it before and made him actually bothered...

As things stand we are together, but I have no idea what to do or where to go from here. He is very sure that his being jobless is a big part of his recent increase in drinking (I agree) and feels that once he finds work, things will ease off.

I don't know what to do for the best. At the moment I would love to be with him but obviously this isn't something that is just going to go away, and I have no idea how I would deal with it. Another thought has been to walk away until he has sorted himself out (IF he does) which may or may not happen. I just don't know...

Oldernotwiser

The fact is he's an alcoholic, not a problem drinker. Walk away from this situation and tell him to come and find you when he's in recovery. Get on with the rest of your life; if he sorts himself out you may want him back but you may have moved on by this time. This weekend should have made things so much clearer to you so stop fooling yourself any longer. Stop playing second fiddle to the bottle, you're worth more than that.
Be strong.

gorgeous_gwen

Oh god it is so hard...

I think you are right. It makes me feel so sad though; I feel like in doing that I'm admitting I've wasted the most part of a year... I don't know... He's not a bad person, I mean he'll spend most of the weekend round with me and all day it's never a problem (he doesn't drink in the day) which is why I think I'm confused, it's only when it gets to the evening that he has to drink, whether it's just a couple of drinks or a lot more.

I think probably the MASSIVE giveaway (as if I shouldn't have realised it already) is that he said he doesn't want to change. He has said he likes this lifestyle, the social aspect, and that whilst he may change in the future, he likes it now. Enough said really.

I could probably convince myself that I can be by his side and wait until he's ready to change, but if I'm being totally honest, I don't think I can deal with the constant compromising to his desires. I don't want to spend the majority of our social time with him having drinks, I don't want him to smell of beer every morning when he wakes up, I don't want to feel that tension in the air every time we have the space for an evening out and we're deciding what we should do when I know what we're going to end up doing, which is going for drinks... I love him so much but I've started to feel physically sick with the tension and arguing, and constant heart to hearts, it's draining me.

Now I've just got to work out what to say to him later when I see him... I feel awful now thinking about it and know how much worse I'm going to feel after I've said it...

gorgeous_gwen

I've been over and over things in my head and I can feel my resolve weakening, so I've come back online to read through everyone's thoughts and advice and tell myself that I will be doing the right thing.

I keep thinking, what if I stand by him? But I realise that I can't stand by whilst he carries on exactly as he has been; I mean, I keep telling myself why will I be any happier doing that???

If he had shown any signs of taking affirmative action then I might reconsider, and I shall certainly say this when I see him just in case... However he's a straightforward guy and I know he wouldn't lie about changing if he didn't want to, so I'm going into this to tell him it's over now.

I've written a letter as well saying what I'm feeling; sometimes the words don't come out how I want so he can take that with him when he goes. I've said that whilst I love him very much, I can't live like this feeling in second place. If he gets to the place where he makes changes then to come and find me... Who knows...

I have to keep telling myself that this isn't because of me, or anything I've done. With the ex I spent a long time thinking it was my fault he didn't want to spend time with me when he was out all the time... It took me a long time to realise he is answerable for his actions, not me. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me... I just need to keep fighting that feeling .

BallandChain

Hi GG, I've been reading your thread and I feel for you. I must reiterate what others have said that the problem is his, not yours. You have nothing to reproach yourself for. Infact you come across as too kind towards him when you have these heart to hearts. I don't think I would be so calm and understanding.

You are not at fault, none of this is your doing. He is responsible for his own actions. You mention that if you end it you will be wondering if it was a waste of a year. No, it wasn't. It has been a learning curve and this time around you have the strength and independence not to put up with it!

Your little boy is the one who should be getting the attention, not this grown man. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I wanted to put things in perspective. I wonder how many times you have waited for him to come round and instead he's off to the pub wasting his money on beer, while you are sat in wondering what he is up to. He isn't showing any signs of responsibility or respect. Knowing that the slightest bit of stress can send him to drink, what would he be like if he had to get a job and start providing for you and your son?

I think you mentioned he had left his last job, did he walk out on it? You have been in this position before with an alcoholic so alarm bells should be ringing. Of course they are all sweetness and light when sober but the pub is always there and alcoholics can't wait to get there quick enough. You would always be a poor second.

Don't waste another month, year or years even as you deserve so much better and so does your little one. This man will only drag you down and let him sort himself out. You aren't his keeper and don't feel guilty that he doesn't want help. It's his choice and if I were you, just focus on you and your son.

I hope I haven't come across as too harsh but I really think you should put yourself and your son first. :A

gorgeous_gwen

Thanks BallandChain:) That really helped. I'm pottering around the house, my parents have DS because the house is an absolute tip (I'm under strict orders to tidy up the whole place :eek:) so I'm tidying like crazy to take my mind off later- not sure it's helping but my living room is looking tidier than it has done all year lol!

I was careful to not pin all my hopes on him, we took things quite slowly but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed and I feel terribly sad. We'd talked about moving in together and I know he eventually wanted a football team of kids... Under the circumstances I'm glad things weren't further down the line as they were with my ex- see I must have learned something there!

As I've probably mentioned:rolleyes:, he is a nice guy, he's lovely and he doesn't change much when he's had drinks. It's the need to drink that I can't deal with. I'm not sure if that makes me selfish or not not wanting to handle that, I don't know... Maybe I am selfish wanting to have him to myself now and again, but that's what I want in a relationship and if that makes me selfish then so be it!

I was at a point when I met him where I wasn't looking for anyone and I was quite enjoying having my freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, so I'm trying to focus on that, and the good aspects of feeling in control of things. I have no doubt I'll be in floods of tears later and if being honest I do harbour a secret tiny hope that when I tell him he'll turn round and say, right, I'll change, I don't want to lose you, but it ain't gonna happen ... So if I'm on here crying a bit later just humour me!