OH admitted he has a drink problem

gorgeous_gwen

Hi all

Not sure where to start really...

My OH told me last night that he thinks he has a drinking problem. We have been together not quite a year, and I have accepted that for him, drinking and socialising is a big part of his social life, maybe three/four times a week he goes out. When he spends the evenings at mine, he'll have some beers, anything from one can to two four-packs, tending to indulge more at weekends.

He doesn't tend to drink during the day, except on the very odd occasion him and his friends might go out drinking in an afternoon at the weekend.

He tells me that since he started working after college (he's in his late twenties now), going to the pub after work near enough every night and having five or six pints was 'normal' for him, and he did that for years, but not now. However I have mentioned that I think he should take it easy a bit more. Particular instances I have spoken to him about are how after a night out, when we get back he'll go straight to the fridge for a beer and carry on drinking, and often stay up on his own after I've gone to bed to have more beers; how he often drinks such an amount that when we try to be 'intimate', he simply can't carry through with things, which happens more than once a week, bearing in mind that a lot of the time we spend together is evenings in the week so is our opportunity to have some alone time; and how rarely if ever a day goes by when he doesn't have a drink.

I've gently tried to steer things by suggesting alternate activities of an evening that don't involve going to the pub or drinking, but whilst he'll often agree, it's pretty much a given that he'll want to go to the pub after. I think part of the issue is that he's seen his dad have this kind of lifestyle since he was little, his father goes to the pub six nights a week and spends most of his money on beer, and knows all of his friends through his local pub, and has never been able to save any money for anything he has wanted because of how much he spends on drinking. OH's mum threw his dad out because of his when OH was 3, and OH has told me before how he doesn't want to turn into his dad, which makes me feel so sad...

I just don't know what to do. My ex was obsessed with drinking to the detriment of our relationship and the relationship with our son and I just find it so hard to be faced with a similar situation. I love OH dearly and see a future with him, so how do I help him? Can I do anything?

maryotuam

Just the fact that he admits to having a problem is a good start. I wish my OH would. I think it might be worth him recieving good quality counselling down the line and this might help him work out why he feels the need to be inebriated so often. (Although men usually react with horror when that is suggested.) I would give him maybe 6-9 months to sort this out and offer your full support (if you think he's worth it!) After that warn him that you will need to go your separate ways if he is unsuccessful.

He is master of his own destiny and if he really wants to, he can create a lifestyle where alcohol is not an essential part. Good luck to the both of you.

ps Look up cognitive psychology on wikepedia as there is evidence that it has been very useful in helping people to change their mindsets.

Oldernotwiser

Having been through this once before, how could you even contemplate putting yourself and your child in this position again? I'd take a few steps back and see whether his realisation leads to any action on his part; if not, turn and walk briskly away. Unlike you, I don't see much future in this (or not a happy one anyway) but I really hope I'm wrong. Reading between the lines of your post I think you know this already but I can't offer you the reassurance you want. Sorry.

feelinggood_2

His GP will be able to recommend some local help - most areas have alcohol clinics and counsellors who can help with controlled drinking. There is also many abstinance based support groups available, such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Have you asked him what he'd like to do about the problem?

The SupportLine website has a list of resources that may help:
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/alcohol.php

snipzychick

It's great that he has admitted that he has a problem, has he said what he intends to do about it?

You have been with him for less than a year, and you have a son to think about. His problem is not your problem hun, sorry to say it. I've been married to an alcoholic and i suggest you run like the wind.

If and when he sorts himself out, which will take quite some time, then maybe you can contemplate a relationship with him again. That would be my advice.

Plus you say you've been through it before so you know how rough it can get. Don't do it to yourself and your son.

Errata

Sounds like he's had his lightbulb moment, which is the first step on which everything hangs. He can get all the help and support he needs through his GP.
He has said he doesn't want to turn out like his dad, but it looks like that's already happened . If he's in an open frame of mind now that he's acknowledging he doesn't know how to drink alcohol, perhaps you could point that out to him ?

Biggles

Hi Gorgeous. You said you weren't sure where to start.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I have accepted that for him, drinking and socialising is a big part of his social life

I think you've answered your own question: that is where you have to start. If you are accepting it, nothing will change (line of least resistance, etc). It doesn't mean you have to be confrontational, but you may need to take a stand, sooner rather than later.

gorgeous_gwen

Thank you all for the replies, they are much appreciated.

I tentatively spoke to OH earlier about our conversation last night where he said he had the drink problem. I was gentle because I wanted him to open up rather than feel I was attacking him. I asked how he felt about what he had said; he said that yes, he does worry he has a problem. He has many reasons why he likes to go to the pub, and knowing him, I can see that everything he says is a factor, from the social aspect to 'chilling out' with beers after work. However, later he said he was off to the pub, and I asked if he thought going to the pub (third evening in a row) was a good idea in the light of what we had been discussing. He did then get defensive, and said that was what he liked to do, and it doesn't matter what other people say, if he wants to do something, he'll do it.

I did ask him during our conversation today about what he wanted to do about it. He said he didn't know and asked why; I said if he has decided it is a problem then problems can be destructive and thus need to be dealt with. We got cut short ont hat conversation but that is something I have thought about also.

The ex's problem was that he'd simply go out and leave me and my son most evenings to meet his friends to drink, would miss his evening shifts to go to the pub, and in the end after trying so many times to make him see sense, I decided enough was enough and told him to leave.

With OH I find it hard seeing it that straightforwardly. Prior to me and him getting together, he had been single for a while and was used to the lifestyle that goes with that and being a young man. His evenings were spent going round to see friends or at the pub as he lives with his mother and stepfather who he doesn't get on with so hates spending time at home of an evening. Because I have such negative feelings about drinking from the experience with my ex, I have found it difficult at times to be rational about OH having a drink, and have asked myself if I am being unreasonable in feeling he goes out too much and drinks too much, and have at times floated between the two. However, as time has passed and we have gotten closer, I have said that whilst I would love to move in together at some point, I want to spend time with him not having had drinks or being drunk in the week.

The thing is, me saying this paints a picture of someone who is drunk every day, out of control, and this is not the case, which is why I do find it hard to rationalise sometimes how much of a problem it is. To him, evenings are his chill out time, and for him to chill out, he has beers. Now, I don't think this in itself is a problem per se. It is more the fact that I feel it interferes with his everyday life and our relationship.

My feeling is that this is an awkward time for both of us right now. He is looking for work and feeling rather down that he hasn't found something yet, he is short of money, and I am job searching also, and worried about my son and money as a result. Things aren't settled as he or I would like, so I am wary of rocking the boat at a time when we are both feeling quite down and fragile, in circumstances which obviously aren't typical (ie we are both used to being at work and not worrying too much about money and our day-today lives.)

Oldernotwiser

The more information you give, the worst it sounds! He's unemployed, got no money and he's still down the pub every night? Why does he need to chill out in the evening when he's not at work during the day?

I think you're giving too much weight to this "he admits he's got a drink problem" thing. You're reading it as being some kind of light bulb moment that will lead to action and change. It sounds to me as though he's said "yeah, I suppose I do drink too much" which really isn't the same thing at all. Obviously, when it comes to making choices, he's choosing beer every time.

I wouldn't even consider moving in with this guy unless he makes a firm committment to change and that's not where he's at now. I'm sure you care about him but you need to take off your rose coloured specs and stop making excuses for him. I know you want the situation to be different but wishing won't make it so.

gorgeous_gwen

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think you're giving too much weight to this "he admits he's got a drink problem" thing. You're reading it as being some kind of light bulb moment that will lead to action and change. It sounds to me as though he's said "yeah, I suppose I do drink too much" which really isn't the same thing at all. Obviously, when it comes to making choices, he's choosing beer every time.

I wouldn't even consider moving in with this guy unless he makes a firm committment to change and that's not where he's at now. I'm sure you care about him but you need to take off your rose coloured specs and stop making excuses for him. I know you want the situation to be different but wishing won't make it so.

Oooh the rose tinted specs... Believe me oldernotwiser, I had those with the ex and no more. I gave him chance after chance after chance to change and the fact was, he did not want to. I made allowances, excuses, lied to my family about him until the truth dawned on me one day that my life would carry on being as it was unless *I* was the one to make a change.

Last night, he said he felt he had a problem. Today, he wasn't so clear about it. There is no way I am moving in with him whilst things are still as they are, I have made that clear and I have no intention of that being any different.

However, I don't want to write him off completely. I know how he feels about me, and as I say I do care a lot for him. I can't walk away without giving him the opportunity to change things; but if within a specified time (not sure how long yet) he hasn't shown this, then I don't have any doubts about moving on.

I am also under no illusions from my past experience that I can't make people change; only they can do that and only when they are ready to. I feel like the decision to leave my ex and the process that followed has empowered me and made me a stronger person than I ever have been, and if it becomes clear in the near future that I will not be able to get what I want from this relationship then I shall have to leave. But also I have to give him that chance to show change.

sarymclary

Just to clarify: did your OH come to you and tell you he thinks he has a problem, or did this come up in a conversation created by you?

Here's the thing, if drinking is a problem to your OH he will want to try to sort it out. If it's a problem to you, he won't. Plain and simple as that.

You're making all the excuses in the world for him to carry on, for you not to rock the boat, but you're also saying all the right things to prove that this is a situation only you are unhappy with. It sounds to me that he likes going to the pub with his mates, he likes drinking, and he's not really that bothered by it's effects on you or your son.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm coming at this as someone even more experienced with this than you and your ex, or your current OH. My husband liked a social drink when we first met, and we liked to have a drink together at weekends, but then I got pregnant and stopped altogether, and he drank for both of us, and so it carried on. I gave him more 2nd chances than he deserved, we went to the Drs., his family offered to pay for private treatment. Inbetween he'd dry out for months, even a couple or so years, he went from office junior to running his own consultancy business earning over £100k a year, but that wasn't enough to make him happy enough to not want to drink. It does prove that you can be a very successful person as well as an alcoholic, and he hid it from everyone apart from me.

I asked for a separation when our 4 children were all under 10yrs (youngest was under 2). We never managed to get divorced because he died 20 months later from the effects of his alcoholism. Up to the day he died he denied he had a problem, and was telling all and sundry who'd listen that he was dry.

You're saying all the things I did. It's not a good time now, he's down because he's got no work, then it'll be that he's down because he doesn't like his work, you're being tentative about conversations, and you think you've got no rational idea about what is too much to drink, but I think you do. You know how many units the government guideline is, he's drinking more than that in a night.

I strongly urge you to get in touch with AlAnon http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alanon/isAlanonForYou.asp who will give you lots of support, and you will get the opportunity to chat to other people who are or have been in exactly the same position as you. You cannot, with all the best intention and goodwill in the world, make your OH change what he does, but you can change the enabling pattern of behaviour you are dealing with it yourself. You have a responsibility to yourself and your son, not this man. I think if you were to stand firm, tell him to go away and get himself sorted out, then come back after that, he'd respect you more, and you'd respect yourself too. Remember how empowered you felt when you dealt with your ex. Focus on that feeling and use it now.

I wish you the very best of luck, and if you want to PM me, please do.