Ok to leave daughters overnight?

HC_2

sticher wrote: »

Those that don't leave older teens alone - how will they ever be prepared for adult life?

In my case (I mentioned above that I've never left my 17-year-olds overnight), DD1 doesn't yet feel comfortable with the idea, and I respect that. However, she's confident enough to spend half-term 150 miles away from home, alone in a bed and breakfast, doing work experience at a nearby vet's practice.

DD2 might be tempted to throw a party...:rolleyes:

Of course, they are left alone during daytimes and evenings, just not through the whole night.

There are more important ways to prepare teenagers for adult life than leaving them alone overnight if you/they don't feel, for whatever reason, that that's the right thing at that particular time.

michelefauk

Hi
It certainly is a difficult one.
I have 3 children DD1 who is 16, DS 14 and DD2 who is 3.
I am happy to let my 16 yr old look after the little one for an hour or so in the day, or early evening till say 11 pm. I dont do this very often as I am conscious that she may begin to resent babysitting and get stroppy about it. I wouldnt leave even the 16 yr old alone for a whole night, she would be scared, to be honest. Even if she babysits for us for the evening and we are home at say 11, she is always asleep on the sofa and says she doesnt like going up to bed until we are home. I wouldnt ask her to mind her 14 yr old brother too, though as there would be World War 3 when I got back! I know that the 16 yr old once asleep would sleep through anything though, and that is why I wouldnt leave her in charge all night. I can go in and hoover her bedroom and she doesnt wake up! Let alone hear if her little sister woke up! I also think it isnt fair, the little one is my responsibilty not her sister's and if anything happeneed, I would never forgive myself.
This doesnt help with your situation though, and I must admit it is a tricky one, hope you find a solution for you soon.
As for the person who goes out running leaving young children alone, how would you live with yourself if a fire broke out and you got home to find a fire engine outside your house? If you lived in my street, I would certainly report you to Social Services I am afraid for being so selfish and putting yourself before your children's safety. Even when I was a single parent for 9 years and might have been tempted to nip to the corner shop of an evening to get a pint of milk thinking my children were safely asleep, I never once did it. I remember once when I was about 4 waking up and my mum wasnt in the house, the terror I felt at being abandoned is still with me today. She was only in the garden talking to a neighbour, but I was hysterical by the time she came back in.

bestpud

Spendless wrote: »

Bestpud - I was never asked or paid to babysit my sibling, it was expected of me. My parents went out every saturday night, admittedly not for long from 9pm - 11.30. We had a babysitter, till we moved to a different part of the town shortly before my 12th birthday and from then on, we were left.

At about 15 I wanted to go to a Saturday night youth club/disco but couldn't cos of having to babysit. Sometimes I used to walk down and meet my mates, when they came out about 10ish taking sister with me, and swear her to secrecy by bribing her with a bag of chips. Around this time I protested about babysitting but I still had to do it. At 16 I got my first long term boyfriend and he too stopped in with me babysitting my sister, till she got to 12 herself then she was left alone. I remember her being unhappy with this, but after 7 years of babysitting, I wasn't stopping in anymore.;)

I thought that was probably the case. DD is always asked with plenty of notice, always paid and I would not even ask if I knew she wanted to go out. She is very happy to do it and will ask why I didn't ask her if I arrange someone else! She babysits for others too, as I've said.

However, as she is asked in advance and we pay her, I do expect her to fulfil the agreement. Obviously I wouldn't expect her to give up some last minute thing which cropped up and that she really wanted to do, but I would be annoyed if she agreed and then let us down at the last minute for something trivial iyswim.

I feel that is no worse than what an employer would expect of her. She doesn't look after her regularly so we haven't had the problem of her wanting to go out though. That may be an issue later on but I'd have thought Tuesday will be better than a weekend night.

bestpud

UKTigerlily wrote: »

I'm wondering (As someone without kids or any knowledge of available services etc) if social services or ads could help find someone like me. As in i'm single, CRB checked, have kid first aid certs & can spend the night anywhere as no kids myself. To someone like me it wouldn't make a difference where I slept & I wouldn't expect to be paid. Surely somewhere there's others who're single & wouldn't mind helping out!

I mean absolutely no offense now, so please don't read it that way.

I would be very wary of allowing someone I don't know to babysit my children. Well I wouldn't, full stop. I would be worried sick about them!

I think a lot of that is to do with experiences I had as a child though.

I guess for many parent though, it would be great if they could arrange something like that.

Spendless

Someone not asking for payment would worry me what they were up to. Now if I was looking up a childminder and on the register it said childminder tigerlily is able to offer o/night childcare if I was a shift worker I MIGHT be interested.

bestpud

Dormouse wrote: »

It's tricky, isn't it... I would actually probably say it is okay in your circumstances, as long as DD1 is 16. I mean, there are 16-year-olds out there looking after their own kids, so what's the difference?

My DH, on the other hand, says no way! :cool:

And just wanted to point out (sorry ) that if you say DD15, it means you have 15 kids! :eek: That's why people refer to DD1 and DD2 and then you can put their ages separately, e.g. DD1 (15), IYSWIM. Sorry, it just made me giggle thinking of 15 children. :rotfl:

Funny that, as my DH is more worried than me about it!

I did wonder when I started the thread if people would think I have 15 children! But it was such a long first post, I couldn't be bothered to type 'age' each time! I hadn't thought of putting it in brackets though - thanks, for future reference.

Then I later considered changing it to dd1 and dd2 but thought I'd just confuse matters at that stage. Oh well! :rotfl:

I definitely haven't got 15 children! Although dd2 insisted to her teacher, and head teacher, one day that I had 4 children! She was most persistent, even after I explained that the fourth one was daddy - I call him my 4th child as it's often like dealing with another one!

sticher

Spendless and HC - No my post wasn't directed at either of you, but at those posters who said they wouldn't leave teens alone at all during the day, and for others who said they/or parents regularly left young children in the care of older children to go away for the weekend. So much can go wrong with a newborn, who in their right mind would leave one in the care of a child.

Smickan

I was a creche worker - responsible for varying numbers of children from 4 to a much larger number (surestart creches were anything up to about 20/25 children) from the age of 16 to 17 whilst I took a year out. The children were largely under the age of 4 during term time with it going up to 16 during the holidays. I did a couple of school clubs at a local primary school (5-15) and we had like up to 30 kids then.

All those times I had at least one person working with me - going up to about 5 at the most I think when the larger amount of kids - but I was still 16 (and then 17) and felt capable and never had any accidents/serious issues and those that were problems I was able to deal with them.

Without blowing my own trumpet I was quite mature and looked older than I was and I really enjoyed doing it, BUT those weren't my siblings, it was a job and there was no 'I'm not doing it, you're not mummy/daddy, I'm telling on you!' and I HAD to report all problems. Would you trust your daughter to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth or would she try and hide something if anything had happened/your youngest had banged their head/had an accident etc etc.

bestpud

Smickan wrote: »

I was a creche worker - responsible for varying numbers of children from 4 to a much larger number (surestart creches were anything up to about 20/25 children) from the age of 16 to 17 whilst I took a year out. The children were largely under the age of 4 during term time with it going up to 16 during the holidays. I did a couple of school clubs at a local primary school (5-15) and we had like up to 30 kids then.

All those times I had at least one person working with me - going up to about 5 at the most I think when the larger amount of kids - but I was still 16 (and then 17) and felt capable and never had any accidents/serious issues and those that were problems I was able to deal with them.

Without blowing my own trumpet I was quite mature and looked older than I was and I really enjoyed doing it, BUT those weren't my siblings, it was a job and there was no 'I'm not doing it, you're not mummy/daddy, I'm telling on you!' and I HAD to report all problems. Would you trust your daughter to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth or would she try and hide something if anything had happened/your youngest had banged their head/had an accident etc etc.

Yes I would trust her to say if dd2 hurt herself. I can be pretty sure dd2 would say something too!

I will check that out with her though, as it isn't something I'd ever thought would happen.

However, she knows I wouldn't blame her for an accident, and I can't imagine she would cover up an inury for fear of it being something serious. She is very protective of her little sister.

I suppose there is a possibility dd2 will fall, or whatever, while dd1 is chatting on the phone, or watching TV, or something similar. Then I guess she may fail to inform me she wasn't paying attention, but I'm sure she wouldn't cover up the actual injury, iyswim.

Then again, how many of us are in the same room as our child during their every waking moment?

bestpud

michelefauk wrote: »

Hi
It certainly is a difficult one.
I have 3 children DD1 who is 16, DS 14 and DD2 who is 3.
I am happy to let my 16 yr old look after the little one for an hour or so in the day, or early evening till say 11 pm.
I also think it isnt fair, the little one is my responsibilty not her sister's and if anything happeneed, I would never forgive myself.
This doesnt help with your situation though, and I must admit it is a tricky one, hope you find a solution for you soon.

TBH, dd1 didn't start looking after dd2 until she was 14 and dd2 was 5 years old, and even then it would only be for the odd half hour or so and after dd2 was in bed and asleep.

My ds also didn't look after dd2 until she was five, even though he is older than dd1. Saying that, I did pop up the road to the shop a few times when dd2 was in bed, but certainly not for more than around 15 minutes, and not when she was awake.

It's only in the last few months that she has looked after dd2 during the day and two hours is the absolute maximum. I try and sort something else if it is going to be more than an hour and a half. I'm happier with a longer period once dd2 is in bed. This is not frequent, or regular, though.

I think there is a world of difference between a three year old and a six year old, but perhaps that's just me?

I can honestly say I would not coerce dd1 into this job and I am as confident as I can be that she would speak up if she felt I was asking too much of her. I would not expect her to take on a parenting role as, I agree, they are both our children.