Today I tell my husband...

Jelly_Babies

Mrs Lady

Your husband will feel shocked by what you have told him and he will need time to calm down, but he will be back. You say you have a young child, and you also say in your first post that he is a lovely man.

If you have a plan of how you are going to deal with and ask him for his help and support I am sure you will get through this. Perhaps suggest that he takes over responsibility for the finances?

I felt totally responsible initially for the debt me and my husband had run up but looking back as DD said, he had simply left the responsibility of money to me and taken no interest. I didn't like to say no when asked if we could afford things so I said we could and found the money.

Try and be as constructive as you can so that when he returns, and he will, you can show him how you want to work this out.

Good luck

Queen.Bess

Oh Mrs Lady, I can't believe he's left, but I'm sure it's only temporary and once he's had time to think and clam down and clear his head, he'll be back and you'll both be able to sit down and work it out.

I wish you luck.

ampersand

Dear Mrs Lady -
You have done it, so WELL DONE, although this is the last feeling you will be allowing yourself to accept.
Now it's time to contact your CCCS advisor.
This cannot be as bad as what you have just bravely done, although it will be different and may feel the same.
You are probably feeling empty and hopeless, BUT YOU ARE NOT.
You told people here of your predicament and you have told your husband.
To be trying to balance a Budget with one of you as a fulltime student is a nightmarish prospect for any couple nowadays.
I would suggest that your husband's grasp of where money goes has not been realistic, albeit that you allowed him to think you could work miracles.
How did he think the work on the house could be done otherwise?
No, he may need to talk to a Student Finance advisor, too - or sound off to someone at Uni/College and it would be good if you both went to this person, who may well make Budgetary truths hit home to him, too.
Now, you ARE alright.
Have you looked on Freecycle for nappies and baby bits? - apart from anything else. Breckland and South Norfolk will be your local groups probably, as well as Norwich.
Yes, we hope he comes back, having asked himself some perceptive questions, too.
You should not have had to beg and borrow through feeling unable to spell out current financial Truths to him.
He will need to learn this.

I am not in now, but will be thinking about you, with strength and assurance, during today.

Mrs Lady, you've already done a big and courageous thing, faced it and now it is past.

Please phone CCCS now - then you've faced your demons, both in a single morning, and will have proper help from someone who already knows you.

This is praiseworthy on its own.

all_hours

mrs_lady wrote: »

I realise now I should have done this. Too late i'm afraid. He has packed up and gone. I have only two nappies left for the little one and £2 in my purse. Hoping he calms down and comes back. I don't work and my husband is a full time student. I had to beg and borrow to get by.

if your husband is a full time student and you dont work - what income do you both have.how did your husband expect you both to live and bring up a child.

if he doesnt calm down and come back - get yourself down to the cab and see what benefits youre entitled to. see if you can get a small crisis loan to see you over the next week until youve worked out what to do.

cat4772

Mrs Lady

WELCOME TO MSE.

My heart goes out to you. When I found out about my husband's debts I have to confess I walked out of the house after I gave him an ultimatum that if he was still there when I returned later on it would be MY WAY or divorce. A year later we're still together and with the help and advice of MSE, DFW and the crew here, we've managed to reduce the debt by 9K. It isn't a quick fix solution it's a long-term lifestyle solution.

Check out the sticky at the top of the DFW page and then post your SOA (statement of affairs) and the crew will go through it and offer helpful soluctions to make your money go further and help reduce your debt.

All the best,

Cat.x

Snaggles

I'm so sorry he has reacted badly. I'm sure he will calm down, he will be in shock and may need some time to deal with it, but I hope he will quickly realise that he is partly responsible for this situation and will come back to help you sort it out.

In the meantime, if you only have £2 and not enough nappies, do you have any means of accessing ANY money at all? Is there anyone (family/friends) that would lend you a fiver, just to get you through the next couple of days until you can make some definite plans? At least if you weren't panicking about how you are going to change your baby, your mind would be clearer to focus on the other issues.

You have done something really brave, and I'm sure things will be okay given a little time, but (((hugs))) to you while you are trying to cope with the fallout from your confession, it can't be easy. Keep talking to us on here, and we will do our best to help.

WhoopieDoodle

Mrs Lady, I am sure he will be back. He will be feeling extremely angry and betrayed at the moment, but when this anger starts to settle down he will realise that he has benefited from the monies spent and it will dawn on him that you are in this TOGETHER!

I speak from experience. My OH told me at the beginning of the year that he was in a very large amount of debt. This debt began before we were married and continued, without me knowing. He never let me be involved with the finances (we had separate accounts and bills) and although I did ask sometimes to become involved, he wouldn't let me.

When I found out about the level of the debt I was incredibly angry, I felt completely betrayed and my whole world seemed to come crashing down.

I did threaten to leave him, we argued constantly for a week but as the days went by and I saw the strain on his face, I realised that I was to blame for the situation as much as he was.

I let him take control of the finances and I did benefit from the money spent, so when this sunk in, I made a pledge to take over the finances and stick by him.

Now I see it as "our" debt, not his and we are working to clear it and have a decent life.

As I said, your OH will need a little time to come to terms with the situation. He has had a massive shock, but I am sure that things will get better and you can breath easier now knowing the situation is finally out in the open (this must have caused you so much stress).

Good luck and please come back and talk to us

all_hours

if you cant get any nappies - do you have an old towel that you could cut up and use as a lining - make the two you have last longer.

lil_monkey

Just wanted to give you a hug and say well done for telling him - it takes alot of courage to do that. x x x x good luck:grouphug: he will come round - it's just a bit of a shock - think about how you would feel if you were in his boots!! x x chin up Mrs lady you will get through this x x

mrs_lady

I just want to say a huge thanks to all who have given me encouragement. I keep having a look inbetween crying my eyes out. To those of you who asked, my husband receives a bursary and I receive child tax credit and child benefit. We have three children.

I might not be too clever but can someone point out how to do the soa thing, then I'll try to come back and do it so you can see.

Many thanks again, its comforting to know others understand.