How old is too old to have a baby??

Savvy_Sue

I've merged these threads as we they are so similar.

JCD_Capulet

I guess it depends from person to person. For me personally I'm not very maternal or broody (I'm 26), my doctor told me I might not be able to concieve due to being years on chemical contracpetives and I've been with my BF for a year now and neither of us want kids. But I have decided that if I get to 35 and I haven't had any kids then I'm not going to, I'd be looking at addoption if I'm in the position to have a family since there are so many children looking for families as it is.

Lemony

Hi there,

Unfortunately not all of us 'choose' to be older Mums. A lot of the decision comes down to circumstances. My ex partner wasn't ready to have children and he kept saying 'one day' but of course 'one day' never came and then in my late 20's I became very sick and had to undergo lots of tests. My partner then left me after 11 years together and I ended up single again at age 34. I now have a new partner and I have been given the all clear by my Dr to go ahead with a pregnancy, but even if I got pregnant right away I would be almost 36 when my first baby was born. I certainly never planned, or wanted to be an older Mother, but sometimes that is just the way it turns out.

Lemony xxx

basilcat7

LouBlue wrote: »

OP says she doesn't feel she is ready yet to have a child, so irrespective of her age, I wouldn't be trying to rush her into it, until she felt ready, I would of course point out the difficulties she could face leaving it til later on in life, but I wouldn't be telling her to get on with it just because of her age.

LouBlue - thanks for this. My Mum is terribly supportive and when I ever have a moment of worrying about it all- she says 'plenty of time, I know you'll do it when its right.' I would hate it if she ever pressured me into doing anything... I also feel a lot younger in outlook than I am (comes from not having children I reckon ! :rotfl: ) and was never in the right situation, ex partner of 5 years wouldn't even talk about it....
For me, I have to be with the right person at the right time. And I suppose if I'm unlucky with my body letting me down- then that's the consequences I have to deal with.

Lemony- totally with you- sometimes its the way it turns out. Turns out we're in the same boat !

Thanks to all- always good to get a mixed viewpoint- it'd be boring if everyone was the same I suppose !!

skylight

I think that you need to establish what "Ready" is. How do you define being ready for a baby? Because I dont think that any of us here deemed ourselves as truely ready when the first baby came along (or the second, third or fourth....)

Although I definately knew when NOT to have a baby.

basilcat7

charlotte664 wrote: »

I think that you need to establish what "Ready" is. How do you define being ready for a baby? Because I dont think that any of us here deemed ourselves as truely ready when the first baby came along (or the second, third or fourth....)

Although I definately knew when NOT to have a baby.

I know what you are saying. But what happens if you have a partner who isn't ready and won't talk about it ? I wasted 5 years being with my ex and it was just 'one day'...... You can't make them want to pro- create- and for me, I would like a child that is wanted by both parents- not an accident to trap someone.

Now I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over a year- too soon in my book although others may disagree.

skylight

I think it goes both ways.

Younger parents have the energy and "life" about them to cope.
Older parents are more financially secure and calmer about life in general.

There are a thousand pluses and negatives to both sides. (Says she who had her first at 19 and the last at 32!)

basilcat7

Mitchaa- I do really feel for your friend. I'm truly glad a lot of people met the right person and was able to have children young. I wish I was with a supportive loving partner when I was in my mid 20's and we had both wanted to have children.

Speaking as someone who lost their father at 27 and my younger sister was 14- I do understand. And he was 66 so not a young parent when he had either of us.
But I wouldn't have changed anything because I know he loved us and wanted us - and I had the most fantastic childhood, my sister wasn't as lucky- like I say, she was 14 when he died. But She couldn't have been more wanted- and wasn't an accident.
But please, alll of you who thinks that it's always a choice for us- it isn't. There are 2 people involved.... and I very much want the 2nd person to be as willing and exited about bringing our child into the world.

LouBlue

mitchaa wrote: »

I have a close childhood friend that i have grown up with who shares the same birthday as me. I am 25, she is 26. We were in the same class at school and have grown up together.

She was bullied in her early school years for having a 'gran and a 'grandad' as a mother and father. They decided to leave her late and were 46 and 43 when they had her. (Meaning 51 and 48 when 1st at school)

In comparison to the other young mums and dads in there mid 20's they did look like grandparents i suppose.

Anyway to cut a long story short, her father died of a heart attack last year, aged 70 and her mother has just been diagnosed with an incurable lung cancer. She doesn't have long left and is on her 'last legs' so to speak aged 68.

My friend is 4 months pregnant and has just recently got engaged. Her mother will not last until the birth, and she will also miss the wedding. (She would be too ill even if they brought wedding forward)

Not only has their decision to leave it late to have a child affected their life, ie not having grandchildren, not being there for wedding of their daughter etc, my friends poor child will grow up without a gran or a grandad (mothers side anyway)

She never had much of a childhood either as her parents were a bit too old to enjoy the fun things in life with her, adventure trips etc

Thankfully, my parents were early twenties when they had me and likewise i was 24 when i had my little boy. They now have 4 grandchildren in total and both my parents are still under the age of 50. My son and nephews/nieces also have a great gran in her early 70's and a GG Gran now approaching 90.

I had my 1st at 24, i would like a 2nd next year to keep the kids ages close together and then hopefully a 3rd in my later 20's, 28/29.

I think i'll get the snip at 30.

Some people do leave it to late yes, and i think it is selfish mainly for the reasons ive added above. It's the child who will suffer in the long run.

I obviously have quite strong views on the subject as i am close to my friend above and have seen her life shattered by her parents decision in 'leaving it late'

Thank you for this post, I do feel for your friend I really do.

From my own personal point of view, and not talking for anyone else, as I said in a previous post, majority of 40 somethings today do not look or act like the 40 somethings of 20-30 years ago. Also, yes of course having older parents, the child could be parentless and/or have no grandparents at some time in the future. I do completely understand this. But not having parents or grandchildren isn't just for children who have older parents. My parents were in their mid 20's when they had me. I haven't had a father for 15 years and lost my mum last year, of course, had I known I would lose my mum last year, maybe I would have tried to conceive a little earlier but she went completely out of the blue, she had only been ill for a week, with a chest infection. I don't have any parents or grandparents which does make me incredibly sad that I won't have that emotional support - I am also engaged and won't have my mum there for the wedding. I have no aunts or uncles, but I do have 2 sisters and one niece and 2 nephews, so for that, I am truly grateful. OH still has both parents and one grandparent left. Of course, I would love to still have my mum and grandparents around me for that support but I feel we would make really good parents and have a lot of love to give so that is not going to stop me. As for some people not wanting children til later on in life for selfish reasons, I am sure there are some people like that, but I was never broody before and was never with the right person. Some of us don't choose to be older parents, it just works out that way. I truly hope we will be blessed but we have prepared ourselves, as much as we can anyway, that it might not happen.

Good luck to you and your OH Basil with whatever you both decide to do. xx

Lemony

I think it is sad when anybody loses a parent, but life is unpredictable and nobody knows what lies ahead. You can't make decisions based on what might happen in the future. I have personally known at least 3 people who died unexpectedly in their 30's. I think you just have to look at your own circumstances and base your decision on that.

If I'd had a baby in my 20's I would have been living in rented accomodation and I would now be a single Mum because my boyfriend left me. Instead, I had a career and I now have my own house and finacial stability which I can offer a child. I also have family close by who would be part of the child's life.

It is not just about the age of the parents. I think it's about what the parents have got to offer their children.

Lemon x