DMP Mutual Support Thread (Part Three)

Mrs_Weasley

think i've learned my lesson with that one ! Oooops hope no-one thinks i broke it hitting ds, it was his fault really bloomin foam swords

Sanshing i've also had a creditor ask me to borrow of family/friends told the lady that borrowing money after money is what got us into the mess in the first place, she didin't have a reply!

compulsivespender79

Hi all, been hiding away for a few days, so busy!

It's time for a confession;
Having finally faced up to my debts and got my DMP sorted, I now feel that I need to own up to something - my OH doesn't know the mess I was in and doesn't know about the DMP, and I don't know how to tell him. He's told me that his previous relationship ended because of his ex's trouble with money. We've been together 18 months, and don't live together. He's NEVER been in any kind of trouble. He has a £2500 OD that he never touches, is always at least £500 in credit at the end of the month, and is lucky enough to have parents who can give him £6000 for a new car. He has no concept of debt, or how easy it is to fall into it, so how can I possibly explain? Part of me thinks that if he loves me, he'll be angry for a while, and then help me through it. Another part of me feels that he might tell me where to go, and if he does that is it such a great loss anyway?
Please advise, this is the final hurdle for me, and definitely the hardest. I can handle the phonecalls and letters, and I can handle being skint, I just can't face his disappointment.

CSx

mummytofour

compulsivespender79 wrote: »

Hi all, been hiding away for a few days, so busy!

It's time for a confession;
Having finally faced up to my debts and got my DMP sorted, I now feel that I need to own up to something - my OH doesn't know the mess I was in and doesn't know about the DMP, and I don't know how to tell him. He's told me that his previous relationship ended because of his ex's trouble with money. We've been together 18 months, and don't live together. He's NEVER been in any kind of trouble. He has a £2500 OD that he never touches, is always at least £500 in credit at the end of the month, and is lucky enough to have parents who can give him £6000 for a new car. He has no concept of debt, or how easy it is to fall into it, so how can I possibly explain? Part of me thinks that if he loves me, he'll be angry for a while, and then help me through it. Another part of me feels that he might tell me where to go, and if he does that is it such a great loss anyway?
Please advise, this is the final hurdle for me, and definitely the hardest. I can handle the phonecalls and letters, and I can handle being skint, I just can't face his disappointment.

CSx

You dont live with him, I know they say you should share your debt worries but if his attitude would cause offence I can not see why he needs to know? But the way good luck with the DMP its quite liberating to finally have things under control for me.

newlywed

mummytofour wrote: »

You dont live with him, I know they say you should share your debt worries but if his attitude would cause offence I can not see why he needs to know? But the way good luck with the DMP its quite liberating to finally have things under control for me.

I told my OH when we were discussing engagement/marriage (we weren't living together). I thought it was unfair to let him commit to me long term and share a home with me without knowing. If that kind of thing may be on the cards for you then you should tell him.

What would hurt you more - finding out your OH had lied to you/hidden things from you - or the fact that OH had been stupid with money, had learnt the lesson and was doing their best to put it right?

Have to say it really wasn't the easiest thing to confess to - and OH had some debts from past relationship left, but after I told him, all the snapping when he wanted to do something that would cost money went away because I could just say - I'm broke.

rayday2

Its a bit of a toughie really I can understand your dilemma.

Thing is what you are doing now is very responsible you have put a stop to the cycle of borrowing and now each month that goes by you will owe less. Which whenever you tell him is how I would put it, also from your sig you only owe £9k - put into perspective his parents give him two thirds of that amount towards a car, you don't have that luxury and if it wasn't for his parents he would be borrowing!

compulsivespender79

newlywed wrote: »

I told my OH when we were discussing engagement/marriage (we weren't living together). I thought it was unfair to let him commit to me long term and share a home with me without knowing. If that kind of thing may be on the cards for you then you should tell him.

This is what I'm worrying about Newlywed. I know he's keen for us to live together. And I don't think I can live with the burden of keeping it secret, cos it would surely come back around and bite me on the bum! I can just imagine sitting in the bank asking for a mortgage, and the man going, "So Clair, I can see you have 3 million defaults on your credit file, and you're on a DMP", and OH's face would just fall. I know realistically I can't keep it from him, and I don't actually want to. But how do I tell him? How do I start? "Oh, by the way, I'm crap with money, I have no credit rating, and I've been hiding the fact that I'm up to my neck in it for six months"!!! I just want to scream - why the hell to I get myself into this mess in the first place?!?!?!

Sorry for the outburst , I'm just so angry with myself at the moment.

rayday2

I think if you leave it until sitting in an office with a bank manager you could be in trouble. When he next talks about moving in I would tell him before it happens and you get "connected" credit wise. Explain how scared you were to tell him after what he said in the past and explain how determined you were to pay it all off and keep it your problem not his and see what his reaction is.

You have to remember that ex's are made so much worse than they are, she could have had a spotty complexion because he does not like it he would make it sound like leprasy and a reason why he disliked her. What I am trying to say is poor finances is just another thing to levy at someone he dislikes. With someone he has big feelings for it could just be not "an ideal" but if its the worst thing you have done its not that bad.

I can't explain myself well today - sorry!

newlywed

I know it's hard and I'm still annoyed with myself for getting in all that debt.

I started by turning the telly off and saying look - I need to tell you something. I need you to listen and try really hard not to get annoyed with me. Then I explained - and I cried lots - OH didn't say much. I said I needed make sure he knew before our finances were linked in any way. Then we talked it through, tried to come up with solutions. Then when I found out about a DMP we both read through it all and talked it over and OH really supported me signing up for it. His support really helped.

I think when you do tell him, you really need to concentrate on the - never want credit again, have learned my lesson, have got help, am making sure I will pay all of it off myself, will never get in this mess again - comments

You have taken responsibility for your debt, and are sorting it out. That should be a huge plus point in your favour. Although he may be angry at first, let him calm down and hopefully he will realise you have taken positive steps to sort it out and support you in that. Though of course there is no guarantees, sorry

newlywed

Just noticed your sig - wanted to let you know my debts were over £35k

compulsivespender79

newlywed wrote: »

Just noticed your sig - wanted to let you know my debts were over £35k

Nothing to say but THANK YOU, once again you wonderful people have helped enormously.
I have promised myself that I will tell him between now and Sunday. I'll pop back in to let you know how it went - wish me luck!