Would you withhold money from son?

mae

Would really like peoples opinions on this.

My son is 16 a generally good lad who has never brought us any trouble. The problem now is his attitude its driving me mad. He is at college and doesn't do any college work at home, I think he just does what he needs to do and manages to meet deadlines by doing just enough (he thinks this is good enough).

He has a job but it is a job where you ring up when you want hours so he very rarely asks for hours and when he does its because I have gone on and on and on.... He says he doesn't really understand what its got to do with me when he works etc its up to him.

He comes home from college and goes straight on his lap top and stays on it without bothering to even come down for food or a drink (unless his food is made and I shout him down and demand he eats it with us!) until around midnight when I put my foot down and say turn it off!!

He has only had one shower in 5 days which I have shouted at him for this morning!!

He just doesn't get it and when we sit him down to talk about his motivation and we think he should be working at least once per week etc he just sits there and when he does speak its generally with an attiitude!! He even started talking about an advert in the middle of us having this conversation with him!!

I tell myself all the rational stuff and am determined not to shout and rise above it but as soon as I see him being so laid back I start shouting again

Anyway the upshot is we have said if he is not meeting us half way then we are not paying for his bus fare and food while at college if he is obviously so flushed with cash. I have took the savings (we saved) off him because I think he will just go through that before he would realise he needs to earn money. We will pay for necessary clothes, toiletries, food etc but no leisure money or college money until he pulls his weight with college and takes it seriously and is willing to have a regular part time job.

We are not mean with him usually and i was going to buy a smaller car this year so he could learn to drive in it and then I would let him share it but I don't see why I should make it so easy for him while he has this attitide to everything. I am not going to help him pay for driving lessons now I will just give him birthday money and let him decide how to use it.

So I am sorry its a long one but basically what do you think of us withholding money is it mean or for his own good?

Sola

I think it's for his own good - I'm in favour of tough love. Well done.

mae

Just edited my original post to add abit more info. Can you tell I could go on and on about him

Thanks sola its just so hard. I want the best for him but I feel if I make it too easy he will always have this attitude but if I am too tough I could also push him the other way I need balance but what is the balance??

cathryn107

I know he's a teenger and they tend to lurk in their rooms, but have you thought that he might be suffering from depression - the hiding away, lack of motivation and (the thing that really rang alarm bells for me) the failing to wash for several days?

maryotuam

I did the same with my daughter when she was 16. She was a lovely well behaved girl who worked hard at her A level studies. What worried me though was the fact that she wasn't mixing with anyone and just went to school and sat at home. So I stopped all pocket money in order to encourage her to get a part time job. Eventually she started babysitting but resisted getting a part time job.

The important point is that she told me recently that I did the right thing. She said she had no concept of money until she had none and it was a great learning experience. I think you are doing the right thing and you are starting to treat your son as an adult rather than a child. Even if he is unhappy with your decision now, don't worry because he will thank you in the long run.

JoJoB

It's not uncommon for teenagers to be unmotivated lazy gits.

However, the key to becoming motivated is having to be. I am naturally lazy and if I had had rich or even moderately well-off parents no doubt I wouldn't have bothered too much with anything and just lazed around between sessions at the pub.

But because we were dirt-poor and my parents couldn't afford hardly anything I had saturday jobs from 14 years old and certainly when i was 16 made sure i got all the work I could manage while juggling college, otherwise I would have had no social life and no clothes! Needless to say, this poverty also drove me to do well in exams etc (not that it's really helped in terms of my earning nowadays ). All my friends, even from more well-off homes did the same re part-time jobs, everyone had a gig going down the local supermarket or shoe-shop.

I would suggest giving him the travel money to college as you don't want to make it too difficult/give him excuses not to go. But certainly you shouldn't be subsidising his leisure activities, not while he has the opportunity to work. I assume you and your OH work to give him the money, so he is expecting you to do the work for him in this respect! That's a bit cheeky!

Badger_Lady

He sounds like a fairly typical teenager

Thinking back to when I was a 16-yr-old student (not too long ago), I always did the bare minimum. There was no question of me putting in "effort" (as if!).

But my parents never gave me money or paid for anything - that was fine by me, I just did enough work to pay for what I needed. The bare minimum is just that little bit more.

Actually, I moved out of my parents' house before I turned 17 - at that point, I had to work 20 hours a week to pay the rent whilst studying for A-Levels.

Amazing what you can achieve when you have to.

Mind you, I can see that it will be a little more difficult for you to take away priveliges he's already had - there may well be a bit of argument and resentment for a while, but as long as he's tough enough to get over it, it'll be worth it in the long-run.

You don't (I assume) want him to still be depending on you at 26 :eek:

mrcow

When he's hiding away on the laptop, is he on the internet?

How about unplugging the connection for a couple of weeks.....tell him it's broken......see if it brings him out of his hovel?

And :eek: to the washing thing!

maryotuam

I found out later that my daughter was suffering from depression at the time and this lasted a good two years. Fortunately she chose to see the doctor and after a short period (3 months) on anti depressents she became well again. (She said it broke the cycle of misery and helped her start afresh.) I do feel guilty that she didn't feel free to for ask my help.

But I would still stick with your decision to encourage your son to earn his own money.

squeaky

cathryn107 wrote: »

I know he's a teenger and they tend to lurk in their rooms, but have you thought that he might be suffering from depression - the hiding away, lack of motivation and (the thing that really rang alarm bells for me) the failing to wash for several days?

Seconded.

Yes, there's the usual teenage rebellion and "I'm all grown up now and can make my own decisions" stuff in there (and possibly "what the heck do you know - you're ancient and boring") - they all go through it - we all went through it.

But my first thought here too was of depression. Of course we're talking from outside your situation and we're not medical staff; but if there's any chance of getting him along to the doctor's for a chat it might prove helpful. At least it would clear up the depression versus normal teenage stuff possibility.

HTH

hm71_2

I could have written the ops post myself about 4 months ago.:D Ds is now 17, he would sit in his room all day given half a chance but slowly he has become fairly motivated, looking for work etc.. he had a temp xmas job which he enjoyed- but he has gone slightly the other way now which is partying/ drinking as many weekends as possible. I don't give him any money as that is what his EMA is for, he wanted driving lessons so we paid for 10 for his b'day and said after that he has to do it himself, we paid for his theory test but told him if he failed it, next one was up to him( he passed it). He has asked several times for a car and I just ask him why didn't he save any money from his job rather than blow it all on clothes. My idea is that if I keep giving everything to him he will never learn. I feel this is why he has turned around and got more motivated- tough love works!