Would you withhold money from son?

lynzpower

flower_72 wrote: »

Just to clarify a little point: i haven't got a problem wit my parents. None at all. I go and see them as often as I can (they live in a different country), I ring them every wee. And yes I respect and love them.
They have always cared about me, worry about me and therefore tried to control my life so that I would avoid all those bad things that could happen to me. All I could hear is nag nag nag, do this, do that. They did mean well but it had the oposite effect on me.
They haven't changed. They still mean well. Although with time my mum has backed off a bit and I myself know how to deal with it (ie get along with it safe in the knowledge that I'll come to my home and get my independance back)
But as a teenager... they were such a pain... It always sounded like they were having a go at me or at what could happen to me.
Not sure I'm explaining myself very well here. But to sum it up: great parents but right pain in the bum.;)

With you flower.

And the fact is that even though, I did all those things that my parents marked out as heading directly to the sin bin, I still manage to have a wonderful relationship with a fantastic man, a wonderful home, a stack of qualifications, a job I love, stable finances and a teriffic future.

However, my dad seems to think cos I stay up late on the internet and am still smoking cigarettes that my life is doomed to a life of crime in a rough area and living on a terrible estate

Sometimes adults take worrying just too far for thier own good and rationality vanishes.

morganb

Instead of giving him the money for travel to/from college, could you perhaps buy a weekly/monthly ticket, then at least you know it's being spent on travel and not to sub something else ... definitely in favour of tough love. That's what it's like in the real world, after all!

squidge60

i think 16 is such a horrible place to be your hormones everyone expecting so much(i did with my son )if it was me i think i woud cut him some slack ignore some of the issues .maybe knock on his bedroom door see if you can talk give him a hug tell him you love him and are worried (ignore the attitude sometimes i think it is just a front anyway )and hopefully you will get somewhere i found it hard with my son but sometimes it worked sometimes not.best of luck not an easy task!

DUKE

You stick to your guns Mae

Kimitatsu

Mae

You are doing JUST the right things!

My DS1 has hormones raging but there is only one rule in our house, whilst I put a roof over his head and food in his tummy then he obeys the rules.

I would ensure that he has the basics covered, as suggested a travel pass to college, food available to eat and a cut off point when the internet connection is disabled. If he chooses not to conform to the rules then the internet is taken away and he goes back to being a child, he wants to act like one then he can be treated like one. If he wants extra money then he can earn it - both of my sons have had their pocket money linked to chores since they were small, if they dont earn it then the basics are provided but anything else is down to them.

In our house it works, and although the tone of voice still appears (I find ignoring them at that point works - cant speak to me in a civil tone then try again when you can!) and he still finds ways to be an individual but then again I am teaching him about responsibility not controlling his life for him.

Stick to your guns! Its worth it in the end :cool: after all we all survived to tell the tale :rotfl:

Riq

When I was 16, about 7 ish years ago I was doing a paper round for my money. Then when I left secondary school to go to 6th form I got a part time job at weekends. I went to quite a good sixth form, Grammar school and they didn't advise having a part time job!!

But my mum said it would do me good. I used to be like your son is, staying in my room, but on computer games rather than laptop. I didn't like showers either, I still find them a chore, but a necessary one. Someone mentioned the girl aspect, yes, it's true. That was the reason I started to shower regularly!!

Anyway, my mum told me to get a job at weekends and I did in a call centre, no offense to anyone that works in one, but the people I worked with were complete morons. It made me decide there and then that I am not just going to cruise on by doing just enough. I don't want to sound big headed but I got quite good GCSE grades without trying and I reckoned I could do the same for A-Levels. I thought to myself though I want a very good job and just doing enough is exactly not enough to get where I want to be.

I went to uni after this, worked hard and am now an accountant trainee in a big company and have excellent prospects for the future.

The point of this post is to say that I thank my mum she did what she did. I had more money than any of my friends because of my job meaning I could do whatever I wanted, I could buy all sorts of things. Some would say I wasted it on computer games, clothes and meals out. But I had a bloody good time doing it!! My mum said I wasted it btw, but as I earned it myself and I was happy, then she was happy!

Yaaaay!!

belfastgirl23

I can see both points of view here but I suppose the key thing is to think about what he is perceiving to be the case. I suspect he thinks you're trying to run his life for him so his way of proving his independence is to automatically do the opposite of what you're instructing him to do. If you stop telling him what to do then he'll have to set his own agenda (rather than setting it by simply reacting against you). And if you've brought him up properly and he is a good kid at heart then this will eventually show through. After a pretty rough few months though I'd guess And you might have to watch him get a few bad exam results or whatever in the meantime although better learning this lesson now than in final year uni IMHO.

randyrat

Well done you for being a bit tougher.....
I know everyone bleats on about how hard kids lives are now...but I just can't see it....schools and colleges bend over backwards to give them everything they need, even if they blatantly can't be bothered; exams are so much easier than 10 or 15 years ago, so even the most idle layabout can leave with a fistful of qualifications.
Little wonder they expect everything on a plate at home.
In our situation, our teen son was exactly the same; did nothing, everything was expected without any sort of gratitude; food, designer clothes, internet, the lates computer, etc, etc.
Well, to cut a long story short; when he left full time ed at age 16, we gave him two weeks grace, and he settled into sedentary slothness as expected. At the end of two weeks, we stopped his allowance, took away his games, tv and cut off the internet to his room. Of course holy hell broke loose, but lo and behold he actually took some notice when we started to explain the cost of everything, how money really doesn't grow on trees, and how he now had to find some way to contribute to the household, in order to get some of his luxuries back.
Best thing we ever did. He is now working in IT, has paid for his own car, and actually goes out sometimes! As well as contributing £80 a month to the household (20% of his earnings) we actually get a little bit of respect from him.....which, after all, is all we really wanted.
Stick with it...when all of his friends are out on the town, driving cars and going on foreign holidays it'll shake him out of his sloth body and push him into adult life.......fingers crossed.....
randyrat

angellotz

mae wrote: »

Would really like peoples opinions on this.

My son is 16 a generally good lad who has never brought us any trouble. The problem now is his attitude its driving me mad. He is at college and doesn't do any college work at home, I think he just does what he needs to do and manages to meet deadlines by doing just enough (he thinks this is good enough).

He has a job but it is a job where you ring up when you want hours so he very rarely asks for hours and when he does its because I have gone on and on and on.... He says he doesn't really understand what its got to do with me when he works etc its up to him.

He comes home from college and goes straight on his lap top and stays on it without bothering to even come down for food or a drink (unless his food is made and I shout him down and demand he eats it with us!) until around midnight when I put my foot down and say turn it off!!

He has only had one shower in 5 days which I have shouted at him for this morning!!

He just doesn't get it and when we sit him down to talk about his motivation and we think he should be working at least once per week etc he just sits there and when he does speak its generally with an attiitude!! He even started talking about an advert in the middle of us having this conversation with him!!

I tell myself all the rational stuff and am determined not to shout and rise above it but as soon as I see him being so laid back I start shouting again

Anyway the upshot is we have said if he is not meeting us half way then we are not paying for his bus fare and food while at college if he is obviously so flushed with cash. I have took the savings (we saved) off him because I think he will just go through that before he would realise he needs to earn money. We will pay for necessary clothes, toiletries, food etc but no leisure money or college money until he pulls his weight with college and takes it seriously and is willing to have a regular part time job.

We are not mean with him usually and i was going to buy a smaller car this year so he could learn to drive in it and then I would let him share it but I don't see why I should make it so easy for him while he has this attitide to everything. I am not going to help him pay for driving lessons now I will just give him birthday money and let him decide how to use it.

So I am sorry its a long one but basically what do you think of us withholding money is it mean or for his own good?

i would tend to agree that depression is a possibility. the lack of motivation, not washing, staying in his room all the time does point towards that, although it is common for a teenager to stay in their room a lot. I am only 19 and don't have children, but i did suffer from depression from the age of 14 and i also didnt leave my room a lot. i actually think paying for driving lessons would be a better idea than giving him money and letting him decide how to use it - again, putting myself in his shoes, knowing that driving lessons are there for him will get him to go out, and give him a bit of freedom at the same time if and when he passes - but I would not make it easy for him to have a car to use - once he passes the driving test he will be more motivated to earn money to buy a little runaround, and perhaps you could have an agreement whereby he pays x amount and you will top it up with £xyz to help him with insurance etc.
as i say, i'm not a parent, just imagining if i was in his position, what might motivate me a bit. hope it helps a little

RedBern

Mae, you have my sympathy!

My lad, at 16 was similar to yours - and thousands of others. Stopped his pocket money unless he tidied his bedroom, did a few chores etc. He would spend his dinner money on cigarettes so we gave him sandwiches which he didn't eat.... drove us both mad and caused no end of arguments.

However (and this is for information - not saying in your boy's case) he was smoking dope and had turned into a real dope! Matters came to a head when we found (from his little brother) that he was collecting dope for friends. Although he wasn't collecting any money he didn't see it as dealing - although I'm sure the courts would have done. We cracked down on him big time and read him the riot act. He had to come home to a strict curfew for a few months after that and regain our trust. My main point is this though - he had lost sight of the person he really was. Once he was off the dope and back to being the funny, clever sweet lad he really was, it was a real shock to all of us how low he had been. I suppose what I'm rambling on about is, if he is depressed, he's forgotten the 'real'him.

My advice (for what it's worth) is try to get off his back. Cut him some slack - if he doesn't want to shower that's up to him. However, he lives under your roof and by your rules, which include no internet after 11pm (we used to say we could hear the tap tap tapping and it was keeping us awake - and some of us have to get up for work in the morning!). Ask him to cook tea one night a week :eek: and he can do the dish of his choice - also be good prep for when he goes to uni.

and finally - my son is now at music college and the 'stuff' that used to get in the way of his 'A' levels (playing the guitar) is now, in his words "his work"!. He now has a reason for working hard and I'm as proud of him now as I've ever been. Ramble over! and good luck.