Would you withhold money from son?

mae

Hi all and thanks so much for al the replies.

I don't think he is depressed, although I will keep an open mind, as he is not sad he is quite happy being a lazy so and so and when he is asked to go anywhere with his friends he jumps at the chance and even showers :rolleyes: and spends ages straightening his hair!:cool:

As for college work he just does enough to pass, he needs to work if he is to get a decent grade but thinks even the lowest grade is good enough. I don't expect As at all just what he is capable of is good enough.
I have said to him if you are not going to take college seriously then leave and get a job and start paying me board I'm fine with that but he just arrogantly says 'no way I'm not leaving college'.

He isn't entitled to EMA. He has about £200 left from Christmas and £50 of wages (that he hasn't bothered to collect...typical) from when he worked New Years Eve... We 'made' him work New Yr Eve and he hasn't worked since. So he sees no need to work as he has that money and has no bills/expenses so its quite a lot of 'spare' money. This is why I have taken the money from the savings account temporarily. When I mention the help we have given or help we are thinking of giving (like the driving lessons, changing car etc) he says 'I'm not being funny but I didn't ask you to'. Says it all really I suppose.

He didn't bother to buy me, his dad or his sister a Christmas present even though he had money, I don't expect much but a box of chocolates would have been nice or any thought at all especially for his little sister who loves Christmas. We made a massive effort and put a lot of money and thought into his presents and he couldn't even keep his face straight on the day while having dinner at my mums he just kept saying 'I'm not well' but he didn't even try!!

As for bribing him to do college work he doesn't really want/need anything, I don't think, enough to be bribed. He is so laid back I think if I offered him a car he would say ok and if he still failed he wouldn't mind not getting the car???

He has such a tone in his voice when he speaks that he has me on the ceiling and I so need to get over that and ignore it, its just soooooo hard

If I showed him this thread he would say about the showering thing 'at least I wash my face and clean my teeth I'm not that bad'.... He stinks!!!!

There is always food available for packed lunches as my husband takes them but unless we 'made' him make them he would rather not eat!!! Aaaarrr. My husband used to make them for him but we found them in his bag not eaten a couple of times as he had bought himself a SubWay!! So my husband stopped obviously and said you may eat them if you stand there making them yourself, his reply was 'God it was only a couple of times that I didn't eat them!'

I am trying to ease up on 'making' him do things but then he doesn't do them??

I used to ban his lap top or tv in his room or his ipod until a few months ago but now he is 16 - 17 this year I have stopped this because I don't want him to feel I am taking all his control but now he is taking a mile?? Aaarrrr

You are probably all right its typical ignorant, selfish, no idea, arrogant etc etc etc 16 yr old behaviour but I am so scared of him ending up with no drive, no decent job, no money etc it would be so hard to watch but I know I need to take a step back.

Thanks again for all your replies its so good to read others peoples opinions on this. I think basically he has a point and so do we but I think we are more willing to meet half way than he is at the moment and I want to show him life doesn't work like that.

mountainofdebt

Perhaps one solution would be to stop nagging him regarding his washing habits etc and let him find out the hard way that you only have his best interests at heart?

I know that if someone tried to make do something at 16 (let alone now!) I would have done the exact opposite just to annoy them. His college friends will soon tell him that he smells !

However that doesn't mean you have to pay for the internet (if you don't want to!) etc

mae

Mountainof debt I completely agree about not saying anything about the washing that is what I want to do but when I walk past him and he stinks I see red, we didn't bring him like that we shower every day. He just can't be bothered until its really bad or he is going out... And I am getting wound up even typing about the showering :rotfl:

mae

What are peoples thoughts on me showing him this thread? Do you think it would help or make it more of an issue?

justontime

mae wrote: »

What are peoples thoughts on me showing him this thread? Do you think it would help or make it more of an issue?

I wouldn't show him. I do feel for you, I recognise the arrogance that makes your hands itch, and the 'couldn't give a damn' attitude that is almost impossible to ignore. However if he knows it is really getting to you he is likely to try more of the same. Chill a bit, or at least don't show him how annoyed you are. If he chooses to stink, ignore as much as possible. He has been brought up properly, he knows what is what, he is just making that difficult transition from dependence to independence - and he is testing the boundaries. I think your initial instincts were quite right, if he doesn't want to work cut back on his pocket money.

belfastgirl23

On the showering front, do you know any pretty girls who could turn up unexpectedly a couple of times? Might help do the trick...

Also I do think if he knows his behaviour is getting a rise out of you he'll keep it up if he's a typical teenager. Better to remove yourself completely from the situation or adopt a 'wotever' attitude. I know easily said

Finally if you are really worried about him having no drive you have to stop pushing him. Sorry to be blunt but by pushing him you are actually causing the situation you fear! Let him come to you about driving lessons, money etc, don't go to him. Chances are it's a phase but by reacting to it you might actually prolong it. It's probably sort of like the terrible twos all over again except that this time you probably have to let him run riot and then tame himself

And in the worst moments try to picture in your mind that one day he will probably be the father of a teenager doing much the same things and you will be around to watch it - that should calm you down and even bring a smile to your face.

frivolous_fay

maryotuam wrote: »

The important point is that she told me recently that I did the right thing. She said she had no concept of money until she had none and it was a great learning experience.

It's odd to read this... we never had regular pocket money in my family.... once in a while when mum was feeling flush we'd all get our age x 10p. (So, 15 years ago, I'd have got £1.50.... perhaps twice a year)

No shops to spend it in other than the sweetshop. Nothing to save for. Not worth saving, because who knew when the next payment would come? Sometimes I'd do a special chore that I *might* get a bit extra for. Any time we were permitted to look after the money we were given for a birthday, of course it would be spent on sweets or school lunches, and we'd get yelled at later when someone realised. (Oh, and hooked on sweeties because we were never bought any... forbidden fruit)

It took me a while to get to grips with what money was all about! I remember my teacher being aghast at the very idea of not giving regular pocket money :rotfl:

judyjetson

Sounds familiar! Actually our boy is 22, currently at uni and has a part-time job as well, but when he's got time off he has to be forced into the shower, and it's on the PS3 all day until goodness knows when (to be fair to him, only once his uni work is done), never seems hungry, but will buy junk food outside. I have to list the entire contents of the fridge and freezer to see if there's something he might want to eat, but if I were to offer a takeaway he'd suddenly be ravenous!

mae

Thanks everyone for your replies its really helped to get clarity and some perspective on it.

I will TRY my hardest not to rise to him. He has gone out tonight and I have told him he has to be in for 12 no later and have booked him a taxi for 11.45 (all funded by himself) and he was fine with that. He had loads of motivation tonight because he was going out so I still don't think he is depressed I just think he is lazy and not grasping the idea of you get what you work for in many areas of life and not just money wise.

I think when he runs out of money and when no driving lessons come his way and if i don't mention the issue of a provsional and his grades start to reflect his lack of input everything will dawn on him and he might pull his finger out. I can hope!!

But I won't give in on the money issue until I see his is willing to help himself too.

flower_72

It seems I am the only one to think differently about this.

His life at home must be very difficult for him. It would be for me. If I was in his shoes, the fact that you want to control everything about him would drive me absolutely mad. What he should do, not do. What he should eat, not eat. What he should have motivation for. Has anyone genuinely asked him what he likes and wants to do? Or tried to get to know him? He's clearly got a life outside the house (he gets ready, washes before he goes out with friends). Looks to me that he can be his own person outside.
That's how it was for me then and why I used to behaved just like your son. I felt like a prisoner, they were far to controlling.
I'm well over 30 now but I still loose the will to live when I visit my parents. It's as if they're taking my individuality away and expect me to fit into a rigid mould.