Would you withhold money from son?

maple41

Hi Mae

Recognise your issue immediately, DD was just the same. Suddenly she has realised that she has to work both at school for her A2s and in her part time job. It has taken her about 18 months to get through and come out the other side. Most of her friends at school have it too easy - cars, clothes, mobile phones etc bought for them by parents. She has now met another girl through her part time job who is also a student at Uni that has really opened her eyes. She is now working hard to get the grades as she has the offer from her first choice Uni to do the course she wants. Also working part time in local supermarket and baby sitting.
Parents should realise that giving everything to their children is not only spoiling them but not equiping them to face the harsh real world of money / debt.
Hope it helps.

BrandNewDay

I, too, thought "depression." His not bathing, neglecting to eat without prompting, and his inablity to stay on-topic when you're trying to discuss things with him were red flags to me. If he's truly depressed, withdrawing the money won't help him - he'll just be broke and depressed. However, I do think that you shouldn't support him financially when he's not even trying. Taking away the money may motivate him to log off the computer and shift his @$$ a bit. But, I'd still keep the possibility of depression in mind. If he's truly clinically depressed, then he will be unable to "just snap out of it" out of sheer willpower.

justontime

Much of what you describe is fairly typical teenage stuff, however he has to wise up a bit. He is living in your home and you are providing for him, so it is reasonable for you to set out certain rules and expectations. Be very clear about what he is required to do and what the sanctions are if he doesn't do it. If you remove his college money ensure that he has a packed lunch or the means to make one. I think it would be unwise to remove his bus fares unless you are willing to take him, you don't want to give him a reason to give up college! I have a daughter 19 at university and a daughter 16 in sixth form, both work and provide most of their own clothes and pay for socialising, etc., I pay for basic clothes and all the routine stuff. I also have a son a little younger, so I know about shower phobia etc! Personally I find that loss of the internet makes mine sit up and take notice, and restricting internet access would be my first action.

If this a marked change from your son's previous behaviour I would want to know why, is he worried about something? It is surprising what feels like a major issue to a 16 year old. Has he been dumped by a friend or girlfriend, is he struggling with his work, is he getting addicted to virtual games or something like that? Of course it could be a completely normal phase and he will grow out of it, boys are slower to mature than girls and the cleanliness thing tends to be everything or nothing! Make sure your son knows you are there to help or to talk if he needs you and keep reminding him that you love him even if you don't like certain aspects of his behaviour. Young people can be very hard on themselves and can feel worthless or rejected for what may seem fairly minor reasons. On the other hand they can make parents feel like total failures - been there many times! There are no rules, trust your instincts and do what you believe is best for your son.

cazziebo

From what you've said it sounds like normal teenage stuff to me. doesn't make it acceptable though and I think you're doing the right thing re the money.

I'd also consider the suspending the internet for a few days. I found that worked a treat with mine - amazing how that freed up their time to become more human! (Although that hurt me as well!)

DD1 was the same - even down to the not washing and wearing dirty clothes for days on end. You could smell her before you saw her! She is now immaculately dressed, pleasant, confident and popular. Now at uni studying the inside of the union bar so not completely 100% perfect!

Good luck - teenagers are bl**dy tough!

Primrose

I know it must feel hard for you but I do think you're on the right track and a little tough love when your son is in a supporting home environment won't do him any harm. He's nearly an adult but not quite, and wants to be independent but has neither the means or motivation to achieve this yet, so he's between a rock and a hard place. But he does need to understand certain basic requirements and commitments. Suggest you and your husband sit him down and have a serious discussion with him to try and see if he might be suffering from depression. If he's not, the mention of taking him to the doctor might jerk him out of his "attitude" problem. Don't deprive him of his bus fare to college or give him any excuse to "opt out" but I would forget the driving lessons and car for a while and make it clear that he has to start saving for the things he "wants" as opposed to having his basic needs provided. In two years time he will legally be an adult, so it's not too early for him to start getting into practice as to how he's will be expected to conduct himself.

weegie.geek

Sounds like me when I was that age. God, it sounds like me now.

I've had a lot of bother with depression and stuff, so I agree with the others that it's a definite possibility given those symptoms.

I'd be careful with the situation, because while he might just be a lazy sod, if there's even a small chance of there being mental health issues, you really don't want to make them worse, and you don't want to be "the enemy".

If it is a case of depression, you probably don't want to be forcing him to work AND do college. It can be a slog to do one or the other, and being made to do both could make his situation worse. College is way more important than a part-time job, so focus your efforts and encouragement there.

Have you actually confirmed with his lecturers that he's barely scraping by, or did you just suppose that? Depends what he's doing I guess, but if he's a fairly bright lad there might not BE any homework to do.

belfastgirl23

I agree with the others that it does all sound like fairly standard teenage stuff and is hopefully a phase he's going through.

I would sort of want to know what he's getting up to with the laptop. Is he secretive about it? Is it gaming or chatting to friends or just random surfing? Whatever it is he's putting it ahead of an awful lot of stuff.

In terms of college when you say he's just doing enough, is that just enough to pass or just enough to not get kicked out?

On the money front, I agree with the others that you should get a travelcard or whatever so that he can get to college and back and make sure there's enough in the house for packed lunches if necessary. I do agree that removing pocket money is a good idea but I'd be reluctant to do it in a 'pull your socks up young man' kind of way. I'd more likely say to him that he is an adult and that you'd always envisaged there'd be a time when he'd be earning and that this time is now. If he wants any money from you then it would be in return for chores (which would keep him away from the laptop and hopefully encourage him to be more part of the family).

Finally though I think you do really need to work hard on the being laid back and relaxed and I know how hard this is. But the trouble is once you start being shouty you have nowhere to go. And the more you shout the less he'll listen. Maybe you need to take the initiative and start treating him more as a grown up however much his behaviour might mitigate against it

going2die_rich

Simple. Tell him he is old enough to start paying board now. Then he'll have to work to pay it. I developed a work ethic (greed for money) when I started working, so maybe once he see's he's making a bit of money he might get motivated to make more.

going2die_rich

For college work to improve (if you can afford to), have you considered bribing him?

Possibly say if he gets particular grades and studies at home X number of hours a week at home (in your presence) you'll give him Y. Such as a holiday, money or something else you know he'd want... possibly driving lessons when he turns 17? Maybe for every 2 hours he studies you take him out for a lesson for an hour. Then once he's passed his test (if you can afford it) say you'll chip in so much for a car if he can raise the rest. Obviously have an amount set so he gets a decent car and doesn't get something that'll endanger his life.

I think after a year or two he'll grow up a bit more and bribing can end once he's at uni or working as he wont really have a choice but to work hard if he doesn't want to be thrown out/sacked.

vixarooni

Hes just going on the laptop because its fun. And hes probably looking at !!!!!! a fair amount.

The poor lad is 16, i think 16 is the worst age for a teenager, its like the climax of every emotion all at once. You feel awful most of the time. Its not fun at all!

I used to come home and cry, i wouldnt know if i was coming or going, i did the bare minimum at school, and it was only when i was in the second year of college at the age of 19 that i realised i have to try because this is my future. When youre 16 you dont fully get that part, its just stuff you have to do, not because you need to do it to get a decent job ect.

Im sure this is just a thing he is going through, all you can do is be there for him, show him you love him. Stability and security is what a 16 year old needs more than anything in the whole world. As long as i knew my mum was at home when i got in that was enough for me. He'll get through it, just gotta be there for him and push him.