Would you withhold money from son?

mae

Hi flower72 thank you for your perspective on this. I am sorry that is how your parents make you feel and I sincerely hope my son doesn't feel that bad about us underneath all of this tension at the moment we have always been very close.

I don't want to control him as you say and that is way I no longer ban his possessions coz he is now 16 and I allow him out whenever he wants with only conditions of being in on time etc which I think is fair as he is only 16 so I am still responsible for him.
I don't want to control WHAT he eats I would just like him to eat and not let the computer distract him so much he neglects his BASIC needs like eating and showering

I also don't think its unfair to expect him to work ONCE per week, he could work 2 or 3 evenings but I'm not asking for that much.

But I do appreciate what you are saying and this is why I posted on here to get peoples opinion so its never gets to the stage you are with your parents. I would be mortified if my son felt about me the way you feel about your parents and I will always try and keep a balance of wanting respect from him and respecting his feelings too.

bandraoi

I would say just stop.
Step back. Stop doing things for him and stop asking him to do stuff. It's difficult when you share a roof with someone, I know, but it seems to me he is desperate to assert his independence, even if it means cutting off his nose to spite his face.

You tell him to wash, so he doesn't
You tell him to eat, so he doesn't
You tell him to work, so he doesn't
You tell him to study, so he doesn't.

People will do whatever gets them attention, even if it gets them negative attention. You're giving him attention for what he doesn't do so he keeps doing it. Let him take the responsiblity and suffer the consequences.

Keeping_Motivated

Yes I agree step back is what you must do. You'll also save abit of money too so may be not all bad :rotfl:

ailuro2

I'm going for the Tough love, (or not letting your teens take the p!ss out of you), approach. It is for his own benefit,after all.

If everything was more like a hotel for him, and less like a prison as a previous poster suggested, where would he ever find the motivation to get off his butt and do something that allowed him to make his own choices, and be master of himself?

Many middle-aged couples who have earned THEIR freedom from looking after kids find that their offspring are still with them in the late twenties and thirties.:eek:
somtimes it's because they genuinely can't afford a place of their own- and other times its because they can't find alternative accomodation with a built in cook,maid,laundry and taxi service for £30 a week:p

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, I agree you should stop buying him things,doing things for him. Not because you're a prison warder, or even because it's your house and everyone has to follow your rules.:rolleyes:

Because- If he has no need to do college work at home, then he does have time left over to work. If he is a bit depressed, then getting out and meeting other people can help. Been there done that with the depression, knowing that I had to make an effort did help me to get out of the house. I~ do think he sounds like a typical teen, going through a rebellion and generally being a bit 'off' Don't tell him what to do, let him be the man he is growing into and find out how the other grown ups do things.
In a year he'll be allowed to take driving lessons- he could have the money saved up for an intensive course straight after his 17th and be the envy of his mates.

And finally- I'm dreading my wonderful daughter turning into a teen, I know it will be such a shock to us to lose the little angel she is at 9yo! One thing I hope I always remember- to try not to shout, no-one ever listens to what a shouting person has to say, if it's their normal volume level.;)

lynzpower

If I was in his shoes, being nagged about how much work or not I was doing, what or not I was eating, my own mother mithering in my personal affairs ( dont forget teenagers take thier apperarance v seriously - in word but maybe not always in deed!) moaning about me using the internet, to all intents, I would stay in my room, wait until they had naffed off to bed before raiding the fridge.

Why would anyone want to spend time with people who are always having a go at them?

My parents were totally the same, and although they TOTALLY meant well, what they were telling me I didnt want to hear, so I didnt. I either ignored them, stayed in my room, or went out and stayed out until I could bear to return to more mithering about my college work. I did perfectly well in my A levels, got into a top 10 uni, and all offers back from my UCAS choices. I knew I was going to be OK, so I didnt see ( and still dont, they havent changed much lol) what they were panicking over.

If I dont have a shower for 4 days, seriously, its no ones business but my own. Man I dont have showers for a week at all the festivals I go to!! and theres nothing depressive about me- Im usually having a whale of a time

fortynthrifty

Hi Mae,your thread was very heartfelt! my answer to you is yes. i have an eighteen yr old,who at sixteen started to do exactly the same. long story short after withholding all the same things as you i have now made him leave home!:o unfortunately his grandmother has involved herself now but i think that unless he is "homeless" he will continue to expect everyone else to provide for him:rolleyes:

mae

Thanks fortynthrifty and I am sorry that your situation has had to result in him leaving home I hope things turn around for you and him.

Lynzpower I see your point to a point! He is only 16 and I am still responsible for him so I feel I need to help teach him how real life is. He has always had it cushy we have always within reason been able to give him what he wants although I will say on his part he has never been greedy with what he wants. He lives in our home and I feel its reasonable for me to not like it when he smells when I walk past him and it is offensive.

Like I have said I don't expect him to work alot just enough to contribute to his own expenses.

The people who seem to have taken offence to how I am with my son seem to have problems with their parents so I am glad to have that feedback as I said before because we have always been a close family and that is not how I want my son and us to be once he comes through this stage.

Although I would like to know Lynzpower with the tone of your post should I let him stay on the computer til 4 in the morning every single night, hardly ever eat coz he's too lazy to move off his computer without prompting, never work and we pay for everything??? If he fails his exams (good chance if he doesn't put the work in) should I continue to support him when he struggles to get in uni or employment? And the while I continue to support him he would continue to not to take responsbility for himself hygiene wise, health wise and money wise Do you have children?

Just to note he has no chores to do except he does empty the dishwasher about 3 times a week (takes 5 mins) and I never ask or 'nag' him to do any. I am only shouting about things that I want him to do for himself not that I expect him to contribute to the house or the family, which now writing it is a whole other issue as I know some 16 year olds who are expected to contribute more to the running of the home but I never ever bring this issue up.

Surely there has to be a balance which is why I posted on here and why I have stopped banning things and why I let him out whenever he wants and leave him every night on his computer til I put my foot down at midnight!!

lynzpower

Although I would like to know Lynzpower with the tone of your post should I let him stay on the computer til 4 in the morning every single night, hardly ever eat coz he's too lazy to move off his computer without prompting, never work and we pay for everything??? If he fails his exams (good chance if he doesn't put the work in) should I continue to support him when he struggles to get in uni or employment? And the while I continue to support him he would continue to not to take responsbility for himself hygiene wise, health wise and money wise Do you have children?

No I dont but I was a social worker for a couple of years dealing with difficult teens and thier harrassed parents. I know how hard both teenagers/young adults and thier parents find it I should have said that you have my sympathies as its clearly a difficult position to be in for you

I personally think that if hes going to college, then thats something. Plenty of parents would give thier last quid to see thier kids doing something useful, so maybe just reiterate how proud you are of him he is doing something worthwhile. Do you think he might be struggling with A levels? when i did mine most of my peers and me too noted a huge difference in terms of how to manage it, in GCSE the sylabbus is spoonfed to you ( and theres the letts books to help along) whereas in some a levels it is wide open. Sometimes you simply do not know you have not done enough work until its too late. The other point is that maybe he isnt finding college that challenging? Is there any potential that he is using the internet late at night as he might be panicking over his studies? Is it that he is struggling to sleep?

You say that should you still continue to support him WHEN he fails to get into uni or employment. you simply are pre-empting his failiure as right about now, he hasnt yet failed. This is something that adults just do. My parents did it, so did thiers. "if you dont do XYZ, you will fail, then where will you be etc" IM not having a dig at you, i just thinik all adults have a tendency to do this, as obv when we are grown ups we have seen some people fail. We dont really see the likes of me and some of my mates who put in minimal amounts of work and still came out with Bs. IYSWIM.

But maybe its that approach. the WHEN he fails. Hun, he honestly, might not. Yes you might not see a great deal of activity, but I wouldnt presume that thats doing nothing. Do you have parents evenings at the college? What are his teachers saying about his performance/attendance etc. Maybe have a dig about there and see if there IS anything truly to be concerned about and if there IS then fine, but if theres NOT, then thats great

What you say and what he hears will be totally different things. You might say "if you dont work then youll end up unempoloyed" he might hear " they have no faith in me" this is the teenage mind. It is not as developed or rational as us as adults (!!!) as they are still having that hormoe adjustment and trying to figure out where in the world they can fit in.

I dont know your son, but there is every chance that he could be like other teenagers that feel
"im not into college, but im going there cos my mates are there"
"I dont want to work as Ive never really done it before and that worlds really a bit too grown up for me, its not something I really understand" ( eg application forms, tax, wages, contracts)
"I dont like being at home as my folks just have a go at me they are just fogies who dont ahve a clue" etc

If you dont think the reason he isnt showering because hes depressed, and theres plenty of soaps etc that are boyish enough, then what do YOU think is the reason why he isnt showering? Do you think that there is ANY potential he is hiding in his bedroom and not even going to the bathroom in case he walks into an argument? or is it something else?

Zazen999

Hi.

What exactly do you want him to actually do?

There's only one time in life when you can really kick back and that's when you are a student.

If he showered more, would that get you off his back? Don't you think that this just makes him mad every time you shout at him; so instead of doing it anyway you make him feel self-conscious about it and think that he is only doing it because you have shouted at him.

As long as he isn't smoking indoors, bringing friends home and partying until the early hours, taking drugs etc; I'd say he is as normal as they come. If he fails his exams he could blame you for not just leaving him alone during the student years. But, he has to learn things his way. If you have given him a cushy life why are you so surprised that he is still enjoying that life?

At that age, just let him get on with his life. Just ask him casually if he has finished in the bathroom when you know he hasn't been in - and let it go if he says 'yes' - he will soon learn that girls like a nice smelling boy! Involve him in more chores casually; ask him whether he wants x or y for dinner and let him choose; and remember there are more things going on in his head than food, showering and homework. If you really want to withhold money, then make letting him have some conditional on some things that you need him to do; and stick to it.

flower_72

mae wrote: »

The people who seem to have taken offence to how I am with my son seem to have problems with their parents so I am glad to have that feedback as I said before because we have always been a close family and that is not how I want my son and us to be once he comes through this stage.

Just to clarify a little point: i haven't got a problem wit my parents. None at all. I go and see them as often as I can (they live in a different country), I ring them every wee. And yes I respect and love them.
They have always cared about me, worry about me and therefore tried to control my life so that I would avoid all those bad things that could happen to me. All I could hear is nag nag nag, do this, do that. They did mean well but it had the oposite effect on me.
They haven't changed. They still mean well. Although with time my mum has backed off a bit and I myself know how to deal with it (ie get along with it safe in the knowledge that I'll come to my home and get my independance back)
But as a teenager... they were such a pain... It always sounded like they were having a go at me or at what could happen to me.
Not sure I'm explaining myself very well here. But to sum it up: great parents but right pain in the bum.;)