Help convince family

gilligansyle

this must be really hard for you and I really feel for you. Can you get the children on board more? When my son started secondary school, I had the child benefit paid into his bank account. He had that money to get to school and buy his dinners,anything left was his, if he overspent, then he was stuck. Can you do this with yours? Make it a competition for them.

You really do need professional help and counselling for your wife and yourself. Did you get bereavement counselling? Don't remember seeing that in your posts. I can relate to some of the problems you have as a friend of mine is bi-polar. When in what used to be called a manic phase, she spends, then gets a bill, hits a low when she realises what she's spent and then goes into another state of compulsively saving to make up for what she's spent.

Please try and get help.

PS Hopefully STP will be back up later in the week, more money in that than daily clicks!

gilligansyle

blue_monkey wrote: »

Hi Jim,

If shopping is getting you down then see if you can do it online for now (I find I spend less when I buy online too and no nagging as to what extra goes in the trolley).

BM x

Really good idea BM. You can't impulse buy and it makes you plan your meals better, so you can use things the following day.

Zebedee69

Big hugs baby!............. Im sure they will start to understand soon. Hopefully not too late though.

tesuhoha

If I might just add to what I was saying. There is a psychology to this. I am in the same situation where I have 100% control of the money and my OH is not really interested. He's aware of the situation and is very frugal but he's not interested in the debt payments, etc. I think the reason for this is that the person who controls the money is the one who gets the 'rewards'. That person decides how much, and what will be paid off etc. That person has the reward of seeing the debt going down when the cc bills come in and feels that they have been responsible for it. The other person does not have this and is just bored with living the frugal life.

Therefore if you show your wife the spreadsheets and say 'this is what we owe, looking at these figures, how much do you think we should pay off this month?' then when the cc bill comes in show her how much the debt has gone down and ask her how much to pay off next time, how can we raise more money to pay it off quicker. Then you can say look how much we've saved, how far we've come.' Give her access to the accounts without giving her control but let her think she has control of how much you're paying off. It might not work. I try to involve my OH in this but he is not interested.

lynzpower

tesuhoha wrote: »

Hi Norfolk Jim. I can see another solution to this but perhaps you won't like it. As you no doubt can see, a lot of people on here are obsessive about saving money, using old style methods of cooking, cleaning etc. I was wondering if you could introduce your wife to this site and if she has an obsessive nature, she might become hooked on moneysaving because it is addictive.

If you think that it would be dangerous then please dont do it but my thoughts are that if she is obsessive about moneysaving then you would find life easier with her support.

The only other thing I can think of is the shock tactic. Sit her down and tell her frankly what the situation is and that you cannot cope without her support. Tell her frankly that the family is on the brink of ruin and you feel under immense pressure and that you just cannot do it anymore. Show her the figures and the whole situation. Ask for her input on the financial solution without handing over control of the reins. I think she needs shocking into common sense. This is not always a bad thing. She seems to be sheltered from reality. Im not meaning to be nasty but often the harsh truth can turn someone around.

Do you know what, tes you took the words right out of my mouth.

I was home, with a physical illness that certainly took its strain on me emotioanlly. Honestly, i think the moneysaving really made me feel like i was contributing and I threw every shred of my being into moneysaving. I did the clicks, I sold on ebay, I shopped with vouchers, I took things back, did car boot sales, looked for things in charity shops to sell for more on ebay, cooked a weeks meals for 2 foer 20 quid and took moneysaving to the nth degree. Did bank charge claims, looked at whether the taxman owed me anything and all that.

I would not have changed from red to black if I had not had the time and to be truthful the emotional need to be constantly active and productive. Maybe her shopping can be a sign of that. My mother has a shopping problem, she buys things that no one needs and fits no one and has a houseful of "bargains" I think somewhere in there, she feels she is contributing to the wellbeing of the fmaily as the house is nice, theres plenty of everything, its nice to have nice things etc. my parents don thave financial problems, so shell never change as theres no real impetus to.

So I agree totally with what Tes suggests, maybe the community here will make her see that "tightness & going without" is not something weird or unusual or imposed, its actually can be a very positive choice, something that people choose even when they can afford to splash the cash on frippery. and there are plenty of us on here to learn from and relate to.

Again, therapy is ver useful here, do you think she is open to it?

superpup

Hi

I really feel for you. I agree with the majority that you both need some counselling of some kind. Your wife because of her illness but also you as you're so alone in this (apart from the support on here which is brilliant).

One small suggestion regarding the children... At the moment they don't seem to be seeing any consequences to their actions. Maybe if they have a fine on a library book, or have to have one replaced, you stop it out of their pocket money. Either stop their pocket money completely until it's covered what's owed, or just give them £1 a week until the fine/replacement is paid for.

I wish I could help more. You sound a lovely person and an amazing husband and father. Please don't feel bad about what other people think. You are trying so hard to hold things together for your family and that's what's important and there should be more people like you in the world.

sp x

wyebird

Hi there!

With the children you could maybe present it as an environmental things, as most kids of that age are really into being green i.e. turning things off, not wasting food and not buying things we don't need, using Freecycle and charity shops etc
Could you introduce your wife to the OS board? They are very friendly there and you just kind of get sucked into that way of thinking. Also it's a nice community especially important for someone who is at home all day. I've never seen anybody be judgemental about people's typing/English either...only their font size!
Does she have friends she meets regularly? I don't know enogh about OCD to make any helpful comments, but I do know that being bored can make you buy stuff, for something to do.

Good luck with everything x

aligerdie

I'm sending you a big hug (can't find the smiley for it though!)

I've just caught up with this thread from the other day, and the more I read, the more down you sound.

I know you say that the counselling you received before didn't really work, well please please try again, phone that number you've been given and try someone else. If that doesn't work, try again! It just needs the right sort of person to click with you both and the counselling will seem so much easier.

I really do think you should get yourself to the doctor too, you shouldn't be expected to cope like this. This is getting you down, and it will get to the point where you are so low you won't think rationally about things, and it will take you a long time to drag yourself back up again. Go for a less stressful job if that makes you feel better, but don't give up work because you think it might be easier at home like your friend. Your job is your haven from home, I know its not time to yourself, but its time away from your problems at home.

Can you not get your kids to help out with the daily clicks? perhaps their pocket money could be dependant on the amount they do? Harsh I know, but it would teach them to earn money, and take some strain off you.

Please remember to look after yourself, I hope that by posting on here, you can let some of your frustration out. Don't bottle it up, because that is the worst thing you can do.

Norfolk_Jim

Hi to all you helpful people here, especially all those who sent hugs and encouragement.
I tried yesterday to post an update on my situation here but when I tried to post it everything vanished into cyberspace and I didnt have the heart to type it all over again.
Anyway the gyst of it for any who are interested is that not long after my last posting on here I suffered a nervous breakdown and have been in the care of the mental health trust. Fortunately for me my employers have been brilliant and kept me on staff and I've recently started a phased return to work whereby I just go into work when I felt able and now I'm in full time but on light duties.
I just wanted to encourage those of you who visit these boards with the desire to help others to keep on helping people, I think you are great, you know who you are.
Things for me are probably worse now than in January - everyones in the same boat with gas, electric, food, petrol etc, and Mrs Jim really isnt any better so I still have the same troubles as before and the debt is bigger than ever.
With my medication though I really dont care:rotfl: .
Apparently my progress is really good and in a few months time I can come off medication and then the hard work really begins.
I had a really big fight with Mrs Jim this week over buying (or not buying) a garden seat. She just kept on nagging me what a great bargain it was and I kept on that we'll go bankrupt buying all these bargains! It doesnt matter what a bargain something is if you dont have the money for it!
I was also able to point a friend who was in trouble towards CCCS thanks to this board.
They are the only friend I have left. The stigma that comes with mental illness has really shocked me, everyone has deserted me except my wife, kids and this one friend - but my collegues at work have been great. pity its 25 miles away and I never see them socially.
Very lonely times these which is part of whats brought me back to this board where I've been lurking for a few weeks. So sorry to find that trolls have come to stay here - what a pain they are.

Bismarck

welcome back.

I can relate to the garden seat thing..how many times do you see something reduced that is not an essential that is just begging you to buy it!

take care!