Help convince family

Norfolk_Jim

HairyHandofDartmoor wrote: »

Your wife may be spending money because she is depressed. You sound like you could both do with some depression counselling! Is it possible that you could both get some counselling?

The children are just being children, they don't understand about money problems until they have their own finances to sort out, I think. They have a touching belief that their parents will always be able to fix everything!

I hope that you can sort this out with your wife as you are clearly struggling to cope.

All of you are so spot on in everything you say. I sometimes think as I go through lots of the posting on here, that theres a lot of really supportive helpful people who must be looking in on this board all day long looking for people to be helpful to. I dont think theres another forum anything like it anywhere else. I've made use of the advice I've read given to others and I think we would be in a terrible mess had I never found this site - and applied the information - so big pats on back to all you valuable people.

Yes depression - retail therapy - food therapy - its all there. We did have a lot of help after the pregnancy but it kind of gave us "Coping strategies" and moved on to more urgent cases. I do my very best to hold it together. The desire to run is strong but I'd never do that to my kids and I'm stubborn and traditional and very committed to my family. We always eat. The kids have clothes on their back, theres a roof of their head and when times are good they do get a little luxury, like Sky, and when they're not good these things go away, and I think its good for them to experience a little of both sides within reason. But yes, mum is the one they see the most of and kids live by example. I'm at work too many hours and then I'm spending night hours reviewing music on Slice the Pie so I can pay the wifes dentist bill - terrible teeth, they've cost a fortune. NHS used to pick up that bill then they brought in a rule about if you got more than £15000 a year you were no longer exempt. Thank God I took out insurance after that and its covered 75%, I have to do extras like STP to pay for the 25% as nothing in budget for that. We do have a budget, a balanced budget, but if anything is outside of the budget (Tyres, dentist, shoes, repair) then we have to get creative.

Norfolk_Jim

pania wrote: »

ok honey has your wife had any councelling or treatment for OCD?

This is going to sound sooo harsh and i hope to god i won't get told off for it, but have you seen the programme where the pretend bailiffs come in?
Drive them round to the lease salubrious estate you can think of, point a house out to them and say "we will be living there in 3 months, because if we don't manage to get some money together the house will be repossessed."
watch the reaction and see what they say, then take them home and sit down immediately and show them you pay slip. show them all the bills and how much this gives you spare each month. Then show them the card and catalogue bills and tell them to sit down for an hour and work out between them how to make it balance so you don't loose the house, walk away and leave them to it. See what their solutions are and then work out an allowance that you can give them each month and tell them that is their budget to handle.
Maybe print out martins teen cash class that may give you some ideas too.

Parents nag, it's a given, but if you show them that there is a real and genuine, scarey reason WHY you are doing this then that may well hit home.

Drop me a pm with whereabouts in norfolk you are, I may be able to suggest some things for your wife. Big hugs Jim. xxx

That sounds like a good idea, but they wont believe me, their whole life experience is that Jim'll fix it. Till the day he dont. PM on the way.

r.mac_2

can I ask - does your wife know that you do STP and click throughs etc for cash? Could she do any of these to take the pressure of you a bit?

you are right - its a great site

chevalier

You and your wife have suffered some of the worst life crises in past years. You have
nearly gone bankrupt
lost a child
your OH has become sterile - perhaps leading to issues like not feeling feminine of top of everything else
your OH and you have had to deal with the grief of losing a child whilst at the same time trying to be there for your two other children
your OH has an ongoing mental health problem that is not being treated

Anyone of the above would make some people cave in, but you and your OH have had to deal with all of these.

For this reason I think you BOTH should go for counselling, because you both have stuff to work through. Your OH needs to also get help with the OCD. Don't be fobbed off that it can't be treated, it can very successfully, but you have to be persistent about asking for help.

I agree with others about the catalogues but I would go one further. I would write to each catalogue company as it arrives and say that your OH has ordered the catalogue, but has no means to pay for anything as she has no money. Also put in the letter that you are giving them fair warning that you cannot pay any bill she racks up either, so to please not accept any orders from her/or from your address. I don't know if it will work, but at least then you may not get any more bills for this. Do this with enough catalogues and hopefully this supply of shopping will dry up.

Yes your OH is going to be hacked off, but then you can say well sorry, but I have been saying and saying that this spending MUST stop and you have ignored me, so I have had to take steps to stop the spending myself.

Your family will thank you in the end, but you know in your heart, that you HAVE to say NO NOW. And apart from anything else, hopefully it will teach your children to respect other people's property if they have to pay the fines for books themselves.....

One thing that my mum did with me, was at 12 she gave me the child benefit money for me. BUT out of that I had to buy everything except school uniform. So if I spent it on trash then I had no out of school clothes etc. It meant that I got good at saving etc too. The younger one is still a bit young for this approach.

Have you put up a SOA (statement of affairs)? If not then it may be worth getting one together so that we can see if there are any corners to be cut?

If you were really evil (sorry my devils tail is starting to show). I would put in an electricity meter, and then when the electric goes off in the middle of Corry or whatever, then you can point out that it wouldn't have happened if they had switched the lights off as they went out.

I am not really serious with the last one, but feeling a bit devilish....!
chev

Norfolk_Jim

r.mac wrote: »

can I ask - does your wife know that you do STP and click throughs etc for cash? Could she do any of these to take the pressure of you a bit?

you are right - its a great site

Yes, she knows, I'm up half the night doing it. I'd like her to do the clicks but you have to be careful with OCD or anything else that accomodate comopulsive behaviours. Looking at adverts isnt a good idea for her but I'm trying to find a way for that to maybe be worked in somehow carefully. STP isnt a good candidate for her as she can barely type and is not good with words.

My granny used to tell me that it was no good leading a blind horse to water if it didnt want to drink! As you can maybe tell, she came from Belfast. I'm going to make something to eat now. Lots of really good advice and I'm still hoping that someone who has had the same situation and did succeed in improving it will spot this and bring in some of their experience.

Yes, completely right about the kids. They are good kids. It has not been easy on them either.

To the poster you suggested the big gesture - yes, done that, effect 0. If we had no kids I think I'd risk actually leaving - but as I love my wife very much that would be one hell of a gamble to take, especially as much of the time I think maybe that things just dont register with her. Yet she is bright as a button in other areas of life and certainly isnt incapable of understanding and giving me some encouragement and support.

Catalogues are routinely thrown away - evil devils keep on posting them to us - the plop out of magazines & Newspapers etc. I do my best to bin them and she bins them to, but they cant be totally avoided. The worst ones are these ones in the post - even though I'm not meant to get junk mail or unsolicited phone calls.

Not relevant here but alongside the time we lost the last baby, wife was signed up to a mobile phone by some con artists and it developed into a nightmare with Orange persuing her for debts on a phone she never even had and it was like the straw that broke the camels back - but thats another story. After that I've done my best to prevent cold calls and unsolicited mail but it still happens.

RAS

Jim

You are in a very difficult situation without the support you need. So as a start, please get ask for help for yourself and make it plain to your GP et al that your problems are very much a result of your wife's un-treated OCD.

With respect to your wife, have you got any joint accounts? Are you linked financially in any way (include the mortgage here)? if so, can you remove any of those links?

always_amazed

Hey: (unfortunately!) have some experience of OCD; if your wife has it you'll have to have some sort of councelling with her, link here

The reason is is that the OCD in a relationship can become like a battle, and urging her to get councelling could end up with her deciding she will control that she will NEVER get councelling.
But a relationship councellor is a third party and might be able to show her the way.

You can't carry on like this, you can't be made to feel guilty that you are taking charge, but be unable to share the responsibility.

xxxx

aligerdie

hi,

i've just come across your thread and i just wanted to say good luck. It sounds like you've been through some traumatic times and I can't even begin to understand how you must cope.
We lost a baby in 2005, for a long while afterwards I was suffering denial and we got into serious money difficulties, simply because I didn't care about it anymore. We have started dealing with our debts, and although its hard, its satisfying we're paying them off now.

One thing i would say is definately explore the counselling option, for both of you. My husband was just as traumatised as i was, but was expected to hold it together and carry on regardless. You simply cannot do that, and what would happen now if you were ill? You sound like you're doing a sterling job, and i really hope that your family will come to realise that soon.

I'm sorry i can't suggest anything constructive, but good luck, i hope your family realise how lucky they are to have you.

r.mac_2

jim - you sound so desolate in your posts and I wish I could give you a hug, feed you biscuits and make you a cup of tea.

lets look at the positives to try and boost things:
you and your family have got through a lot together
you have recognised there is a problem and are actively looking to improve things
you have a family you love, and who I am sure love you back (even if it may not feel like it right now)
there are ways and means to help both your finances and your mental emotional state.

Have a mull over the posts on this thread and see what way forwards you can see. why not post and let us know what you plan on doing and we can support you in that.

hev_2

Hugs

Wish I could help.

Just to say, it is worth considering counselling/happy pills. You can not be expected to run on a broken leg, so don't expect to have the resources you need when you are struggling with all the pressure on your mind. Pills aren't always the answer, heaven knows, but taken under medical care for a short period they may give you a respite that you need. Be careful, they can slow down thinking speed, but they can really help when situation is desperate.

Also - I don't know if this will work, but have you considered asking your wife to leave you and the children? Tell her that childcare will cost less than her? Tell her that you need to protect the children? You will know the situation better, and I don't want to advise you to do something rash. What do her parents think?

If this is not suitable for you, ignore this silly old bat, and I hope all works out for you.