Help convince family

Norfolk_Jim

Sometimes I feel like 100% on my own in this battle. Does anyone have any advice or experience in convincing their spouse and kids that this is serious. I've tried everything I can think of with mine - Impassioned pleas- rational explanations - charts - showing them the computer programme - explaining till I'm blue in the face but they just carry on the same old way. I just cant seem to get them to comprehend that we are in trouble here and I need their support as a family. Everyday the spouse is asking for me to pay for non urgent things and they all just leave lights on and get catalogues and stuff and then bring the bill to me - just as if we had plenty of funds for discretionary spending. I cant understand why they think I'm spending hours sitting up at night and getting up early in the morning to do daily clicks and STP. I've even broken down in tears before them - sometimes I think I should just run away, far far away and in all this I feel so utterly alone. Thankfully we are not yet at the point of no return but its blindingly obvious that month and month we spend more than I earn and something has to change because we are routinely clocking up more and more debt. I think they just think I'm joking or want to ignore it. I'm doing everything I can think of to economise and I know I have to try and dent a not too big to dent credit card bill of 2500 before we get our tax credit adjusted sharply downwards in April. I can see the train coming but its like the family are having a piknik on the level crossing!
Surely some of you inspirations have had this too. What did you do to get the message over, inspire your family and get them on team? The task is hard without having the family effectively working against me in the background - and I'm really open, open book policy, with my wife and kids, but still they like rack up big bills at the library, lose the book and then want me to go pay the fine and replace the book like daddy will just sort everything out so its ok.
To be fair on them I've been here twice in the past and fought my way out of it, so I think they think they can just leave me to it and I'll do it again. They just dont understand that its always been me walking a tightrope of solvency and when your fuel bill goes up 15%, you petrol 15%, your council tax 10% and you pay 2% when you were just about holding it together, something has to give somewhere.
Wel rant over - I've learnt so much over the last few years visiting this board and I've applied most of your collective wisdom. I'm not yet in up to my neck like some here but its just a matter of time - How can I get my family to believe me?

RAS

Hi welcome. There are others struggling with this, so they can help you.

Skint_Catt

Hi Jim,

Firstly hugs to you. I can understand how frustrting it is.
Secondly, start refusing their bills. Make them realise that if they haven't got the money then neither have you. Are the children old enough to ern their own money? Then make sure they do!

I don't have much good advice, but I'm thinking of you. My OH is an ostrich too although my debt is my debt as we've only just moved in together so I don't care if he doesn't like my buying Tesco Values items as its my shopping budget I'm saving!

(Land_of)_Maz

Oh Jim, i really feel for you!! I don't know what you can do to get thru to them as you are already being more open, honest and truthfull with them than some parents/spouses ever are.

I can't say anything about the kids but i would've liked to think that your wife would be on-side with you! I think you need to site her down, explain to her that everything she wants is not going to happen and anything she receives is getting sent back.... Maybe get her on the forum or involved in the clicks, old school thread or something which will make the problem more real to her and give her purpose...

Incidentally, does your wife work?

Time for some tough love, see if you can get her light bulb on at least!!

I wish i had more advice but i know peeps will be along who have been thru similar to help.

RAS

Hi welcome. There are others struggling with this, so they can help you.

SarahNeedle1872

Norfolk_Jim wrote: »

Sometimes I feel like 100% on my own in this battle. Does anyone have any advice or experience in convincing their spouse and kids that this is serious. I've tried everything I can think of with mine - Impassioned pleas- rational explanations - charts - showing them the computer programme - explaining till I'm blue in the face but they just carry on the same old way. I just cant seem to get them to comprehend that we are in trouble here and I need their support as a family. Everyday the spouse is asking for me to pay for non urgent things and they all just leave lights on and get catalogues and stuff and then bring the bill to me - just as if we had plenty of funds for discretionary spending. I cant understand why they think I'm spending hours sitting up at night and getting up early in the morning to do daily clicks and STP. I've even broken down in tears before them - sometimes I think I should just run away, far far away and in all this I feel so utterly alone. Thankfully we are not yet at the point of no return but its blindingly obvious that month and month we spend more than I earn and something has to change because we are routinely clocking up more and more debt. I think they just think I'm joking or want to ignore it. I'm doing everything I can think of to economise and I know I have to try and dent a not too big to dent credit card bill of 2500 before we get our tax credit adjusted sharply downwards in April. I can see the train coming but its like the family are having a piknik on the level crossing!
Surely some of you inspirations have had this too. What did you do to get the message over, inspire your family and get them on team? The task is hard without having the family effectively working against me in the background - and I'm really open, open book policy, with my wife and kids, but still they like rack up big bills at the library, lose the book and then want me to go pay the fine and replace the book like daddy will just sort everything out so its ok.
To be fair on them I've been here twice in the past and fought my way out of it, so I think they think they can just leave me to it and I'll do it again. They just dont understand that its always been me walking a tightrope of solvency and when your fuel bill goes up 15%, you petrol 15%, your council tax 10% and you pay 2% when you were just about holding it together, something has to give somewhere.
Wel rant over - I've learnt so much over the last few years visiting this board and I've applied most of your collective wisdom. I'm not yet in up to my neck like some here but its just a matter of time - How can I get my family to believe me?

Hi Jim, sorry to hear about ur lack of support from ur family.... I know where ur coming form with the bills situation tho, OH thinks we're an endless pit of money sometimes!
With regards to the wife/kids, how does the money situation wrok in ir house? Is it joint finances, and do the kids get pocket money? How old are ur children btw?

You've definately found the right place to rant, and many of us are in a similar situation....

Sarah x

Norfolk_Jim

Well, I have tried just refusing to pay those bills but to be honest, the tales I read on here of debt agencies and things scare the bejabers out of me. If I wont pay then my wife nags me and just keeps on and on. Eventually she'll borrow the money somehow and then somewhere down the road I have to fix the problem that surfaces.
Now to be fair to my wife - its not really her fault. She has not been able to work for a lot of years now since a debilitating illness that began when we lost our last baby. We had always been a 1 wag traditional family but we had planned for her to work after the kids started school. We had dreams then that it would get better and better and it would be perfect forever. Then a string of miscarriages, and an emergency operation that cost us our much wanted last baby, after which she's sterile. So the depression set in for her and she got sick. The last couple of years she has been sd much better, has tried to get jobs but is always refused. We live in a fairly rural place and theres not a lot of work around these parts but she has tried and tried without success. Somedays she just cant work. So I dont blame her, but I blame myself for not being able to step up and be the hero in the family, somehow I just feel like everything is my fault.
We have always been a 1 income family and we live a fairly simple life. I always managed to give them a week in a caravan somewhere each year. This year I've told them we'll have a nice time going out from home rather than waste money on living in a box for 7 days in the rail. NLOL. They accepted it after a while.
What I'd really love would be for my wife to stand with me for once and just give me some support. I have sat down with her more times than I care to remember and gone through everything and shes assured me that she understands and will help me from now on. Then, later that day even, its just like we never had that chat - nothing changes.
You know, we have had our tough times in the past, tougher than now when we sat in the dark and came home to empty cupboards and lived on £2 a day with the threat of banktruptcy looming large (That was pre MSE days) and I dug down and worked harder and used everything within me and somehow by the grace of God got us up and out of the quagmire and you tell yourself your never going there again and just a couple of years later you find yourself sliduing down the familiar slippery slope and you can see the edge and your yelling out, throw me a rope honey I'm slipping over the edge... and theres no one there.
So, I just wondered if anyone else had a partner who wouldn't or couldn't see it, just didn't get it, and what finally won them over?
I think that perhaps because twice in the past I've rolled up the sleeves metaphorically and said to myself when the going gets tough... she has an expectation that it will be the same this time. Its my problem to fix, only this time I'm desperate to not have to face it on my own 'cos the thing just wont stay fixed!
Surely I'm not the only one who lives like this. I'm not the strong silent type, never have been,

just sitting here not quite knowing what to type. Wife is at dentist, Daughter sick upstairs. Called me back from work to collect her. My employers are very understanding but I think worried about me. Found me crying at the desk last week and want me to see a councillor. Workmates want me to go to the doctor - get happy pills. Never wanted to rely on drugs to keep going.

oh well.

bathgatebuyer

Jim, so sorry you're in the situation you're in. It sounds as if you've always been there for your family and that they almost imagine that you have a magic wand which can, and will, solve their financial worries.

However, I can't believe that you're family are letting you worry about this without giving you the support you need too. It sounds as if you've always provided, always bailed them out and helped them when needed, and now they come to expect it. I'd feel awful if any member of my family broke down in tears in front of me when I'd been asking for things all the time and expecting them to pay for it.

I suppose all you can do is say, "No" and absolutely mean it. That will probably lead to strops and silences and arguments (if your family is anything like mine!) I really feel for you and feel complete sympathy for you in trying to waken them up to the problems that they are contributing to. Within a family, everyone has their role to play and it sounds as if you're left to pick up the pieces of everyone's mess.

natters_2

My kids still seem to think it's ok to eat everything in the fridge/cupboard the day we go shopping, leave the lights on, leave their computers/tv's on when they go out - very frustrating, so I can sympathise.

Hubby was a complete ostrich - I started sorting out the debts, sent of soa's to everybody and sorted everything out myself "because you are so much better at that sort of thing" or "we have had these problems in the past and you have always managed to juggle things around and sort it out"

He still carried on spending like we had won the lottery - he has champagne tastes on value lemonade money.

He fnally came onboard when instead of dealing with all the phone calls from the DCA's I started handing the phone to him.

He is much better now than he was - but still thinks he can buy non essentials and makes it difficult to find money to pay the essentials.

SarahNeedle1872

I have to agree with Bategatebuyer.... for your own health and well being, you cannot continue on as you are.... NO is the only answer u can give, and it may cause some grief or nagging in the short term, but in the long run, you will hopefully show ur family that u aren't there to pick up after their mess.

Take Care

Sarah x

Norfolk_Jim

SarahNeedle1872 wrote: »

Hi Jim, sorry to hear about ur lack of support from ur family.... I know where ur coming form with the bills situation tho, OH thinks we're an endless pit of money sometimes!
With regards to the wife/kids, how does the money situation wrok in ir house? Is it joint finances, and do the kids get pocket money? How old are ur children btw?

You've definately found the right place to rant, and many of us are in a similar situation....

Sarah x

I have to control all of the money - makes me feel like an evil ogre and definitely is not a good set up 'cos like Dr Phil says, thats a parent child relationship and it aint healthy, kids rebel! , but needs must as my wife has a form of trauma induced OCD and if had access to bank would and has bought like 100 of the same item, like a garden gnome, seriously. Once got my e-bay password and bid on loads of rubbish - she cant help herself - but she is not stupid or anything, she knows what she is doing but cant help herself. We rely a lot on her now aging parents when I'm not here. But she is capable of understanding the situation. I give her a fixed sum each week which she can spend anyway she wants but she always manages to rack up debts with catalogues although I try to control it. I must look the evil control freak from hell to anyone who has not lived with this. So mostly I am the one who looks after our finances and people who know me are amazed with what I can do with a little - I've always been frugal.
Kids are 9 and 12. Great Kids but have their reasonable needs and their wants. Trouble is they do live what they see. I think the girl should be getting to the point of taking some responsibility but its a 1 sided thing.

P.s Kids do get pocket money £4 and £3 respectively.They can get an extra £1 if they need it by doing some housework. Obv food, clothes and reasonable requests are down to dad. A reasonable request is a school trip, a computer game if they've been very good of late or a small toy (matchbox car) for good performance at school. I sound teribble, very austere, but theres lots of hugs and play together and you cant buy that with money.