Help convince family

r.mac_2

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am sending you a big hug.

I think you should see that councillor your work suggested - it will give you some of your own time and someone who will listen. Once you are feeling stronger about things, perhaps you could suggest that your wife get involved too? I think that you aren't listening to each other properly, or rather not hearing each other.

Could you try giving your family responsibility for their own spending for a couple of months to see if they were in charge of their own budget whether their budgeting instincts would kick in.

ie wife given a amount, children given x amount. You pay the normal household bills - then you give them no more than that - up to them how and when they spend it? just a thought.

keep posting - its a great and supportive site and we are all here for each other x

Norfolk_Jim

bathgatebuyer wrote: »

Jim, so sorry you're in the situation you're in. It sounds as if you've always been there for your family and that they almost imagine that you have a magic wand which can, and will, solve their financial worries.

However, I can't believe that you're family are letting you worry about this without giving you the support you need too. It sounds as if you've always provided, always bailed them out and helped them when needed, and now they come to expect it. I'd feel awful if any member of my family broke down in tears in front of me when I'd been asking for things all the time and expecting them to pay for it.

I suppose all you can do is say, "No" and absolutely mean it. That will probably lead to strops and silences and arguments (if your family is anything like mine!) I really feel for you and feel complete sympathy for you in trying to waken them up to the problems that they are contributing to. Within a family, everyone has their role to play and it sounds as if you're left to pick up the pieces of everyone's mess.

Yep, I think you've got it in a nutshell.

Now how do I wake them up and get them to understand that we are meant to be a family unit and a team and were all part of the problem and were all part of the answer? Because they do seem to think dads just ranting again and why doesnt he get out his magic wand - I think they call it VISA - its an evil wand so I cut it up! Please dont let me be the only one who ever overcame this particukar difficulty,

lorac3

It sounds like you are the strong one and are 'looking after' everyone. Go round the house and chuck out all the catalogues so the temptation for OH is not there. Give your kids pocket money and explain that once it is spent that's it. You are going to have to be tuff with them.

greengrass

Hi Jim, You sound like a really lovely person, and I take my hat off to you for keeping it together for so long. But it is not fair on you, everybody must pull together, the children will only behave the way their mom is behaving so she has got to start setting an impression for them. Its like them against you, I should try and have a serious chat very soon.

HairyHandofDartmoor

Your wife may be spending money because she is depressed. You sound like you could both do with some depression counselling! Is it possible that you could both get some counselling?

The children are just being children, they don't understand about money problems until they have their own finances to sort out, I think. They have a touching belief that their parents will always be able to fix everything!

I hope that you can sort this out with your wife as you are clearly struggling to cope.

stapeley

Try getting them to read some of the POSTS on here ! That should do the trick !

pania

ok honey has your wife had any councelling or treatment for OCD?

This is going to sound sooo harsh and i hope to god i won't get told off for it, but have you seen the programme where the pretend bailiffs come in?
Drive them round to the lease salubrious estate you can think of, point a house out to them and say "we will be living there in 3 months, because if we don't manage to get some money together the house will be repossessed."
watch the reaction and see what they say, then take them home and sit down immediately and show them you pay slip. show them all the bills and how much this gives you spare each month. Then show them the card and catalogue bills and tell them to sit down for an hour and work out between them how to make it balance so you don't loose the house, walk away and leave them to it. See what their solutions are and then work out an allowance that you can give them each month and tell them that is their budget to handle.
Maybe print out martins teen cash class that may give you some ideas too.

Parents nag, it's a given, but if you show them that there is a real and genuine, scarey reason WHY you are doing this then that may well hit home.

Drop me a pm with whereabouts in norfolk you are, I may be able to suggest some things for your wife. Big hugs Jim. xxx

wydsiwyrg

Put your house on the market with a no sale/no fee EA. Have a few viewings. That should scare anyone into action.

belfastgirl23

I think you need counselling with your wife. I don't exactly think the kids are the problem, I think if you and your wife could present a united front they'd fall into place. Also they way they are acting (expecting dad to sort things out) is kind of reasonable for not-quite teenagers. But definitely not reasonable in a wife. It sounds to me like she is struggling a lot too and in her current state you are expecting too much of her (although for very very valid reasons since you have no one else to lean on). I think you'd have a hard time persuading her to get help alone so you need to get help together - if your work has recommended doing this then you have a starting point for saying this.

I also think though that you might have to make a grand gesture to shock your wife. I don't say this lightly, in fact I hate to say it. But sometimes it takes a huge shock to make someone face up to what's under their nose. If she refuses counselling then I think you might have to tell her that you can no longer live under this strain and that you are thinking about leaving. And really mean it. If you have been talking about it constantly then maybe it has become like background noise to her and you need to turn the volume up.

Good luck. It's a horrible situation to be in but don't forget that if you were (god forbid) to have a nervous breakdown your family would have to cope without you. So it's in their interests as well as yours to sort this out, however painful it might be short term.

splishsplash

Hi Jim,
You sound like you're in a rough place right now. You need all the help you can get. If your work is offering counselling, take it. You don't have to take tablets if you don't want to, no-one will force you. Talking would be good, though, and might help you.
The kids are the easiest to sort out. They are too young to understand your financial difficulties as a family - even the 12 year old, and also, I think, too young to be given the burden of trying. They are demanding, because that's their nature, but that doesn't mean much, really. They can certainly be given pocket money, and when it's gone, it's gone till the next pocket money day. No discussion, no exceptions, that's that. They will push and moan and throw tantrums, I bet, because it sounds like they eventually wear you down, and you give in, but if you're consistent, they'll learn.
Your wife is another story, though. I'm not sure what you can do. Is she receiving treatment for her psych problems? She should be. She's paying lip service to what you're saying, but not following through, so I would question how much real insight she has. (That sounds harsh, it's not meant to.) You may find you have to get outside help.
For now, you could return all catalogues, make sure you're not linked financially, and close all credit lines. Work in cash only for a couple of months, and see if that helps. Refuse to get involved in paying catalogue bills - return the goods ordered, and throw out the catalogues. Get her parents on board.
I hope you can get through this. Take help from all quarters. I wish you the best of luck.