Help convince family

Squiggly_Diddly

Yes, you should live in hope - or there would be nothing to live for. But in the meantime you need to take care of yourself as well Or you won't get there... If you don't tell someone you've got a problem, they can't help you - so go to the GP Don't, please, keep struggling on feeling like you have to deal with this on your own.

There is only so much pressure a person can take, eventually it will catch up with you. Perhaps the job change would be a good idea? You can have a less high-pressure job, but still be busy & occupied, while leaving yourself a little energy for when you go home...

Know what you mean about being no worse off - when it comes down to it, it's just money. As long as you can get a roof of some sorts over your head, food and clothing, the rest of it isn't quite so important. It's people who matter - and that includes you.

Just had another thought - are there any support groups (whether in person or online) you can get in touch with? Others who are in a similar position to you coping with partners with OCD?

carrottopsuk

RAS wrote: »

Jim

Re the mail. Get a stop put on the delivery of junk mail etc through the Mail Preference Service here http://www.mpsonline.org.uk/mpsr/.

It does not stop any catalogue that she has purchased from previously but you could do a general letter advising them that you will not pay and request that they do not send any further correspondence. Hard I know as I am still getting junk mail for the previous householder who died 12 years ago, despite having told the companies concerned repeatedly that he is dead.

I like this idea. I would write to/email all the catalogue companies you can think of (or find) with this letter and phrase it in such a way that you are expecting a response from them. If they agree, keep their responses in case you need them in the future. Ask them if it is possible to block any orders going to your address (if this is possible?? - I don't know would your wife have to agree/co-sign this?)

Does your wife put in catalogue orders through friends and relatives?

Good luck Jim :wave:

hypno06

Just seen this post for the first time and wanted to say Hello from another carrot-cruncher :cool:

Keep posting.....things will get better!

blue_monkey_2

Hi Jim,

I am sorry to hear of your wifes situation. For one reason or another I was in your wifes situation many years ago and I just used to buy anything, things for people who did not need it and the like, and just waste the cash I had on 'stuff' tht I did not need. In the end, through another reason, I went for counselling - and it was like a light had switched on inside me. It was so nice to be able to speak to someone who was not involved and did not judge me, but I thought spending money and having nice things was a cover for how I was feeling inside and it gave me something else to focus on I guess other than what I was feeling but I was the same as your wife. I want this, I would get it and then I would want/need something else.

I would suggest that you book an appointment with your doctor, you might be lucky in that your doctor has a counsellor come into the surgery (here they do) or they will make you an appointment with a counselling service, for me I felt better talking to a stranger, someone who understood but did not jusge me for what had happened. The thing with your wife and yourself, you will bot have things to say that you don't want the other to hear - but once you have the counselling it might give way to the fact you actually both feel the same but did not want to tell each other. Make an appointment to see your doctor (a different doctor in the practice if you feel this better) and explain the problems you both that and that you want you and her reffered to counselling. I say you need to tell the doc about your wife because her problems are also becoming your problems and they are part of the whole picture. I too have taken 'happy pills' for just a few weeks, they were enough to stop my mind spinning and get a different perspective, they help you sleep, something I doubt you are getting a lot of, so maybe it is time to 'take time out' of your worries inside your head and get some sleep and tackle everything with renewed invigour.

I am sorry I can't help with anything more practical on the money side, I would say that once you wife gets the help she needs it will stop her spending, the spending is a cover for her problems and you need to deal with those first, but we are going through a belt tightening period and it drives my nuts that my husband will put the immersion heater on and then leave it on for days, he turned all the heating on in the house 'as it was cold' but the heaters are upstairs and a) no-one is upstairs during the day so it is heating empty rooms and b) when you are asleep under a duvet do you really need the heating on full???? We have those electric radiators so I turn them all off when it turns mild. And then I have to walk around turning the lights off behind him, sometimes it is like living with a child so I can totally understand how you feel there. On top of the problems you have the little things drive you insane.

I hope everything works out OK for you all, the house selling thing, you need a HIPS pack now before you market it so probably not a good idea but maybe speak to the family about 'downsizing' (I assume you own your own house) and book some appointments and have a drive around smaller houses for sale at the weekend, LOL, might be a bit of a shocker if you can find something teeny tiny for the kids rooms. It'll give you a free day out as well

However, from my own perspective I think the only way your wife is going to appreciate you have a problem is by getting her to see someone as she is ill and mental health problems cannot be seen but are just as debilerating (sp?) as many other physical illnesses so please make sure she deals with this. Make yourself an appointment and go and explain yours and her problems, then make one for your wife with the same doctor, take her, put her in the doctors room, tell the doc what the problem is, and then walk out again and wait for her. Book a double appointment as it sounds like she is going to need it. At least then you have done all is possible to help her on the right path. She might not talk to you for a few weeks but sometimes this price to pay is better one than it might cost you a few months down the line.

I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck.

BM XX

MissKJ

Sounds like you are always trying to compensate for your wifes problems by wrapping her in cotton wool bailing her out. Perfectly understandable, but you need to look after yourself for their sake. MY hubby and kids are the same, spend spend spend. Everything I try to do is an uphill struggle. I haven't slept the last two nights, up at 4 in morning trying to think of what to do to improve situation. Told OH this morning (as I did yesterday) that I hadn't slept again for worrying. his reply? me too! He was snoring his head off all night. I said that isn't helpful. He says. I know. End of financial conversation!

It's constant battle. I wish i had the answers, but i have been "guilty" of always trying to give him what he wants due to his ill health. can't be done any more. I'm not getting any younger.

Norfolk_Jim

Just wanted to say thanks to all for reading and posting your advice. Very much appreciate the time you've taken to read through the thread and give your opinons. I would think it will take me a little while to reflect on the different ideas and avice. There is a tendency to resist new ideas, and I doubt I'm alone in this, and it takes time to accept them. It took several years of fiddling with wifes medications to reach the point where she could function in near normality. As long as she takes the medication she lives a near normal life - save the desire to aquire - and is rational and understands the issues, but lives and acts as if everything is ok and will just go away. As I've sad before, I've always fixed it in the past and I think thats what she believes will happen now. All I would really like would be for my partner to be my partner and give me the kind of support and encouragement that some of you here have. I note that several posters also have unsupportive partners but perhaps without any mitigating circumstances. We've not had any councelling in the last couple of years though we did before then and it wasn't especially helpful, but a Collegue who had a husband with MH problems passed me a telephone number for a support group in Norwich and I'm going to give them a try and see if they have anything to offer. Its just the sense of being on my own that is so hard to live with. I'm not unwilling to do more than my fair share because we live with our reality, and reality generally fair. I'm sitting here this am. going through my daily clicks and mrs wants me to go to town and buy item "X", and I'm saying "Dear, cant you see that theres nothing left right now to buy X with, would I really be sat here on my day off doing clicks to get 1p extra unless I was really desperate?" and her reply will be "Can I have it later then?" and I'll reply "Give me time to sort this current situation out, we dont really need X, the Y we already have is just fine" and she'll say, "Yes, OK, I'll get it later" but if a bookie out there will take my bet, I'll have £1 on her asking the exact same question in the exact same way before the hour is out. Any bookies out there want to take my money? That would be a real money spinner for me. I suggested we have yet another trawl through the house for e-bay , as very little that gets bought is actually needed and much is returned straight away, and the response is to start thinking what to spend the proceeds on, and I'm like "Dont forget we owe XYZ bank £2000 and our budget is going down in April and the Gas & electric are going up, we need to repay debt not spend more" - But I might as well talk to the carpet. Its not an easy way to live and I think any stranger making a snap judgement of me would think me a horrible man. I see them looking at me in the supermarket as we go around, because the longer i'm in there the more frazzled and upset I get saying, NO, No, No to endless requests that I feel any other decent husband would be saying, yeah, sure to. I can be reduced to tears in a supermarket and then I get loud, and then all these people look down their noses at me and I can just hear their thoughts "Look at that poor woman, what a horrible, horrible man that is, she could do so much better" and I'm thinking back " Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me, I know I'm not behaving as a good man should but I'm doing my best to hold it together for the sake of my family". Anyway - before anyone makers this blindingly obvious suggestion - I have again told the family that I'm going to be doing the shopping alone from now on as -white lie- I can drop in on the way home from work and save petrol that way. Its a solution but the downside is that its one more thing that makes me feel alone and like a single parent. I get up alone, I go to work, I come home, I often spend the night alone, now I'm out shopping alone - but needs must I suppose. So sorry to be the whining ninny while all you good folks use your valuable weekend to try and bring some insight and wisdom to bare on this. Does anyone ever get the feeling some things you cant fix so you just have to grin and get on with it. You can waste a whole life trying to fix the unfixable, and also, to be fair, you can waste a lot of time trying to help people who dont want to be helped.
Let me reflect on these things for a while - I'm off now to collect a setee someone is dumping. Its much better than the one we have which has become really dirty. Cheers.

Norfolk_Jim

MissKJ wrote: »

Sounds like you are always trying to compensate for your wifes problems by wrapping her in cotton wool bailing her out. Perfectly understandable, but you need to look after yourself for their sake. MY hubby and kids are the same, spend spend spend. Everything I try to do is an uphill struggle. I haven't slept the last two nights, up at 4 in morning trying to think of what to do to improve situation. Told OH this morning (as I did yesterday) that I hadn't slept again for worrying. his reply? me too! He was snoring his head off all night. I said that isn't helpful. He says. I know. End of financial conversation!

It's constant battle. I wish i had the answers, but i have been "guilty" of always trying to give him what he wants due to his ill health. can't be done any more. I'm not getting any younger.

I can appreciate where your coming from. Thanks for sharing. Perhaps some of the advice I've had will contain something helpful for you too

Mollymop5

Hi Jim I've just read your thread.Your reallygoing through it I can see.You've receved some great advice.How mature and responsible is your 12 year old.I'm only asking this as I have a ds of 14.Although we have alot of can I have, can i get? I have sat him down and explained that we live on a tight budget and he can't always have what others get.
Maybe you could explain things to your 12 year old in simple terms.Don't want to scare them.But if you explain your concerns andsay you need there help a little bit especially on the little things like overdue library books you may be surprised at their response.If you start with your older child then responsible behaviour could then be passed onto the younger one just through watching and learning.Take the 12 year old shopping with a calculator.Tell them you have a budget of £??? and need to get these essentials.Can they help you get the best bargains for your money.Make it into a kind of game.These are just my suggestions, feel free to ignore.I wish you well and really hope you take up the offer of counselling.

tesuhoha

Hi Norfolk Jim. I can see another solution to this but perhaps you won't like it. As you no doubt can see, a lot of people on here are obsessive about saving money, using old style methods of cooking, cleaning etc. I was wondering if you could introduce your wife to this site and if she has an obsessive nature, she might become hooked on moneysaving because it is addictive.

If you think that it would be dangerous then please dont do it but my thoughts are that if she is obsessive about moneysaving then you would find life easier with her support.

The only other thing I can think of is the shock tactic. Sit her down and tell her frankly what the situation is and that you cannot cope without her support. Tell her frankly that the family is on the brink of ruin and you feel under immense pressure and that you just cannot do it anymore. Show her the figures and the whole situation. Ask for her input on the financial solution without handing over control of the reins. I think she needs shocking into common sense. This is not always a bad thing. She seems to be sheltered from reality. Im not meaning to be nasty but often the harsh truth can turn someone around.

blue_monkey_2

Hi Jim,

It is good you are getting things down on here though - and it takes some of the burdern from your shoulders and that will help save keeping it spinning inside you head.

Can I make a few suggestions. First off, can you 'hide' any spare money and cut up any visa cards, debit card, store cards, etc... When you have paid all of your bills at the start of the month, bring x amount of cash into the house and tell everyone - this is all we have to live on for the month it is for food, milk, pocket money, etc... and we all have to spend this wisely, once it is gone there will be no more until next week. Divide X into 4 and leave one week in the house and put the other aside for the month (take the rest to work and put it in your desk where no-one can get it and spend it). Leave the amount for week one in the house - once it has gone it has gone and tell everyone this. If shopping is getting you down then see if you can do it online for now (I find I spend less when I buy online too and no nagging as to what extra goes in the trolley). I am saying this because if you have the other 3 weeks at work then no-one can get to it and you have it there for emergencies should it arise. Stress that the weekly money is for the dentist, pocket money, milk bill, etc.... If your wife has a debit card ask her for it and take it to work so she cannot have it, hide it somewhere whatever. The additional money you are getting on STP can be for extra treats if need be. But save some extra money each month so that you have it for emergencies such as school uniforms, shoes, trips. If you get TC paid into the bank take her to the bank and withdraw the money and figure this into your wekly money too. The questions you are going to have to deal with for now and that will not change for the time being, but having the money there in the house to pay for shopping etc... might help her to get a grasp on what is available to spend rather than seeing a piece of plastic to spend with, if someone asks for something go to the 'pot' once the pot is empty that is it and tell them that. Leave your own cards at work so they cannot be 'got at' tell them you have cut them up so we cannot overspend.

I regret that it is going to take a while for it to be accepted, if your wife buys something on the catalogue and has not money to pay for it then tell her she will have to pay for it herself as the situation is serious, tell her to go to the pot and get the money to pay for it - it will sonner or later work itself out. Maybe you need to put everything down in a letter and then give it to her and take it off her later. If she asks for the money an hour later then give her the letter again, and again, as needed. Explain to her that you love her and want the best for her but she needs to help as well and list down what you have to pay out and what will be happening in April and that the bills are going to increase. Having the letter might serve to keep on explaining each time, just give her the letter again when she mentions it. tell her if she wants to buy X then she needs to put money aside from the weekly pot to pay for it. If she can save the money then she can have it.

It might well force her into accepting the situation as it is, if there is no money for X or food then as a family you will deal with this (no-one has to starve as you have the spare money at work to fall back on) but you also need to tell friends and family of your situation and you have to tell them that they cannot lend money to your wife.

You mentioned your wife will borrow money - can I ask where she gets it from, is it dodgy lenders? Sorry for asking, I was not sure if this was what you meant, as you would want to avoid this, but I hope the above helps somewhat. Oh, the weekly allowance thing, put that down in a letter too and if she asks again why she only has x for the week you can then give her the breakdown on the piece of paper and walk away. You need this for your own sake too as you have explained, you can only keep on saying no so many time.

And stuff what everyone else thinks of you, if you are worried choose a nice quiet time to go shopping such as very late in the evening (you'll find all the reduced to clears for sale then).

I hope this helps, sorry if it is not much help, just trying to think of what is best and seeing just how much money is available might actually serve better than everyone asking for this that and the other. Don;t forget about your petrol/travelling money. Keep this at work, it should not be kept in the pot. Also work out electric, gas, car tax, insurance, at a higher rate than you pay now as this will enable you to start 'squirreling' some money away, like savings, for when you need it without anyone being any the wiser as it is you that pays the bills.

BM x