Absolute Despair - Can you guide me?

cazziebo

Yeah - I understand that. Moving the 200 miles home wasn't an option for me - my mother just wasn't a supportive person and would have just made things worse. I did have some very good friends (and some I didn't see for dust when I found myself on my own) and they got me through the tough times. (But bear in mind there are tough times for two parent families as well - it's not just you that's at fault, it's just difficult being a parent!)

hope you get some sleep

xx

Liquorice_Twirls

This must feel totally overwhelming for you just now. I guess your hormones are all over the place as well so no wonder you feel so upset.

It is late at night and I think the advice to rest is a good idea.

You seem to be facing practical and emotional problems just now and into the time around the birth of your baby. It's just like they're all piled up together and I wonder if it would help you to try and look at individual issues rather than seeing this huge pile of problems.

For instance you have an unmade cot which you could either choose a time to sort out or perhaps you've got a friend or colleague who might help. And even if it doesn't get made up, I bet you have a pram that the baby could sleep in for a while.

It sounds like you need to get some information about benefits you may be eligible to get. This might seem like "where do I start" but I wonder if you could have a look online or phone up the benefits advice line. Or is there a CAB nearby or maybe a friend you could confide in who would go with you to sort this out.

Undoubtedly being a single mother will be a massive challenge to you but it sounds like you are not getting much support from your partner at the moment. I don't know what sort of support network you have with friends and colleagues and now may not feel like the time to reach out to others, but if you could find any way, I believe that your friends will understand your situation and may be some (practical or emotional) support to you.

As mentioned before, your midwife and also your GP could be a source of real help and support, so don't forget about them. And often there are new mum groups to join or mother and baby groups, where you can have some adult conversation and maybe find some new friends.

It is scary to share how you're feeling with other people, but if you could confide at least some of the things that are going on with someone else, I believe this might help. After all it's scary anyway to face things on your own.

I really feel for you just now, and I hope that I can be an online support to you as well as others on this forum who I truly believe will be there for you too.

Take care xx

sarahlouise210

At the moment you are very emotional and worried about how you will cope - be reassured that you will..it may feel like a hard battle but you will come through. Financially you will probably be surprised at the extra money you will qualify for once you are a single parent - phone tax credits and let them know that you have have separated(assume you work 16 hours??) - your tax credits will increase dramatically. Once your baby is born they will increase again and will be higher for the first year of its life.
Your OH is being unreasonable beyond compare - perhaps it is in his culture if you are not from UK..but after he has behave the way he has and said he is leaving the house, there are not many of us that would have made his lunch !!! What a cheek! I hope you get some support from the church , you know that everyone is always here to talk to ! Good luck with your baby - the 3 of you will be fine!

Barbiegirl_2

Hi,

Thanks for your thoughts. It is certainly overwhelming when one thinks that I will be single parent of two children and one will be just a tiny baby .

I forgot to advise that I have briefly mentioned the problem to my GP and even though I feel like the most unluckiest person in the world he is not quite sure what we can about our problems other than to attend councelling.

Well, we didn't make it to Church for the past two weeks but on Sunday I will try and speak to our pastor. Perhaps he know of a stong man who would get the things I need out the garage and the loft. I'm clueless as how to build things but someone will know.

Besides feeling constantly tired and in a big black hole I hope it will all be okay in the end. The timing of it all just seems at the very wrong time. About to have the baby etc....

Thank you again.

Barbiegirl_2

Also as I will be getting maternity pay from February I will call Tax Credits today to see where I stand financially. We don't get them now but I will no doubt need them. A big worry is the mortgage payments that I will need to make which are more than maternity pay. The house cannot be sold due to a very hefty redemption penalty which is in place for another 5 years! He should pay child support so perhaps that and the maternity pay can cover the mortgage and we will have to manage on the tax credits until I go back to work. I have just read up about the council tax and it will be 25% less. £80.00 is still a lot for us....does anyone have any experience dealing with the council regarding the amount we have to pay? Realistically it's a huge chunk of money.......is it an option that it could be reduced to a little more so that we can afford to live?

JCD_Capulet

Barbiegirl, although I'm not a mother myself, I was born into a similar situation to the one you are in just now.
When my dad found out my mum was pregnant at 21 he upped and left, my mums family (and his family) disowned her because she brought shame to them, un married pregnant 21 year old indeed! My dad wanted me aborted and my mother stood her ground hence she recieved no support from him for the child he didnt want.

I'll not pretend growing up (for me anyway) was a bed of roses, it was damn hard sometimes. But I look up to my mum, she's a role model, my hero and saviour and she's got b@lls of steel for the things she's had to do to keep us both clothed and fed whilst she stood alone with no support at all. I've never met anyone who could take the shine off her.

Trust in the knowledge that your children will grow up knowing that their mother is their provider and protector. I know it's going to be hard untill you get on your feet and into a routine with the new little one and your eldest, but stand strong Barbiegirl because you're not alone and there are plenty of people on theese boards willing and able to offer advice and support as and when needed xx

Barbiegirl_2

JCD thanks for sharing your story-it did make me cry.. Your mom sounds wonderful. It's certainly the women's job to carry and care for the children all her life. I know that I do my best for my four year old. I tell her everday that I love her so much. Sometimes I think if I didn't have her who could I share my love with : ). So in many ways she's very special even though a little terror at times.

floss2

Barbiegirl, ask the Council if you can pay over 12months and not the usual 10months. Also, I would advise having a free half-hour with a solicitor about your situation re the house & mortgage.

Floss x

margaretclare

There's nothing I can say that will help, but.....I do feel for you and I send you my prayers and lots of hugs.

I grew up as the child of an unmarried mother in the days when it really wasn't the thing to be - the word 'b*stard' wasn't just a swear-word as it is now, it was what people called me to my face and in my hearing. No one worried about offending my 'basic human rights' or those of my mother!

Yes, children do speak the truth, and a child will often notice things when you don't think they are noticing anything. They notice atmosphere, body language etc although they may not be able to express what they notice. Just occasionally they do express it in words of one syllable, as your little girl has done.

Forget 'cultural differences' - that's rubbish. In your stage of pregnancy, with a child to care for already, any man who is a man at all would think of your needs first, would cherish you and care for you tenderly. I am lucky enough to have a man like that in my life and I know how much it means. You were not put on to this earth just to do his lunch. He hasn't lost the use of his hands, has he - he's a grown-up person, not a baby, and is perfectly capable of getting his own lunch, whatever his so-called 'culture' is.

You have been given lots of excellent advice already and I won't add to it. You'll be better off in all kinds of ways with this bloke out of your life. I just hope he doesn't go and foist himself on some other poor unsuspecting female!

With very best wishes

Margaret

merlinormartin

Have a look if Surestart is active in your area, they can help with grants, childcare and general advice http://www.surestart.gov.uk/

Also see if there is a childrens centre in your area, they offer wonderful activities for mother and babies its also a good way to built relatioships with people in the same situation as your self http://www.surestart.gov.uk/surestartservices/settings/fundedsettings/