WWYD? Request to loan in-laws money

Cubicsrube

You're going to have to be really blunt and absolute OP. At the moment you are throwing hypotheticals and 3rd party administrative barriers in his path (employer declaration, credit checks, etc).

He has already shown you that these don't carry any weight with him. He is choosing not to see the risks and concealing them from you. Whatever his family dynamics, they have produced a situation where his identity or status or self-esteem or whatever is totally dependent on the illusion that he is mr moneybags for the family. He is not willing to give that up.

What you need to put on the line is divorce. It seems you are trying to unilaterally force me to bankroll your parents' with our savings, equity or - even worse - debt. You are leaving me no option but to take unilateral steps to protect myself and our child by completely separating our finances. In legal terms this means divorce. It makes me sick to say this as I really don't want a divorce, so that should tell you how seriously I view the financial risk here.

Consult a lawyer asap to ensure you are ready to move swiftly and ringfence assets if you need to, before you lay this on the line.

Others will know better but may also be worth severing the tenancy on your house (so that you own your 50% of it outright) … I think you can do that unilaterally?

Titus_Wadd

OP, I'm just catching up with your thread and updates and just wanted to add my support. Sorry there's nothing practical I can offer.

It's always more complicated and nuanced than can be evaluated fully by strangers on a forum, but it's value is as much about providing sounding board for your own thoughts. I think you have had a clear line in the sand beyond which your DH shouldn't cross with out full consultation with you. It sounds as though that line continues to be crossed so don't get distracted by workarounds linked to your job and credit checks or mortgage funds being unilaterally drawn down. You dont want to only thwart the money-transfer, you want OH to understand why your opinion should be at the forefront. It feels as though you're at a tipping point, with a divorce ultimatum as the next card you play.

It's a huge emotional gamble, which is why it's one most of us put off too long. In my 1st marriage I should have played that hand sooner whilst the factors beyond our control ( other family member's decisions) hadn't gained momentum beyond our control. The ex complained he didn't see the Divorce card coming...if only he'd known sooner…yada yada. What I'm trying to say is, that mentioning the D word isn't you telling him you currently want a separate life, just that this jugonaut of dodgy/opaque decision-making, excluding your wishes, is rolling both of you towards a precipice. No one likes giving or receiving an ultimatum which is probably why we postpone it as long as possible.

That said, your family assets need to be ringfenced to protect them from your DH's misplaced loyalty to his folks. Unpicking an unholy mess of lending and unwanted joint property ownership during divorce will be tough and expensive. He should be putting your, his and your children's priorities first in my book.

Sea_Shell

How's it going? Have you reached any agreement?

@IWasHereBefote