Money Moral Dilemma: Do I keep paying extra for trains and hotels to see my friend who won't commit?

meknowalot-51

Friend?

Perhaps it's her way of politely telling you to go away,you seem to use the word,"friend",quite freely,what's your interpretation of the word?

When you leave school/collage or uni. and quite possibly get a job that you enjoy you meet other people.I left school in the mid 70's and had literally hundreds upon hundreds of friends.Then over the years those numbers dwindled massively,the reason for that is this(prepare yourself),i grew up.

Kelvin,do yourself a favour,save your time/money and move forward with someone more local who is more honest.

mlz1413

Being different ends of the country shouldn't be an issue if you both really want to see each other.

I have a friend who moved 4.5 hours north. She has kids and pets so normally I go to see her. But we make a date and it happens.

I agree with many on here that have said put the ball in her court and wait.

Or stick to video / phone calls so you can keep up to date.

I would definitely make the next meet up date for her to come to you.

heatherw_01

I have friends like this too!

I am the one that always is expected to get on expensive trains and pay for hotels to go to London from Yorkshire to see them.

Even though I am physically disabled, chronically ill, cannot work and don't have lots of money.

Ironically if I don't speak about it, they never suggest meeting up at all.

Friends like these aren't really friends.

If they were really a friend, they would either meet midway or negotiate. It shouldn't always be on one person.

lean&mean

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81879213#Comment_81879213

Absolutely, it’s honest and might change her ways. Different people have preferences about how far in advance they organise things, but if your ability to afford it depends on getting x weeks’ warning then you might have to use this approach.

middlewife

This is tricky as my daughter is like your friend. She can't forward plan to save her life. It's not personal, she also has a very limited income so paying for events a long time in the future is difficult. If you value the friendship then it maybe that the price you have to pay is to take control of booking in advance, knowing that you may lose money if the friend changes her mind. Only you know how valuable the friendship is to you ..

HorseWhisperer

I have two friends who behave like a bit like this in our university friendship group, but they behave this way for two very different reasons:

One operates very much on the periphery of our group, although she was very much in the centre of it at university. Since getting married, having kids, then moving to her husband's home town, she's created a very different life for herself. It very much centres around her kids and her new mummy friends. She very much tries to avoid the mass group meet ups as I think she finds them quite stressful - we are a group of friends with big personalities and the egos can get in the way of making true connection. But even if it's just one or two of us, she umms and aahhhs for ages and more often than not declines. We still invite her to everything, but are aware that she is likely to say no. I am happy to give her space to decide what she wants to do - it's her life and she can make her own choices. Some of the others can somethimes be a bit critical that she rarely joins in, which says more about them than her!

The other has a complicated background. Mental health issues mean that she is often broke, as she finds it hard to keep a job down. She's always the first to say yes to a meet-up, initiating many of them, but is often a "no show". Many a time we've had no response from her - she switches her phone off and goes offline, though she has never done this at a one-on-one meet up. When we were younger this behaviour resulted in a lot of criticism from members of our group, but as we've all grown older and wiser, she's started to share her background with us which has made us much more understanding of her behaviour. She sometimes has overwhelming feelings of shame when she has no money to participate, or she finds the whole situation very "charged" when we do meet up, and her cortisone/adrenaline levels go through the roof causing her to do or say silly things which result in tension or arguments. She's had a lot of therapy more recently and she is much more able to regulate her emotions than when she was younger, but there is still often a negative vibe by the end of the evening/weekend. She has shared more with me than the others so I am more understanding of what drives her behaviour, but I find one-on-one meet ups the easiest for both of us, and she is much more reliable this way.

I guess, what I am trying to say to the OP is - you never know what's going on in someone's life (or in their past) that makes them behave in certain ways. There can be many drivers that give many differing responses. Being "flaky" could be caused by very deep-seated feelings or beliefs, from fear of abandonment (mentally or physically, real or perceived) to emotional/physical neglect/abuse, or other mental health issues, such as (possibly undiagnosed) bi-polar or ADHD. Or just something more simple as that they live paycheck to paycheck and therefore cannot commit until they know that they have cash in the bank that is not needed for something more important.

As a friend you cannot influence any of their behaviours, and you do just have to "suck it up" if you want to remain their friend. What you can do, to help your relationship go more smoothly, and for you to be less frustrated by their behaviour, is to let them know that, if they need someone to listen, you are there for them. You can reassure them them that they can trust you and that you will not judge what they say or do. This way you can be more open with each other and you may get an insight into why they behave in such a way. It's by no means a quick fix and it may take years for you both find a level, but hopefully it will deepen your friendship in the long run.

HorseWhisperer

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81879395#Comment_81879395

And, of course, they may not know if this applies or not, as the "flake" may feel too much shame to admit to their situation. Offering them a listening ear may lead them to better understanding and a deeper friendship.

HorseWhisperer

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81879430#Comment_81879430

Absolutely agree. They may not be able to explain their behaviour due to shame. It's better to give someone the benefit of the doubt and be there for them if they need you.

HorseWhisperer

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81879257#Comment_81879257

Not contraversial at all, and is very likely that they need support. Many people feel shame asking for support. A true friend can offer to listen without judgement.

Free2feelgud

Maybe say something along the lines of “I’ve realised the rising prices are stressing me out a bit, so I’m going to start booking trips on a set date to keep costs down.I’ll suggest a plan and book it on [date]. If you can join, great — if not we’ll catch up another time “😊