Money Moral Dilemma: Do I keep paying extra for trains and hotels to see my friend who won't commit?

jimbob6775

I would suggest dumping her.

Jemma01

I suspect your friend might be similar to me

1) I'm the one who's always travelling to see them, they never come to see me. I'm fine with that because I can't stand organising the get together, if I do it, I have to decide where we eat and where we wonder during the day, and I'm a homie, I don't know good places cuz I'm rarely out. I'm willing to pay for my peace of mind (they'd rather not come, so win win)

2) I'm the sort of person who hates agreeing in advance to any gatherings because you just never know, and I find thinking about it draining. I'd rather my friends message me a week before, but a whole month in advance is too much. I hate to cancel on ppl (I don't!).

Your personalities are clearly different, you don't have to accept how she handles things, but really you can't force her to change either. I had a friend similar to you, he vanished for two years, and then returned after he accepted that I was who i am. We hardly meet up now but we message semi daily.

RickyAH

I had a friend, so I thought, who invited me to their house regularly, but never came to mine. Turns out they were trying out their place to become a B+B, so as soon as they had it sorted, no invites, the friendship was lost. Now completely cut off. Don't even get an Xmas card from them, so I've stopped sending them one now. You live and learn.

Pollycat

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6654741/money-moral-dilemma-do-i-keep-paying-extra-for-trains-and-hotels-to-see-my-friend-who-won-039-t-commit

I'd do neither.

If you've explained the reason you want to book travel early and she still doesn't commit or suggest alternatives, I'd dump her.

Friendship is a 2 way thing.

Nobody should always be the one to initiate contact.

ButterCheese

Freindship is a 2 way street. If one party won't bother to put themselves out, either time-wise or money-wise then they do not value the freindship as much as you do. I had a similar situation, where my friend moved up north. Even when I was going up there anyway and said I'd call in, they didn't even bother replying to me. So now I've written it off as a failed friendship. Not bitter, not negative, but that's sometimes how it goes.

If the friend asks you why you're not willing to meet up again, just say it's because you can't afford it

Mizzter

Sorry if someone already suggested this as its pretty obvious.
Just hand over the responsibility for the plans to the friend. Give some conditions like expenses should cost about "this" amount if booked sensibly in advance. If its anymore than that sort of amount please keep looking.

They are the one that cant commit to plans, they are the hold up.
So they get to to make the plans that work with their awkwardness.
They will either find it hard to keep within set budget guides unless they plan better, hopefully this gives them a wake up call about how unfair they have been.
Or they wont make the effort to plan anything, in which case you know they dont value you.

Friendship has to be two way, you cant be putting in all the effort, paying extra, providing the motivation and they just flip flop around. Nothing is ever really totally equal, good friends help cover each others weak points like poor organisational skills etc. But if the real issue is they cant be bothered and are waiting for better offers… that's a lack of respect n effort which cant be fixed.

Nelliegrace

I think that a phone call or two would be cheaper than a visit.
It sounds as if the person doesn’t commit because they are hoping something better than your visit will turn up. Treat yourself to a break instead.

JayD

Do you enjoy the time you spend with this friend when you meet up?

Are you both happy and relaxed in each other's company?

If so, then you have to tell her firmly that you can only come to these midpoint meets ups if they are times that coincide with cheap travel and suggest that she makes those arrangements in future as the times you pick are rarely convenient to her. Then wait and let her do the arranging - and if necessary, if they prove too expensive, YOU be the one to challenge the dates and times.

ZeroSum

Both me & wife have had friends like this is the past whereby we were the ones doing the running around. Throw the ball back in their court & say, OK let me know when youre free, and then never heard from them since. Friendship is a 2 way thing. If theyre unwilling to make arrangements, then just stop bothering with them.

PostHoc25

I went through something similar when I relocated several years ago. A dear friend (or so I thought) made one visit to see my new place. We are a one and half hour train journey apart. After that, I could only get her to meet up if it was far closer to her.

After a few months of trying, I sent an email asking if she still wanted to meet up as it wasn't that she couldn't make the dates I suggested, more that she didn't get back to me with alternatives.

Her reply was that she was really busy all the time.

So, I took the L and realised that I was exerting way too much effort for little back. When we had lived half an hour away from each other, she had never been that busy and we met up several times a month. Ten years of friendship just faded, she stopped emailing/calling and sadly I had to stop 'pestering' her, because that is what I felt like I was doing when she couldn't commit.

I think some people jusy struggle to exert themselves for friendships sadly, and can only cope when everything comes to them.