Money Moral Dilemma: Do I keep paying extra for trains and hotels to see my friend who won't commit?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks…

I live in the south and have a friend who lives in the north. I suggest dates and mid-point meet-ups early so we can bag cheap trains and hotels. But she takes ages to commit or suggests alternatives, so by the time we book, it costs more. I’ve paid up till now as I’m happy to see her and accept we have different personalities. I’m starting to feel resentful though, as it keeps happening, even after I’ve explained the financial implications delaying has on me. Do I ask her to cover the extra, or accept paying more is the price of staying friends?

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El_Torro

I think it's fine to highlight the issue as you see it. Be polite but do explain the financial cost it is having on you.

Ultimately though if your friend doesn't change their ways then I would just accept it's in their character and either continue to pay the extra cost or see them less often / not at all.

Rosa_Damascena

Select a location that you would be happy independently of this flaky friend and have a plan to have enjoy it with or without her. If the costs are prohibitive or you're reluctant to spend time alone, then have a Plan B friend local to you as a reserve option.

CapeTown

Suggest something near you... you can get there very quickly and she will have to pay more. If you phrase it like "you come to me this time and next time I come to you". That way it is fairer. If she is a good friend she won't mind.

CannySaver1

El_Torro's post encapsulates it perfectly.

I would go even further and ask you to consider in the first instance are you really compatible with your friend? If your answer is no, then end the friendship.

Marineboy81

this feels like a control issue as much as a money one. I wouldn’t want to be messed around by a friend regardless of the additional financial issues. Nevertheless, maybe she has issues with how you like to be so organised and this is her way of regaining her control. Sounds like time for an honest conversation

keithyno.1

If maintaining a friendship is causing a drain on your finances then I think you seriously need to consider if it's worth continuing with it.

But do you and your friend HAVE to physically meet up each time though (assuming there's nothing 'physical' about the relationship)? It's so easy to keep in touch these days by video calling via WhatsApp, FaceTime, Instagram etc.

If your friend insists on actually meeting up with you but won't commit to keeping the cost as reasonable as possible then I think it's time to just let the friendship go.

Missy15

In my experience "friends" who take a long time to commit, or say such things like, well I am not sure what I am doing then, are not really interested in meeting up with you, or going where you want to go.

They only do so if nothing better ( in their mind) has presented itself nearer the time.

I would give up suggesting meeting up, and let them suggest something next time, and see what happens, and then decide how you want to react to their ideas

2702

No do not bother asking her anything. Get a new friend that stays closer.

Seakay

Next time they take so long to commit that the prices have gone up, either say "sorry, I can't afford it now, never mind let me know when you are next available to meet, I'll only need (number of weeks) notice" or, if you prefer, "sorry, I thought you'd decided against and now I'm booked. Never mind, let me know when you can make it next, I'll need (number of weeks) notice".

You should know pretty quickly if you are someone they want to stay in face to face touch with, or if they felt that they were in some way "doing you a favour"

Mika45

I have a friend who does this. I make it into an ‘us’ situation to set a boundary as in, ‘If we get this now it’s only £x but obviously if we wait it will most likely cost us more. Do you want me to book?’ Pushing the onus onto your friend to pay their share whatever the price should help concentrate the mind.

For ‘alternative suggestions’ suggest your friend checks them out for comparison to the deal you found and to let you know. I find we end up booking the original deal because they can’t be bothered with the faff of looking for a better one. If nothing comes of either of these approaches I would question the strength of the friendship.