2026: time to face facts and plan for the hard times ahead

SpireCaptain · 19 January at 10:08PM

Working_Mum said:

Hey SpireCaptain
Have you thought about having the conversation with the tenant about actually buying the property??

I don't want to sound harsh but I read your posts I can't see much action being taken to actually improve your situation. Even if you are doing things which remove one option or another that is at least moving things forward and gives you better clarity about the actual choices available to you..

Living in your rental, whilst self managing a DMP would keep you stable for a few years without having to worry about applying for new mortgages / rents etc etc. There is a compromise on the water front for your van BUT this is manageable and from a position of having disposal income from your earnings.

I'd hate you to be in a this position is 3 months time as I think your MH will be shot. Your relationship is corrosive to your soul and she is treating you very badly - it is evident there is zero sign she wants to work with you or support you in any way to move things on. To be honest she seems perfectly happy living her life the way she is doing - without any regard to you and the impact of her actions on you.

The only way your situation will change is if you make change happen - this can be at your speed in a planned way or potentially in a much more challenging way if you don't seize a bit of control whilst you still have options and a good credit file.

Keep posting as I think it is helping you clarify some of your thoughts and you've had some great advice from people here which you could take forward.

I hope you've earned a good days wage now your van is back and that you've spent some quality time with your boys.

Sending you peace.

((WM))

Hi WM, thank you so much for the clarity in your post.

I've not actually had that conversation with the tenant yet, me being a coward to be truthful. I need to ring her and test the water, but I don't want to leave myself open if I have to send it in writing. I need to ask on a landlord forum I'm on. She asked for the deposit back to buy half of the new kitchen worktops she asked to install which I gave her. She's so settled in there and treats it as her home. Even if I got the money back that I bought it for it would be one less liability and free up some cash.

I've sent my sister some information about Guarantor mortgages. I believe I would need to offer OH £91,500 approx to buy her out. But that would mean Mum or sister getting on the mortgage to bring affordability down with my debt level. I'm not sure if that's feasible. I didn't ring Mum tonight as she's Bellringing and I didn't want her whittling when she's off to bed so I'll ring her and let her know we're splitting up tomorrow coffee time.

You're right I have carried on my inaction these past few weeks. It's going to take a lot to break this habit of burying my head and not seeing any positives being in so deep.

I changed my Will on Friday, made my sister Executor and left the boys all my proceeds now. That's £150 plus VAT but if it last 10 years like the last one it'll be ok.

I had 4 good days at work- Saturday included and also today so feeling better. If I could have 20 days a month like that I wouldn't be in such a pickle.

DS1 refused a hair cut the other day so just took the twins. Paid with the scrap metal money. OH had her daughter and 3 grandkids round on Thursday for fish and chips tea but I made my excuses and had a sandwich so that she paid for the extra mouths to feed. Sounds harsh written down but it's offering to buy everyone else things that means I make no headway in paying down balances.

If Mum can't help with finances, it'll be sell up and look to rent and DMP

I asked OH what her plans for this year was and she said to have this house sold and her to buy a house to protect her deposit and not fritter it away renting. She's going to go back full time to secure a mortgage so will mean school hols will be a bit more shared. As it stands I'd work and she'd have more days off than I would.

SpireCaptain · 19 January at 10:11PM

beanielou said:

Also have been thinking about you.
Have you spoken to Christians Against Poverty.
They help with debt and practical assistance.
It would help you to have someone for you to chat to. You do not have to be a christian to use them. I have heard of them.
Take care of yourself 🤗

Thank you Beanielou, I've had a look on their website before I went to CAB. Unfortunately they didn't have offices that covered my area. I can always give them a ring to see if they offer phone call chats.

I'll ring Business Debt Line too, but reading on here and elsewhere as I'm a sole trader, all the debts are just treated as unsecured personal debts so standard advice applies.

Hope you're well.

SpireCaptain · 19 January at 10:21PM

mumtoomany said:

Morning, @SpireCaptain. Hope you're well and work is going OK again now.

I have read through all the sage advice of the last few posts. And I must say i agree totally. One thing to add. In twenty or thirty years time, when you look back, will you be saying "I wish I'd stuck it out longer, the debt, the sofa sleeping, the lack of communication, etc" or "I'm so glad I got out when I did, even though it was a tough decision at the time" ? Remember you have only one life.

Hope you find resolution soon, hugs, mumtoomany.xx

I know you speak the truth, and putting it like that the choice is obvious. OH 6 years ago said we should split now whilst they're still young and won't remember, but I clambered on making do and mending not realising the stress it's having on both of us.

A fresh start, the boys happy, healthy and educated, a bank balance sheet at £0, secure in the knowledge of where I'm living for the foreseeable sounds bliss at the moment. Something to aspire to.

The boys being happy, healthy and educated is the only things that's currently happening and going to plan. I can see how to get the balance sheet to £0 by following SMP. It's the housing I need some kind of LBM. I think Mum might be the key.

2 years ago she was all willing to come up and look at houses with me and see a solicitor but 2 weeks later I said I can change, admit I put my family first at the beginning 20 years ago and make OH happy so I thought we were ok, delaying the inevitable. Now I've got to tell Mum it's actually actually finally once and for all over. Rather sheepishly, no tears this time.

I have no tears left, just anxiety from debt. The last 3 nights have been awful tossing and turning and waking up at 4am, 5 am then waiting for the alarm.

Thanks for checking in MTM.

SpireCaptain · 19 January at 10:32PM

MayDogsandCoffee said:

I am slightly astounded that she has had £17 for wine when school dinners need paying for. As others are saying I think you need to sort an action plan for next 6 months, one year and then beyond but really concentrate on this first 6 months. Decide where you are going to live, if you are selling the house get it on the market, have chats with a couple of estate agents about value of both properties, and maybe which would sell faster, sound out your tenant, you could knock off the price of agents if going for a private sale with them. Once you are living in separate accommodation do you intend to have custody of the boys, you need to consider the options and how the logistics of that would work. You shouldn't be sleeping for so long on a sofa, it is damaging to your health so try and get a single bed in somewhere, even if it means her giving up some space. I a bit of a cynic and thinking she is hoping you leave so she gets to stay in the house long term without picking up bills. You don't need to respond to some of the questions I have posed, they are just for you to consider. Get help with that action plan from either family or citizens advice or have you heard of https://andysmanclub.co.uk/ maybe check in with them for a session and get some support that way.

Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I think there's actually an andyamanclub held locally from what I've seen so that's a good shout thank you.

A customer also runs a men's Lego club in the village for MH support and every couple of cleans he keeps saying come down if you like as I've told him about the debt but not the relationship. I keep making excuses about having to take the boys to cricket or rugby that night.

3, 6 and year + plans are great ideas. There's at least 3 houses on our road and adjoining roads up for sale at the same time so plenty to mull over with Mum. If she and her sister are looking for another BTL with my deposit from this house sale, that would be ideal. A massive ask but prices so much cheaper up here to where they usually buy BTL so it maybe an investment for them for 10 years whilst I DMP and then look to buy them out.

The rental I have is Non standard construction but with brick cladding, it's mortgageable and valued at 105k. I bought it for 83kin 2015 but it's got a 63k mortgage. I would offer her perhaps 85k/90k just to sweeten the deal for her as she could sell it and make a profit or hopefully that's within her price range. She knows a few landlords so maybe it could be sold with her a sitting tenant. Would need legalities looking into.

SpireCaptain · 19 January at 10:49PM

Purplelady65 said:

I have read all your posts and it comes across that you are really doing your best for your boys which is great. However it also comes across that your OH is controlling you and expects you to do her bidding. I wonder if that’s because you were very young when you met her and she was a lot older than you that she made all the decisions and you just fell in line? Has she always made the decisions and told you what you are or not doing?

I don’t think you have a clear plan of what you need or want to do yet so I agree with OPs you need to make some decisions and then put an action plan together. Are there friends and family you could talk through your ideas with? It also sounds there is a risk that if you leave the property the OH will not make any effort to sell the house and you will still end up paying for things as your name will still be on the mortgage and you won’t want to end up in arrears.

I agree with others that you shouldn’t be sleeping on the sofa. It sounds a very stressful living environment so the sooner you can get a plan together and action it the better. Also your thought of giving your mum some money for her to buy a house and then you rent it off her probably isn’t the best idea. I think you said your mum already owns a house so a second house would be liable to capital gains tax. Also you said your mum is 70 years old and a widow. If she needed care in the future anything in her name will be taken to fund her care which would include a second home in her name.

You seem to be shouldering the bulk of all the household costs so I think you need to look at this and be a bit more assertive with your OH about what you’re paying for and what you’re not paying for eg £17 on wine for your OH is not a good use of your money.

You’ve a lot to think about and some potentially difficult decisions ahead. However once you’ve made the decisions and start to action them that will hopefully make you feel much more positive about things. You are only young and you’ve got an opportunity to create a great future for you and your boys.

Good evening Purplelady65,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, it's really very much appreciated.

I do think my young age did definitely play a part, I was perhaps looking for someone to take the lead at that point in my life. My university was crashing down around me. I even pretended for nearly a year I was going to university and doing a dissertation until one night I couldn't maintain a pretence any longer and broke down on the phone to my sister in London and she very almost drove the 6 hours up to me to just hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok.

And yes she had taken most of the decisions for us both, unless it comes to technology or practical things. Home furnishings, holidays, food, what we did etc is mainly her forte. And I just paid for things on credit since the kids came along.

You seem to have hit the nail on the head with the fact that we don't know how long it would take to get it sellable condition if I move out, it comes down to trust. I told her I cannot afford rent, or even the BTL rent if I move in there and the bills at this house so she km weds to be 100% she won't get into arrears. She's applied for UC and asked if she can get an advance. Saying were split up but still co habiting. Not heard is she's been approved or not.

Mum and her sister saw how the care costs for their parents are away at all grandads life's work and so they're terrified of it happening to them. That's why theyve set about in the last 5 years buying and renting property to fund their care costs. That's the only saving grace that there may be the slightest chance they'd invest in another BTL. But now Mum is over 70( whereas when we were splitting up 2 years ago she'd get a better mortgage rate) it might have to be a different kind of mortgage, a family buy to let mortgage I think it is, with my sister involved to bring the age factor down.I was researching 2 years ago the possibility.

I agree £17 was silly of me when I'm in my overdraft on all 3 accounts now. I just can't help wanting to, every morning I still make her a cup of tea in bed even though I can't remember the last time she made me one. Or I offer to make a cuppa during the day or before I leave for work. I always text her when I know she won't reply. Or it'll be a 1.word answer. I occasionally still end a text with 2 kisses by mistake.ijust by chance the other day looking at WhatsApp I saw her last kisses to me. October 2019 lol! 🤦

So yes you're right, 19 years together she's under my skin, still in my mind. When I'm at my sister's I'll still text to ask how she is. She's been my best friend and confidant for so long, mother to my children, but now just like work colleagues.

SpireCaptain · 19 January at 10:59PM

Working_Mum said:

Hey SpireCaptain,
You have been in my thoughts recently - I hope you are getting some reprieve from your situation and you are able to get out and about working.

As you know I went through a tough divorce from my ex-H - we did a deal about his non-payment of child support for a few years whereby I got further equity in the property. We exchanged letters - signed by both of us - detailing what our agreement was and how we would move forward. A solicitor pal told me that these are contracts in all but name so whilst there may not be any "legal basis" for splitting property equity in XYZ ways (because you are not married) you can still make a agreements between the pair of you - commit it to writing and then both sign the paper to show agreement and they'll stand up in Court (if required). It works the same way as a "promissory note" does if money has been loaned.

As a minimum if you don't get something in writing where you walk away with the original then summarise back to her what you had agreed in an email and print out and keep a copy in your file. A little bit of belt and bracing could help future you..

Wishing you a nice weekend - hopefully it'll be a calm one with your boys.

((WM))

Thanks WM, that's very good advice and information. I'm sorry you had to go through that all, a solicitor mate sounds very handy in that situation!

I've rang the solicitors again to check the files for the Deed of Trust as the one they produced when I went in was from 2016 at the old house, not 2020 and the new house. But I had an awful feeling when I read it that it didn't mention my deposit being protected.
1- pay off the mortgage (£112k currently)
2- £75k to OH
3- split the remainder 50/50

3 should say £50k for me
4 split the remainder.

The lady will request the files from storage and see what it says but it maybe a case of OH and myself signing (and paying for) a new deed of trust just for 6 months til/if we sell it.

Weekend was ok thank you. Twins had a fab game of rugby in the soaking rain, played so well as did the rest of the team against the strongest in the league.

OH got back from.rugby and had a 4 hour nap.in bed so I could crack on with ebaying whilst the boys chilled.

And then last night ended up watching 4 episodes of series 2 of After the Flood on ITV.

Hope you had a nice weekend too.

SpireCaptain · 19 January at 11:12PM

foxgloves said:

Have read through your posts this morning, @SpireCaptain & what comes across strongly is that this is a toxic relationship & home life situation for you. It does really shine through how much you do & want to continue doing for your boys. The big problem as I see it in trying to move things forward is that this is an unequal relationship - it may be as a previous poster has said, that you were very young when you got together & although age gaps in relationships do tend to merge closer together as people get older, your youth at the time you got together may have created a situation in which major decisions were taken primarily by your partner, who would have been used to running a household & have established her own thoughts about finances.Things can't continue like this. I can understand how difficult it all feels at the moment, but I think it is time for you to work on a clear exit strategy away from your partner. Getting yourself independent will doubtless be challenging, but I think after a long time of your current living situation (i.e relegated to sofa, paying for essentials while your partner continues to spend on things like wine, etc, communicating via WhatsApp messages, etc), it will feel liberating. You won't have the toxicity of the relationship lurking & making you feel you can't enjoy downtime in your own home & can start to shape life as you would prefer it to be. Yes, there will still have to be contact because of her being the mother of your sons, but you won't feel like a spare wheel in your own home, where you should be able to relax. If you can extract yourself from this toxicity, you can have a fresh start. You are still young after all. I agree with previous posters that I think you will need to be the driver in moving forward the change that is needed. Your ex-partner doesn't really have any impetus to change if you are broadly keeping your head down, staying out of her way & continuing to pay for things. Time to strike out on a new chapter, however daunting it feels atm. We will all be cheering you on. I can't advise on debt plans or any of that process as our past debts were tackled via lifestyle changes & 'old-style' type household economies, but there are so many really knowledgeable people on the main DFW board, you will defo find support there going forwards.
Best of luck with it all,
F

Hi Foxgloves,

Thanks for stopping by and reading/commenting.

"Spare wheel in your own home" what a perfectly apt turn of phrase to sum it up. I know you're right, and what others on here have said and customers etc. The fresh start and next chapter will totally worth it.

Well done on clawing out of debt with perseverance and good old fashion budgeting with your OHon board together as one.

Back to the age gap one last time as I touched on it on a reply, it was so refreshing to escape.my student house and be with this mature woman who had a calm house, a job, car etc after 4 years living in dank student hovels,.once in a basement with barred windows and slugs in the bathroom. oH was my escape and showed me what real life was like.

Living on a farm with my Mum and Dad (sister older at uni) Dad was an old 72 by the time I was 18. I didn't have that regular interaction with normal working, nice housing estate, shopping in town, city life, pubs etc. So OHs world was eye opening. Like life you saw on TV shows. I loved it.

But that alienated me with my uni mates, I've never really reconnected with them which is such a shame as we spent formative 3 years together: mad holidays, nights out, visiting each other families. But now I'm just embarrassed and cringe that I chose OH over those people who were there for me.