2026: time to face facts and plan for the hard times ahead

SpireCaptain

Yesterday was a spend free day, always a bonus. 
Positives were cooking a roast pork dinner and getting the timings right for a change. Joined the alcohol reduction 2026 thread to help keep me motivated, and also will start reducing the balance on current account to a round pound every night. £1.34 moved to savings account last night. 

Direct Debits out today from Barclays current account overdraft £650 limit. 
CCs
B'card £160
B'card £90
MBNA £60
- £310 OD

Living expenses from Barclays Premier £2600 overdraft limit (£500 0% interest)
£20 twins rugby gocardless.
--£480 OD

OH asking me to take the boys for a haircut this week so need to decide if we have time tonight. Theres one barber I can go to that takes card or I mate take DS1 this week and twins next week to spread the £30 cash spend. 

Waiting game to see when the van is ready to collect from the garage today or tomorrow. Going stir crazy and itching to go out and earn some money. Will list more things from the loft on eBay today.

OHs daughter has asked if we have any weights so I'm rooting around in the bowls of the garage as we have got some that haven't been used in forever but they're stuck all the way at the rate corner so a game of garage jenga is in order to reach them for her. 

mumtoomany

Hi @SpireCaptain, me back again.

First well done on starting the savings. There was a point in my life when I would have thought that £1.34 was a fortune. Many years ago we, dadtoomany and I, were in debt. So broke that the phone was cut off. The electric and gas bills were paid, on the red bill, with cheques posted without being signed. Thus giving us another weeks grace as they had to be returned for a signature. We lived on nothing but egg and chips for weeks. We had a sack of potatoes and several dozen out of date eggs. We have come out the other side. You will too. What does not kill you, makes you stronger.

I believe you should stop paying all the cards/loans/overdrafts NOW! Not just as soon as possible. Your SOA has smaller payments for the cards listed, than you have said you are paying in the post above. Does that mean the balances are increasing? When you've stopped you should find out about affordability complaints. You seem to have been offered a huge amount of credit on a relatively small income.

Do you pay your council tax over ten months? If so you have two free months coming up. Put that into the savings. You will need savings once you have stopped paying the debts. Especially if your work is short because of the van troubles. 

Do you know anyone with hair clippers? Can you cut the boys hair yourself? I always cut my children's hair when they lived at home, boys and girls. My daughter now cuts her children's. I cut dadtoomany's hair too. Saved a fortune over the years.

Hope your van gets fixed soon, and is not too expensive, hugs, mumtoomany.xx 

MissMoneyMishap

Hi @SpireCaptain,

I've been following the last few days, but thought I'd like to chime in here to let you know, I think you're amazing. I cannot believe you are shouldering so much financial burden and thinking so selflessly about what everybody else needs. You are an exceptionally decent human, and clearly very devoted dad to three very lucky boys and a ridiculously lucky ex.

Have you and the ex sat down to work out how you get through the immediate weeks and months ahead? From you said, do you have any clear understanding of how much money is left of that £50k? And how much her ins/outs are? The reason I ask is that, and sorry, I know you need need us to pile in on her, but she's getting her nails done while you are paying for the kids haircuts on credit. I feel like the misery of a break up is difficult enough, but you shouldn't be the only one hurting; she's got to take some of the struggle.

Also, I completely understand how you feel about getting through until she's gone to bed. I live in a similar way myself.

Best wishes for getting through it - it might not be pretty for a while, but you'll come out the other side and enjoy those wonderful simple things with your sons.

SpireCaptain

mumtoomany said:

Hi @SpireCaptain, me back again.

First well done on starting the savings. There was a point in my life when I would have thought that £1.34 was a fortune. Many years ago we, dadtoomany and I, were in debt. So broke that the phone was cut off. The electric and gas bills were paid, on the red bill, with cheques posted without being signed. Thus giving us another weeks grace as they had to be returned for a signature. We lived on nothing but egg and chips for weeks. We had a sack of potatoes and several dozen out of date eggs. We have come out the other side. You will too. What does not kill you, makes you stronger.

I believe you should stop paying all the cards/loans/overdrafts NOW! Not just as soon as possible. Your SOA has smaller payments for the cards listed, than you have said you are paying in the post above. Does that mean the balances are increasing? When you've stopped you should find out about affordability complaints. You seem to have been offered a huge amount of credit on a relatively small income.

Do you pay your council tax over ten months? If so you have two free months coming up. Put that into the savings. You will need savings once you have stopped paying the debts. Especially if your work is short because of the van troubles. 

Do you know anyone with hair clippers? Can you cut the boys hair yourself? I always cut my children's hair when they lived at home, boys and girls. My daughter now cuts her children's. I cut dadtoomany's hair too. Saved a fortune over the years.

Hope your van gets fixed soon, and is not too expensive, hugs, mumtoomany.xx 

Hi Mumtoomany, wow, you really have been down to the breadline and recovered so well with a lovely family and grandchildren surrounded by love. That's really given me hope today. Thank you. 

It's incredible the range of people on here and varying degrees of indebtedness etc.  yet you all treat newbies with exactly the same compassion, understanding and no sense at all of "I've been in worse situations" . 

My Barclaycard that I opened in 2007 when I was at uni was the first credit I had. Mum and Dad had always said credit cards are bad etc etc. Mum has only just got a credit card at 70 with Santander just for rewards I think. 

They rented whilst I was growing  up. From a country estate so had decent rates as Dad knew the land agent and was there for 45 years. But by the time the new Duke was on the scene the rent was at market value and mum and dad decided to buy a bungalow in a town rather than out in ten sticks on a farm. 

They still had no need for credit/mortgage as they bought it with cash. Dad had 10 years there but died in 2020 aged late 80s. Mum is just past 70 now so they had a 24 year age gap (a bit like me and OH- 13 years- perhaps that's one reason for OH feelings that Mum doesn't  like her, even though she's been in similar situation) 

Mum has just renovated the bungalow after 15 years as she was caring for dad and her parents latterly so never got it up to modern standards. She confided in my sister she doesn't feel right spending so much on renovation whilst I'm in such deep debt but I said to my sister this is all.my own doing and mum deserves a nice kitchen and bathroom etc after all these years. 

I know you're right that I need to stop paying everything asap. That would stop CC payments in Feb of

-£150

-£270

-£160

-£90

-£60

-£80

-£80

-£106 (bounce back loan)

= £986 in Feb.

That would get me out of my personal overdraft and the month after out of my business overdraft. Or is that not a good idea? Just move any payments I receive to a middle account and then onwards to my new safe account where I have set up new mortgage and utilities DD?

I was eventually given access to £80k credit card limits and I never said my gross turnover was more than £35k as it wasn't even with 2 rental properties. MBNA and Barclaycard both gave me 2 cards. NewDay have increased my limit by £1500 in the past 3 months too even though I'm so indebted. 

Still no news on the van being ready. I'll ring at lunchtime. Had a customer text yesterday when I'm back round to clean.  Apologised and they understood as they are self-employed gardeners too. 

No spend day yesterday. Have a way a few things on Facebook free site that hadn't sold on marketplace or eBay for months. 

Made £69.50 from weighing in scrap metal id got in the garage (£7.50) but OH has an allotment with 2 old greenhouses in bits so weighed in the aluminium and it was £60. Said I'd transfer it to OH when it clears.

Virgin media came out today so that's taken me over the interest free amount on personal account. 39.9% Apr kicks in. Small fry in the scheme of things. 

OH daughter is actually a hairdresser, she cut the boys hair to start with but hasn't got about 5 years. I say I'll pay her but never materialises. I offer to buzz cut the boys but OH says no way. 😅

SpireCaptain

MissMoneyMishap said:

Hi @SpireCaptain,

I've been following the last few days, but thought I'd like to chime in here to let you know, I think you're amazing. I cannot believe you are shouldering so much financial burden and thinking so selflessly about what everybody else needs. You are an exceptionally decent human, and clearly very devoted dad to three very lucky boys and a ridiculously lucky ex.

Have you and the ex sat down to work out how you get through the immediate weeks and months ahead? From you said, do you have any clear understanding of how much money is left of that £50k? And how much her ins/outs are? The reason I ask is that, and sorry, I know you need need us to pile in on her, but she's getting her nails done while you are paying for the kids haircuts on credit. I feel like the misery of a break up is difficult enough, but you shouldn't be the only one hurting; she's got to take some of the struggle.

Also, I completely understand how you feel about getting through until she's gone to bed. I live in a similar way myself.

Best wishes for getting through it - it might not be pretty for a while, but you'll come out the other side and enjoy those wonderful simple things with your sons.

Hi MissMoneyMishap

Thank you for those lovely words and support. It really means a lot to me. Even at 38 my Mum sent me a compliment the other day on WhatsApp when I sent a photo of my thinning hair (I think all this stress is playing havoc with my body- my hair just doesn't seem to grow!) I read on another forum someone's kidneys packed in through stress and reading of excess cortisol effects rings true in how I'm feeling).

 An 80 year old customer a couple of years ago said about my OH she'll never find another one like you which made me blush but I think OH is happy to be in her own words a crazy cat lady with 15 cats whens she's retired as she's said she is off men for life after me. 

I'm sorry to hear your home life means you're similarly on edge. I hope things can get better for you somehow. 

I'm not sure how deep in debt OH is, perhaps £3-4k I'd imagine after I gave her the £10k 2 years ago. 

She keeps applying for fulltime jobs, I think she wants to get full-time just to get a mortgage application through perhaps and then reduce hours once moved. She's filled in a change of circumstances (assuming it's relationship breakdown) on Tesco bank CC so not sure if that's applying for breathing space or arrangement to pay.

The boys have 2 school friends (one in each of their years) and OH arranged for me to collect a fold out chair bed she was getting rid of so that was another job to box off yesterday. 

The boys recognised it was their friends chair and were all giddy. Our boy cat perched himself atop of it and loves it. It's for when the Grandkids stay over but this is where I'm confused and in limbo.

 Why would OH get a chair bed when we're moving at some point and it won't fit in a 3 bed she can afford. It has happened every 6 months for at least 6/7 years where I "have to move out", all hell breaks loose for a week or two and then somehow she calms down (nothings changed with me or the boys - we just carry on).

Every time it happens it adds to my anxiety. That's why I think I need to start DMP sooner rather than later as who knows I may get another stay of execution for 18 months but at least I'm 18 months further towards defaults dropping off. 

Yesterday she told me not to give away anything on Facebook from the car boot pile in the garage, even though we're supposed to be getting rid of things ready to separate. She's not had a car boot sale for 7 years and she can't take everything with her so I don't know her real intentions. 

My head and emotions are all over the place. I can tiptoe around and bide my time but 5-6 months later she'll say "you've not moved out yet, I can't do the house up if you're still here". Etc. all the time I'm getting into debt as my mental health tanks and I can't get motivated for work when it's just firefighting the debt and no happiness at home apart from the boys. 

mumtoomany

Morning, @SpireCaptain.

I think I can see a flicker of a light bulb going on. Yes, stop the payments for February. You need a bank account with someone you don't owe money to. I think you may already have one. Manually set all direct debits for utilities, HMRC, etc to come out of that one. Empty your other bank current accounts. Let the overdrafts just become another debt to pay back. (Not sure about the business account one. Maybe get someone on the main sight to tell you about that). With 9 credit cards, one more debt will make no difference to your credit score etc, but will make a difference to the money you have to pay for necessities. 

I think you ex is having issues of her own. Difficult as it is, you need to try not to get embroiled in them and work on what you need to do. 

Well done selling the scrap, a little more for the emergency fund. Keep up the good work.

Hugs, mumtoomany.xx 

SpireCaptain

Definitely. Time to get my house in order and make sure the boys are catered for. I can go without as long as they're happy. The worst thing will be telling them were separating but they're resilient and have all the love I can give. 

That LBM is hopefully not too many days/week away. OH has applied for UC and looking at Dominican Republic Holidays in 2027 so need to snap out of this malaise and be proactive. I'll ring my sister and then my Mum tonight to update/tell her. Thank you. I've got this 🤞 enjoy your afternoon 

MissMoneyMishap

I'm not a fan of your ex other half, just saying for the record! 

You deserve happiness. You deserve respect and you deserve stability. Struggling with anxiety is a huge concern, and living in this limbo for so long sounds like a rollercoaster ride that you just don't know how long you're going to have the endure.

I wonder how much control you feel you have over the various different roles you have in your life? And maybe, that is causing some of the anxiety, because you sounds like you don't have control over at least some elements. 
Whether the relationship ends for example sounds like that's been up to her, whether you can work varies on the weather, the van being up and running etc. You know your financial stuff, but don't know hers.

I am just thinking that as you start to move forward into the weighing pros and cons to actually making decisions and moving them on, if despite the decisions being hard, that could start to help your MH. Just a thought. As @Mumtomany said, you seemed to have a lightbulb moment above where the theory of stopping your payments, moved on to your working out the cashflow - did that process start to make you feel like you were gaining something?

Keep going! We're all here with you. x

SpireCaptain

I totally agree, when I'm able to to begin to start making decisions for myself, weighing them up for and against and living with the consequences, I do believe I will start to chip away at the cloud over me. 

I left home and went to uni, carefree and bankrolled by parents/holiday jobs over summer. I had a health condition discovered (adrenal tumour that was removed and needs lifelong follow-up) that really knocked me sideways and questioned if I was cut out for uni. Through that period I met OH and within a year we were living together and have been for 17 years. So you can see I've never really had that chance to be my own person and live independently and live with the consequences of my actions/finances. 

Like you say for all intents and purposes we have separate lives, finances just with the house and boys as common denominators. I know I don't hold much or any sway in decisions and so I just started giving up from 2020 onwards when we wasted £1800 on surveys etc for a flat and salon for her daughter that the valuation came down too low. That would've wiped out £25k of the mortgage renovation fund. I just felt strongarmed and kind glad it failed but it cost us.

I had plans drawn up by a customers son for an extension for £300. OH got fed up of waiting for technical drawings so paid £900 for the same plans just copied verbatim from the planning portal and we still didn't get an extension. And lastly OH bought a £12k caravan with the money. Used it 6 times in 2 years. I paid for£400 for a towbar and £400 x 2 for storage and eventually sold the caravan for £5k before Christmas. So you can see why I lost all sense of control or input in family finance conditions. 


******"

Good news the van is ready to be collected 

Bad news it's £450 cash. I've taken it out at the ATM but thinking of paying myself with my card reader from a credit card. At least I can work tomorrow. Some clarity. 

SpireCaptain

Yikes. £450 was labour only £324 for parts .... DMP looking more and more appealing 😔