2026: time to face facts and plan for the hard times ahead

SpireCaptain

Working_Mum said:

Hello SpireCaptain,
I felt compelled to post as I can feel the desperation you are feeling through your posts.

You are not alone and a lot of people on this Forum will have walked in your shoes and will support you.

I think you have more choices than you think - some of them may be a bit uncomfortable for you to consider at the moment but I think you need to get into a space where you can consider all of your options safely and clearly.

What are you doing to help with your mental health?? You have been living with the stress of your situation for a very long time now and are overwhelmed. There may be free therapy you can access which will help you navigate the coming months and years.

Can you give some thought to some long term goals which you can work towards. Top of your list I think will be staying connected to your children, You are already doing this in a very real way and it is apparent the  joy they bring you. Once you have some goals in place you can start to benchmark any actions you are about to take against these goals - ask yourself is what I am about to do going to take me towards my goals or away from them??

You have an option to start a new life by moving into your rental property. This may sound harsh but you should prioritise YOU at this point as you are no good to anyone if you can't work because you're not rested properly. I'd give very serious thought to giving your tenants notice and moving in there yourself - yes there will be some extra miles to cover to see you kids and there will be some changes you'd need to make to your mortgage BUT it would give you a clear space which is yours for you to be able to think clearly, heal from the breakdown of your relationship and start a new life - it'll also give you ex a chance to see whether she can afford to stay where she is and then make some decisions about what her options are. This may then mean you have a clear way ahead about selling the current family home and can plan accordingly.

As far as getting your van sorted is concerned - can you take it to a different garage which DOES take cards?? This may be quicker route for you.

I want through a nasty nasty break up and divorce from 2009 with 2 kids, big mortgage, small / variable self employed income and an ex who didn't pay his way for many years. It was super super hard but my goals were:-
1. keep my kids in their home
2. keep my kids connected to their extended family
3. pay off my debts
4. be mortgage free (took me 11 years but I did it!!)
5. not be angry or bitter towards my ex
6. grow through the challenge and be a better person
7. behave with kindness and integrity at all times (but don't be a pushover)

You are clearly a kind and loving Dad SpireCaptain and you still young enough to build a fabulous life for you and your kids - you've simply got a couple of big decisions to make now which will unlock your future. What I feel is that your current living situations feel unsustainable for you and you deserve so much more.

Keep posting and I feel sure you'll find a way ahead.

Big hugs,

((WM))

Hi WM, I'm sorry I've only just had time to sit down and make time to read your post. What a lovely post and welcome to the forum from you and BlackCat. 

Honestly that's just been so heartening to read and has given me a boost now my OH has gone to bed and my anxiety calms down. 

Your story is really inspiring. I'll make sure to delve into your posts on here to glean what I can from your decisions and succceses. Congratulations on that tough journey that resulted in a better life for you and your children and family. And being mortgage free sounds idyllic, one less worry!

Those 7 steps are a fantastic testament  to your efforts, you can be rightly proud of achieving them, I definitely need to look past the here and now and look to set some longer term goals. Plan for retirement, plan for the boys teenage years and college/uni and first car etc. These life events will come sooner than I realise and be over in a blink if an eye but I want to be present in the moment to enjoy them rather than this detachment I have felt for far too long. 

I can be with the boys or my family (every couple of months as they live halfway down the country so don't see them as frequently as we would if closer) and still be inside my debt hole in my head. Or thinking we better rush back as OH will be expecting us. So I never fully engage or feel like I'm participating in enjoying the moment.

I think that break from living here would be beneficial. And the sensible option would be moving into the rental as it's 3 beds. Practicality wise I'm not so sure due to the lack of off street parking and needing to produce pure water for my window cleaning. Currently the van is backed up the garage and the filtration is inside the garage fed from the tap into the van. 

The rental house just has shared parking bays about 20m from the property with no garage. I could sell the property and pay some debts or a tears worth of rent somewhere in the village we live in now. It would buy some breathing space. 

There is a 3 bed semi 2 streets away from our house now that's up for sale. It's underpriced as it needs a lot of work doing to it. I sent it to Mum on WhatsApp to see if it would plant a seed in her mind as a potential investment property for her and her sister to buy and rent out but she just said they can't see themselves buying anymore properties in the current government term and market conditions 😕 

It's 160k and done up it would be 215k. I need to tell Mum this weekend I've the phone and perhaps see if it would be an option.

I was referred to counselling service 2 years ago but after the initial phone conversation I didn't feel able to commit to 6 one hour zoom meetings during working hours. I don't have a laptop and it would be on my phone. I said financially I'd have to work and also the evening session would be when the boys had rugby and OH wouldn't take them so I just cancelled. 

I had a wobble last Christmas and ended up in a and e with BP spikes over 215/110. My OH brother drove me to hospital. The week after I took myself during work hours and they blue lighted me to a and e. So a day lost working then. The GP gave me 4 weeks diazepam to see me through Christmas but they made me feel worse. 

Summer 2025 the GP finally put me on blood pressure medication as it was mega high through stress. I've asked for 2 months worth now as I was paying 9.99 every 4 weeks and it was just going on credit card and then they gave me another prescription so £20 in December so that's when I asked to spread it out. 

I've been waiting for a referral to lipid clinic as I had mega high cholesterol after a blood test in July. Terrified me the way the GPp rang up and said he thought it was genetic. I had t fasted for it so I asked for a repeat where I fasted and it was back to 2008 levels but the heeby jeebys were put up me and the referral is still in place. It was due in September and the hospital say it's now likely to be April. More stressful.

 It did kick start me into losing weight and I shed 2 stone (from 19st) in 8 weeks and I felt better for it but Christmas I think I've put on half a stone. 17st.7lb

Sorry for rambling. I don't get to talk to many people. There's 3 or 4 really good customers that have become good friends that I can talk openly with. More openly than with my sister or Mum as they see me every few weeks so know the home life situation. They're all older than me in there 60s-70s but great fun. Ones been divorced and we have a real giggle, she has a giant dog that's taller than her in back legs. Feeds her raw meat even though she's a bege6. Real love for a pet!

The other chap was the one helping me try and sort the van out and he always helps me with bike problems for the boys. He's got daughters that have been divorced and knows what it can be like with children involved etc. 

The same counselling service I declined, I found out OH was offered and taken up when I saw her on a zoom meeting. She persisted with the groups zoom and then got onto the 6 hour long face to face a(during work time she's employed so just takes it as her lunch) she's not said what she talks about just that she's told them all about my family and they've confirmed her thoughts and feelings. 

That's the number one thing that irks her (and I can never ever appease her) even before my debt is her belief that Mum doesn't like her and that she doesn't care about the boys as she sees my sister's children more than ours.

She always compares her to her own Mam who passed away just before DS1 was born. But she forgets my mum is 72 and her Mam when she had her eldest daughter was in her 40s. (OH was pregnant at 19 so young grandparents who could look after grandchildren). My dad was 87 when he died in 2020 and the 7 years before that he was in from and Mum at 60 to 67 was his main carer. Plus she had her mum and dad to visit in care homes. I resugned myself to not inviting Mum up because of how OH felt so I would take the boys down to see her. Resentment for her sets in etc etc. and my relationship with my Mum is not that close as I just feel a complete failure. Not finishing university due to health (adrenal tumor) then meeting OH and moving in with her. I think it was a shock to my parents when I said 13 years ago gal and she had a daughter and I was just 20. But hey you can't change the past. 

Sorry this is so long but I have never really written this down before or told anyone apart from those 2 customers. 

SpireCaptain

Blackcats said:

What @Working_Mum says!  And her 7 goals are amazing.

i hope you find a time and a way to talk with your mum.  

Thank you. My sister has messaged tonight asking when I'm going to tell Mum. I'll do it this weekend. Then they can talk about it openly as Mum is down they're every week babysitting and not fair on my sister to burden her with it longer than she needs. 

SpireCaptain

I knew OH was using the car for work today so I had booked my train ticket last night to go to the next town and the solicitors but woke up to find all the morning trains had been cancelled. Walked the boys to school than rang a taxi. £7 for 3 miles.

The initial free meeting was quite helpful. But didn't really help that much if that makes sense?

The only options are sell or buy OH out. So realistically it's sell. Because we're not married we can't draw up a legal document to allow one of us to stay in the house until  twins are 18 as it would just be in an agreement in good faith and anything could happen in 9 years really like OH moves someone  else into the property or she fails to pay the mortgage without telling me etc. So looks like just confirm to sell. 

She said to go to court over certain things would be 20k each! So avoiding that at all costs 😂

To buy OH out we'd be looking at 75k minimum but more likely 85-95k but I'd need a guarantor to take on the mortgage if imagine (if it was even possible with my level of debt).

One scary prospect was when I said we took 50k extra mortage as cash for renovations and the solicitor said shoes name is that account in? I never have a worry until then that I couldn't prove that it wasn't her sole money. Even though I transferred it to her to put in high interest account. 

SpireCaptain

Walked the 3 miles home after going in Morrisons to buy sausages for the boys tea. Since COVID when I started shopping at Aldi at 9pm. Going into a packed supermarket gives me anxiety.

 Coupled with having to buy groceries on credit card I felt really flustered and the usual spinning headache So I was glad of the bracing walk along the coast home. 

Back in time for school run and cook the boys tea. OH finished work then went out to get her nails done 5-6.30 so a chilled hour or so with the boys. 

She came back with 2 bottles of wine. She'd told her daughter she was not midweek drinking during January. I think she'd sleep better and have less low mood and fatigue if she cut down. Since 2024 I've really cut down mainly because of the cost of 4 cans of beer is £7 sometime and 3 nights a week I can't afford it £21. If anything I spend that money on things for the boys like haircuts or school dinners.

 I do feel better. And I'd gone of the taste and enjoyment. Almost growing out of the habit. Plus I realise as her drinking has increased over the last 2 years I need to be safe to drive in an emergency. I don't know how she can afford 10-12 bottles of wine a week at £6-8 a bottle. 

My anxiety sat in the sofa and her in the chair is relaxed for the first 2 glasses but sometimes glass 3-5 she can bring up my family or my Mum or not being happy or my debt and my anxiety screams through.

If it's still early 9ish I can scrape to Aldi but if it's later I can't go elsewhere in the house as I sleep on the sofa. I just clam up and wait for her to decides she's tired and goes upstairs. Then I can unwind my coiled spring in my stomach and get my duvet out and watch TV with a cup of tea. 

SpireCaptain

Work up to the email that I knew would come. The February Tesco statement is available to view online. I'd already worked out what the minimum would be. £387. Yikes. This was the beginning of the end for affordability as 4 more cards would lose their promotional rates this year and Tesco was the first. 

A jump from £150 this month on a £13,200 balance. I could try and transfer to slightly lower APR MBNA with the hope Tesco regenerate a new 0% deal in a few months. I was hoping to use the MBNA as the worker card .ovi g balances back and forth from NewDay, Tesco then both Barclaycards by September.

Also woke up to the milkman's text. £7.60 BACS transfer every fortnight. Id not included in soa but it's another bill I can't pay credit card with so £15.20 a month cash used 

Small win was an eBay email for a sale of a £66 watch strap. 
eBay earnings this year -£84

I sold £1500 worth October to December on eBay to pay for council tax and overdraft but maybe best to revert to council tax on credit card so it's only as though paying the interest off Tesco rather than reduce balance. 

Blackcats

Well done on your e bay sales.  I find vinted is easy to sell on and there are no sellers fees.  

Could your exOH help by selling things and paying the money off the credit cards?  I assume you didn't accumulate the credit card totals all by yourself?  Also shouldn't they pay half of the council tax?  Sorry if I sound a bit mean to them but you seem to be bearing all the weight of responsibility.

beanielou

Hello. Sorry I’m a wee bit late to your thread. 

You have received some fantastic responses so far.  I urge you to remember that there is no debt problem that is insurmountable. It may take time but there’s always a solution. When Martin Lewis founded this site it was for people just like you & me. Martin says there’s no debt problem that can’t be helped. 

I was in a dire situation when I joined MSE 20 years ago and the support and advice helped me to be able to turn things around. 

You will meet many like minded people here and we all support each other. 

Please continue to post & keep plodding. 🤗

beanielou

Also please think about if you could maybe carve out time to speak to someone just to get some support just for yourself. You are going through a really tough period and some support for just you would be good. You are worth it. 

_Dolly_Rocker_

Hey @SpireCaptain just had a read through and my you're really going through it. 

I don't really have any advice for you but wanted to say just try and take it one step at a time. It's not going to be anything you can fix too quickly and that is absolutely FINE. 

I've been debt free twice now. First time I was adamant I wouldn't do it again and lo and behold I ended up back in the same situation. Both times it took a long time to get it all paid off when all I really wanted to do was just click my fingers and solve all my problems straight away. 

You also need to rethink all your plans for the future. I know you said you wanted to plan ahead for college and cars etc but please remember that before your plans would have included 2 incomes and with only your own you will need to adjust what you plan to be able to do realistically. 

Also please remember that your kids would rather have you happy and healthy than stressed over things that they won't even be thinking about. 

If you can't speak to anyone just come here. 

This forum has been a lifesaver, literally, for many people. 

You will come through the other side of this, it may not feel like it now but you will. 

SpireCaptain

Blackcats said:

Well done on your e bay sales.  I find vinted is easy to sell on and there are no sellers fees.  

Could your exOH help by selling things and paying the money off the credit cards?  I assume you didn't accumulate the credit card totals all by yourself?  Also shouldn't they pay half of the council tax?  Sorry if I sound a bit mean to them but you seem to be bearing all the weight of responsibility.

Hi Blackcats, 

I agree Vinted is super easy to sell on, I had sold a few things on there over the summer and it was ideal for getting the boys cricket and rugby equipment for cheap whilst they're growing so fast.

I've actually deleted my Vinted account and the app as it can also be too tempting to buy things when I have a down day and then suffer with buyers remorse. It happened 2 January's ago with scalextric for the boys and last summer with fishing reels. Still trying to work through selling what I bought then.

Probably only £200 in total both times but it was when things were dark and it's almost a way to feel a bit of happiness even though it's just digging me deeper into debt. A fishing reel here or the daftest of things was a vintage scalextric set in mint condition for £40 I won an auction 2 years ago. I never opened it, just stuck in the loft and I've gone to list it on eBay last month and it stinks of smoke under the bubble wrap so obviously from a smokers house. Hadn't realised for 2 years. 🫤

Unfortunately OH won't entertain helping to pay any debts, she says I'm making her get into debt herself. The debts were accumulated  over the years buying furniture, petrol, food, a couple of holidays I kidded I could pay off etc. just things for the family. I took out a Barclays loan for a new car in 2017 but payments were too high so I paid it off with a money transfer card. Things like that. Paying £120 a week commission during the franchise 3 years made me spend on credit cards for most things other than utilities. Toys,. nursery fees, clothes for boys. Etc. 

She won't pay half council tax as she says on her wage she can't and that she pays for food and boys clothes plus her bills. 
 
When we rented 2007-2012 she paid the rent and I paid utilities and we shared food etc. 2012 I took out a mortgage and have paid it since with all the utilities.