2026: time to face facts and plan for the hard times ahead

Jellytotts

I’d imagine a proper sit down conversation needs to be had with OH about the overall finances and how you both take this forward with the separation.  Lines need to be drawn about what you can and can’t afford and unless there’s a magic money tree somewhere you need to both get on board with selling the rental property, clearing the debts and getting on with the process of getting your house sold.  

Whilst you say the boys seem unphazed by you sleeping on the sofa, they will be aware that you and OH don’t spend time together and they will cope with a split.  I think it’s time to take control of the situation and not keep waiting around to see what she wants to do.   Your mental and physical health are the biggest priority here, please put yourself first.

SpireCaptain

Jellytotts said:

I’d imagine a proper sit down conversation needs to be had with OH about the overall finances and how you both take this forward with the separation.  Lines need to be drawn about what you can and can’t afford and unless there’s a magic money tree somewhere you need to both get on board with selling the rental property, clearing the debts and getting on with the process of getting your house sold.  

Whilst you say the boys seem unphazed by you sleeping on the sofa, they will be aware that you and OH don’t spend time together and they will cope with a split.  I think it’s time to take control of the situation and not keep waiting around to see what she wants to do.   Your mental and physical health are the biggest priority here, please put yourself first.

Thank you jellytots. Very sage advice. To be honest the bits have never seen us kiss, hold hands or hug (or at least won't remember) OH has said it'll be giving them a false idea of what a relationship should be and damaging I them. They are my sister and her wife showing affection and love, they know hugging and everything is part of showing live to family so I don't share her concerns. She rarely hugs the boys etc but I make sure to kiss them goodnight or at least have that physical contact be it wrestling on the floor with them or pillow fights etc. 

Do you think there is any sense in keeping the rental property? I would to sell it to the tennant as she's been in so long, since 2015 and had been no problem at all. 

I guess having the rental property would stop UC but if it's the only mortgage I have whilst in a DMP and I'm renting I may still get some working element. Not sure. 

If I could get £25k back from rental and £60k from the sale of our house I could give it to Mum to get a rental property in the village and I rent off her for 6 years. I need to ring her and tell her. And also try and have a conversation with OH. Last night ended up being 3 WhatsApp messages. With her saying I should move into the rental whilst she sorts this house so no progress. 

Working_Mum

Hey SpireCaptain
Have you thought about having the conversation with the tenant about actually buying the property??

I don't want to sound harsh but I read your posts I can't see much action being taken to actually improve your situation. Even if you are doing things which remove one option or another that is at least moving things forward and gives you better clarity about the actual choices available to you..

Living in your rental, whilst self managing a DMP would keep you stable for a few years without having to worry about applying for new mortgages / rents etc etc. There is a compromise on the water front for your van BUT this is manageable and from a position of having disposal income from your earnings.

I'd hate you to be in a this position is 3 months time as I think your MH will be shot. Your relationship is corrosive to your soul and she is treating you very badly - it is evident there is zero sign she wants to work with you or support you in any way to move things on. To be honest she seems perfectly happy living her life the way she is doing - without any regard to you and the impact of her actions on you.

The only way your situation will change is if you make change happen - this can be at your speed in a planned way or potentially in a much more challenging way if you don't seize a bit of control whilst you still have options and a good credit file.

Keep posting as I think it is helping you clarify some of your thoughts and you've had some great advice from people here which you could take forward.

I hope you've earned a good days wage now your van is back and that you've spent some quality time with your boys.

Sending you peace.

((WM))

MayDogsandCoffee

I am slightly astounded that she has had £17 for wine when school dinners need paying for.  As others are saying I think you need to sort an action plan for next 6 months, one year and then beyond but really concentrate on this first 6 months.  Decide where you are going to live, if you are selling the house get it on the market, have chats with a couple of estate agents about value of both properties, and maybe which would sell faster, sound out your tenant, you could knock off the price of agents if going for a private sale with them.  Once you are living in separate accommodation do you intend to have custody of the boys, you need to consider the options and how the logistics of that would work.  You shouldn't be sleeping for so long on a sofa, it is damaging to your health so try and get a single bed in somewhere, even if it means her giving up some space.  I a bit of a cynic and thinking she is hoping you leave so she gets to stay in the house long term without picking up bills.  You don't need to respond to some of the questions I have posed, they are just for you to consider.  Get help with that action plan from either family or citizens advice or have you heard of  https://andysmanclub.co.uk/  maybe check in with them for a session and get some support that way.

Purplelady65

I have read all your posts and it comes across that you are really doing your best for your boys which is great. However it also comes across that your OH is controlling you and expects you to do her bidding. I wonder if that’s because you were very young when you met her and she was a lot older than you that she made all the decisions and you just fell in line? Has she always made the decisions and told you what you are or not doing? 

I don’t think you have a clear plan of what you need or want to do yet so I agree with OPs you need to make some decisions and then put an action plan together. Are there friends and family you could talk through your ideas with?  It also sounds there is a risk that if you leave the property the OH will not make any effort to sell the house and you will still end up paying for things as your name will still be on the mortgage and you won’t want to end up in arrears. 

I agree with others that you shouldn’t be sleeping on the sofa. It sounds a very stressful living environment so the sooner you can get a plan together and action it the better. Also your thought of giving your mum some money for her to buy a house and then you rent it off her probably isn’t the best idea. I think you said your mum already owns a house so a second house would be liable to capital gains tax. Also you said your mum is 70 years old and a widow. If she needed care in the future anything in her name will be taken to fund her care which would include a second home in her name. 

You seem to be shouldering the bulk of all the household costs so I think you need to look at this and be a bit more assertive with your OH about what you’re paying for and what you’re not paying for eg £17 on wine for your OH is not a good use of your money. 

You’ve a lot to think about and some potentially difficult decisions ahead. However once you’ve made the decisions and start to action them that will hopefully make you feel much more positive about things. You are only young and you’ve got an opportunity to create a great future for you and your boys. 

Working_Mum

Hey SpireCaptain,
You have been in my thoughts recently - I hope you are getting some reprieve from your situation and you are able to get out and about working.

As you know I went through a tough divorce from my ex-H - we did a deal about his non-payment of child support for a few years whereby I got further equity in the property. We exchanged letters - signed by both of us - detailing what our agreement was and how we would move forward. A solicitor pal told me that these are contracts in all but name so whilst there may not be any "legal basis" for splitting property equity in XYZ ways (because you are not married) you can still make a agreements between the pair of you - commit it to writing and then both sign the paper to show agreement and they'll stand up in Court (if required). It works the same way as a "promissory note" does if money has been loaned.

As a minimum if you don't get something in writing where you walk away with the original then summarise back to her what you had agreed in an email and print out and keep a copy in your file. A little bit of belt and bracing could help future you..

Wishing you a nice weekend - hopefully it'll be a calm one with your boys.

((WM)) 

foxgloves

Have read through your posts this morning, @SpireCaptain & what comes across strongly is that this is a toxic relationship & home life situation for you. It does really shine through how much you do & want to continue doing for your boys. The big problem as I see it in trying to move things forward is that this is an unequal relationship - it may be as a previous poster has said, that you were very young when you got together & although age gaps in relationships do tend to merge closer together as people get older, your youth at the time you got together may have created a situation in which major decisions were taken primarily by your partner, who would have been used to running a household & have established her own thoughts about finances.Things can't continue like this. I can understand how difficult it all feels at the moment, but I think it is time for you to work on a clear exit strategy away from your partner. Getting yourself independent will doubtless be challenging, but I think after a long time of your current living situation (i.e relegated to sofa, paying for essentials while your partner continues to spend on things like wine, etc, communicating via WhatsApp messages, etc), it will feel liberating. You won't have the toxicity of the relationship lurking & making you feel you can't enjoy downtime in your own home & can start to shape life as you would prefer it to be. Yes, there will still have to be contact because of her being the mother of your sons, but you won't feel like a spare wheel in your own home, where you should be able to relax. If you can extract yourself from this toxicity, you can have a fresh start. You are still young after all. I agree with previous posters that I think you will need to be the driver in moving forward the change that is needed. Your ex-partner doesn't really have any impetus to change if you are broadly keeping your head down, staying out of her way & continuing to pay for things. Time to strike out on a new chapter, however daunting it feels atm. We will all be cheering you on. I can't advise on debt plans or any of that process as our past debts were tackled via lifestyle changes & 'old-style' type household economies, but there are so many really knowledgeable people on the main DFW board, you will defo find support there going forwards.
Best of luck with it all,
F

mumtoomany

Morning, @SpireCaptain. Hope you're well and work is going OK again now. 

I have read through all the sage advice of the last few posts. And I must say i agree totally. One thing to add. In twenty or thirty years time, when you look back, will you be saying "I wish I'd stuck it out longer, the debt, the sofa sleeping, the lack of communication, etc" or "I'm so glad I got out when I did, even though it was a tough decision at the time" ? Remember you have only one life. 

Hope you find resolution soon, hugs, mumtoomany.xx 

beanielou

Also have been thinking about you. 

Have you spoken to Christians Against Poverty. 

They help with debt and practical assistance. 

It would help you to have someone for you to chat to. You do not have to be a christian to use them. I have heard of them. 

Take care of yourself 🤗

SpireCaptain

joedenise said:

Does your ex OH actually spend any money on the boys?  It seems you do all the spending on them while she just spends on herself.

Can she not pay the school dinner arrears for example?  Doesn't seem fair that you need to use your CC to pay it off.

Hi, sorry I've been avoiding the diary for a few days since going back to work burying my head again. 

It was just when she said she needed to drop hours down to 3.5 days a week to help her with her Peri Menopause symptoms and fatigue, that I said I'd pay for the meals as I'd be earning more. She buys all the clothes for them and does the Morrisons shopping to complement what I get from Aldi. 

I just think whilst the debt is on 0% I'll use that payment twice, once for card minimum and then for the school meals. Seemed okay when it was the start of 20 months 0% but into the last 6 months and the balance has crept up. 

Thank you for commenting and reading. I'm getting confidence again to read through everyone's lovely and well meaning replies even though I just freeze if I see anyone's offering me attention. I'm the same with contacting friends, just a learned behaviour I need to change to stop ghosting family or people that reach out to me.