Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay off son's debts for a second time?

helpmebob

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My son moved back in with me after splitting from his wife eight years ago. Now two of his daughters live with us too, and he has just quit his job as the hours didn’t work with childcare. He owes £20,000 to banks and credit card firms. Do I give him the cash to clear it? It’d give him breathing space to find a new job and help him provide for the kids. But it’s every penny I’ve got, and it’d be the second time I’ve bailed him out. He never paid me back before.

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No absolutely not, please do not do it. You are so kind to do it the first time, if you do it again he will never learn, and he will just come back for more.

helpmebob

No absolutely not, please do not do it. You are so kind to do it the first time, if you do it again he will never learn, and he will just come back for more.

Jemma01

OP needs to connect the dots. He clearly doesn't care he's in debt, he actively chose to quit his job despite the debt. He even quit before he found another job to keep the children from going hungry or cold, cuz his mum is doing the father job. You can't make him care about his decisions, it needs to come from him. For the sake of his daughters who soon will become your problem (if not already), save your money for yourself first and foremost, and then to help the girls who don't have a good father figure. That debt affects them as well.

lincoln_dj

Pay the minimum monthly payments for as long as it takes - on the condition they don't rack up any more debt,  you're given login access to check this, and they attempt to move as much to 0% deals as possible.

This relieves the child of any stress associated with servicing the debt, without completely absolving them of fiscal responsibility. It also allows the parent to help without spoiling their child.

The child can focus on looking for a job and the kids. The parent doesn't potentially waste £20k in one go. Win-win!

Eccentrica_Gallumbits

Has your son asked you to help him out this time? More to the point, did he ask you to help him out the first time, and if so, did you make it clear he needed to repay you for it?

If he asked you the first time, and you said he would need to pay you back but he then did not do so, then I'm afraid it's time for tough love and you should hang onto your money or expect it to be taken and not paid back to you a second time.

I certainly would not be actively offering to help him out this time (even if you did so first time round), although you might offer to act as a second pair of eyes after he has drawn up his plan to repay and/or his new budget. That should give him confidence his plans to repay his debts are sound and sensible.

Having said that, I learned the lesson about properly managing my finances after my parents helped me out - and it wasn't just once, although it wasn't often, and it wasn't the kind of sums the OP is talking about.

A person might do better to be taught these skills by a parent rather than have to discover them alone and apply them to their own life. But if you don't feel able or willing to teach your son, there are budgeting skills lessons all over YouTube and here on this forum or some councils or debt counselling agencies also run classes or support sessions with appropriately qualified advisers. If your son attended a class it might teach him a) that he is not alone in having made poor decisions and b) that it is never too late to take responsibility for your life and your finances. It will not harm him in later life if he finds he meets a woman with whom he forms a relationship and she discovers he has managed money badly before, as long as she can see he has faced up to it and paid it back. The point is not to treat him like he is someone to be ashamed of, when what is true is that he has made some poor decisions.

Old dogs CAN learn new tricks and I don't think it's kind or helpful immediately to judge the son as a wastrel and a spendthrift when we don't have all the information needed given in the original post. It is possible to change and become responsible, or I wouldn't be here and managing my money in a way my late father would be pleased to see.

I hope this minority view helps!

gloriouslyhappy

Same opinion as the majority - no, don't do it. Look up free local financial planning classes / info / counselling and pass it on to him. 

Make sure he's not trying to access your banking accounts or piggyback on your accounts.

Gaberdeen

No. Any further questions?

Kiwicat11

Yes, of course you should pay off your sons debts.  You've got the money and clearly that was how you bought him up.  You paid them off once, so why shouldn't he expect you to do the same again?  My advice would be for you to spend less and save more so you can plan for next time he gets into debt.  It almost sounds like you are pushing him to get a job when he can sit at home [your home for the last eight years] and free load. Try to give him a bit extra so he can enjoy himself at Christmas and not have to worry about money!
Hope that helps...