Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay off son's debts for a second time?

tattybogle2

If you leave yourself penniless how will that help anyone? He does not seem to worry about his children having to live with you as well as himself so is using you as a cash cow. He should have learned his lesson the first time and not repeated the same mistake .Do not do it again ! 

tibby_tiptoes

I don't  think you should bail out his debt.
 You said you had done so before so he maybe expects you to do it again, but it will not help in the long term. You are actually helping by giving him and his kids a place to live. 
You could maybe consider helping in some way towards childcare, but make it clear it would be temporary and he has to sort himself out.
First and foremost his responsibility is to his kids, but that includes doing his best to do right by them by making considered choices.
You didn't really elaborate on the circumstances of childcare/job quitting. But did he talk to you about it? Before he did it? I ask as if he quit his job with no plan as to what to do next, but was already staying with you, I think it was definitely something he should have discussed. 
I'm afraid he might the sort of person who does things without discussing and thinking through because perhaps he's used to being helped and not really having to deal with things.
Being a single parent is bloody hard, but he's already in a better position than many, having you giving him free accommodation. 
Sometimes you have to work awful jobs for rubbish wages just to put food on the table for your kids.
It's hard to give proper advice without knowing all the circumstances, but he's been separated from his wife eight years. Has he been living with you all that time?
How old are the kids? Is the youngest eight or older? How old is the eldest living with you? If the job means not having childcare for a couple of hours, but you are talking about kids that are older and not being in a risky scenario, is this really an issue?
I was admittedly a mature kid for my age, but I was occasionally a latchkey kid looking after my younger sister, when I was about 13 and she was 10. Never longer than a couple of hours or so, between finish of school and when our mum from home from work. And she worked a lot of rubbish part time jobs when we were young to be around for us (usually cleaning jobs).
I think you have to sit your son down and tell him he needs  to make a proper plan, he's living with you - he needs to include you in that discussion and that plan. 
But he needs to know he has to deal with this. Is he actively looking for ways to deal with his debt? Is he looking at MSE advice articles?
I know he's your son and you love him and want to help.
YOU ALREADY ARE!
He needs to do the rest and step up. 

julie777

Apologies if this has been said already. But there are ways of getting debt advice. Not just on the forum but through citizens advice for example. Even your council website may have info. Or google it. Even if you paid for a session with an Independent Financial Advisor it may be more productive and enlightening for him.

RAS

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My son moved back in with me after splitting from his wife eight years ago. Now two of his daughters live with us too, and he has just quit his job as the hours didn’t work with childcare. He owes £20,000 to banks and credit card firms. Do I give him the cash to clear it? It’d give him breathing space to find a new job and help him provide for the kids. But it’s every penny I’ve got, and it’d be the second time I’ve bailed him out. He never paid me back before.

I'm at a loss. He split up 8 years ago, so the daughters are at least 7+years. Could even be teens?

I presume the ex has access to the children? If so, your son needs to look at fixing some school holiday care with her. Instead of throwing in the towel, he needs to look at what breakfast and afterschool care is available then work out what hours he can work, using access time to top up his hours. And check what CMA and benefits he can claim.

When his relationship broke down, he took the easy option, and he's still there 8 years later? When his daughters need a home, he adds them to your responsibilities? When childcare is an issue, he takes the easy option again.

Your son is still not an independent adult, what's that teaching his daughters?

He needs work, even part-time work, sort the CMA and benefits, get accommodation. 

Mean-time he can get help sorting out his debts. DFWers do a good job but he probably needs more active support like CAB or Christians Against Poverty. People who can ask exactly how he got £20k debt?

The help costs nothing, and it may be that he won't end up spending £20k getting back on track.

Don't waste your life savings paying for debt which your son doesn't have to pay back in full.

And help him to stand on his own two feet.

westierulesok

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My son moved back in with me after splitting from his wife eight years ago. Now two of his daughters live with us too, and he has just quit his job as the hours didn’t work with childcare. He owes £20,000 to banks and credit card firms. Do I give him the cash to clear it? It’d give him breathing space to find a new job and help him provide for the kids. But it’s every penny I’ve got, and it’d be the second time I’ve bailed him out. He never paid me back before.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
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I dont think paying off debt for someone for a second time is helpful. They need to take responsibility and sort out their own debt

tuffet1

I really hope you didn't bail him out again! He is already leaning on you enough by living rent free with his kids. I am sure this was also the main reason he could 'afford' to quit his job! It took me 6 years to sort out personal money issues (£30k+ of debt) but i managed it without free handouts and with the help of others on this and other debt help forums. 

MEM62

Ms_Chocaholic said:

Are these real or just made up for entertainment?

I think the latter.  

pixiebel81

MEM62 said:

Ms_Chocaholic said:

Are these real or just made up for entertainment?

I think the latter.  

MSE literally replied within 10 mins of the original post to confirm its real

MSE_Kelvin

MEM62 said:

Ms_Chocaholic said:

Are these real or just made up for entertainment?

I think the latter.  

Hey @Ms_Chocaholic and @MEM62,

Thanks for your responses to this week's Money Moral Dilemma.

For obvious reasons we keep contributors anonymous, but what I can tell you is that in the seven-odd years I've been responsible for putting MMD together, we've never made one up.

We often edit them to make them shorter, remove unecessary detail and make the dilemma clearer, but I've never been given the green light to pull them out of thin air - my job would be a lot easier if I could!

This week's was emailed to us by a fellow MoneySaver at the end of October. I usually try to send contributors a link to the forum thread, as well as to where their dilemma appeared on Facebook, Instagram and X, so they can see what responses it got

Hope that helps,

MSE Kelvin 🍻

2702

No That is not a good idea.When he runs up debt again what will you do then ?