Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay off son's debts for a second time?

CapricornLass

No, don't lend him any money.  Not a penny.  No formal written agreements to provide a loan and then he pays you back either.   Listen to my voice of experience here, - he 'll make 2 payments and then forget/won't have the money.  You are not doing him any favours, and he will never learn otherwise.

It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you must do it.

04Felix15

Hell to the no! 

You love your son I get it truly I do, I’m a big softie myself  but Hell NO! Not this time, you’re not a personal bank don’t let your  kindness be mistaken for weakness. 

You have helped in the past, you’re still helping when and where you can now.  They all live with you so 
They have essential shelter, food to eat, and love from yourself a good mum.
 He can sort this debt himself. 

Shell1989

Absolutely not. You’re doing enough having him and two grandchildren living with you.

katfishh

fatbelly said:

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My son moved back in with me after splitting from his wife eight years ago. Now two of his daughters live with us too, and he has just quit his job as the hours didn’t work with childcare. He owes £20,000 to banks and credit card firms. Do I give him the cash to clear it? It’d give him breathing space to find a new job and help him provide for the kids. But it’s every penny I’ve got, and it’d be the second time I’ve bailed him out. He never paid me back before.

Absolutely not. You shouldn't have bailed him out before.

There are many ways to deal with debt and most of them don't involve paying it off.

His priorities are (1) accommodation and (2) employment. Probably (2) is going to have to come before (1).

The debts are nonpriority if they are loans and credit cards.Stop paying them. Help him to get his situation stable and then, once it is, to post a SOA on this forum.

Totally agree


Bailing him out of debt again just creates an entitled child. He has to learn some respect (for you) and to stand on his own 2 feet.
Is he paying towards his keep, He should! He's a big boy now.

badmemory

You are going to have enough of the children needing new uniform etc etc. without being stuck with no savings to help.

RSD7a

I think it's yourself you should say No to. From the information provided, he hasn't requested it.

LameWolf

As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".
If you bail him out again, you'll have no money to cope with a genuine emergency, and when he gets in a financial hole the next time (which he most assuredly will) he'll expect you to ride to the rescue yet again, and will be annoyed that you are not able to do so because he's already cleaned you out.

teresa54

"Are these real or just made up for entertainment?"

No idea, but they're real quandaries for some, and it's useful to be forewarned and forearmed before the event, should it happen.

To the question 'should I bail son out?' I'd say no. 

Apart from other reasons already mentioned, you need that 20k as insurance against the anxiety of not having enough money for emergencies. It's your security, and his too, in a sense. You'd all be up the creek without a paddle if you didn't have that. 

Point him to StepChange. It's good, and it's free, and make sure his budget includes payment for living expenses for him and his children. You should not be feeding, clothing them or paying for utilities they use, even if you can afford it. It's not helping them become independent people, and it denies them the need to learn to take charge of their lives.

[The above is not to be taken as advice. It is only my opinion.]

pragmatism

£20,000 on what??? 

Previous loan from you. Total???? And then relinquishing employment’ for child care issues’. Did he discuss with his employer alternative hours??? How much does his child care really involve ?? who cooks for them clothes them washes up cleans up after them educates them in self care?? 

Eight years with you and no sign of independent living in that time. 

Whose idea is this loan???? Are you feeling intimidated? Hemmed in ? Seek help. 

Are you feeling responsible for his life choices and consequences of his joblessness state???You are sooooo NOT! 

Others have made it clear what is in your best interest and I concur completely.  

Lock that £20,000 away in an untouchable place  with a penalty for early withdrawal if you feel you  could give it to him in the future. It is your hard saved money and nothing to do with him. 

enthusiasticsaver

I think this may be a unanimous one but I agree No should be the answer here.  

First is because he has not paid you back from the last time you lent him money.  He should learn to budget and you cannot borrow your way out of debt.  Increasing the debt he already owes you is tantamount to debt consolidation. It is not secured debt so not a priority. 

Second is because it is your life savings and you may need that safety net.