Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay off son's debts for a second time?

PennysIntoPounds

It's a kindness to save your money for a real emergency, at the moment while very much not ideal circumstances, he has a roof over his head, a loving parent, he's trying to step up to his parenting responsibilities and he is in good enough health that he can get a different job that works better with childcare.
Please do not part with your life savings, if something happens to you and you don't have that money to keep things ticking over then you're all scuppered!
I hope things have improved since October 

CrazyBee787

I'm with penny into pounds, you need to look after number one first, if you can't stay afloat you both lose. You definetely should not part with the last bit of money you have you will need this going into retirement. You have given enough now let him learn what he needs to do. It doesn't hurt to suggest ways to help, also he should be contributing to the household costs if he gets universal credit at the moment, then he needs to give you some of that money towards food costs at least. 

Like some of the others have said ways to help could be showing your son the MSE forum, not necessarily your own confidential user name, but point him in the direction, explain that there are lots of helpful tips. Also there are jobs that accomodate parenting, he needs to get out there and look, if he isn't doing this then he may be taking you for a ride, be careful he may be your son, but he chooses his friends and maybe he didn't choose wisely and what is around you can become you.

Have a one to one conversation with him explain that you can't help him out other then a roof over his head this time, say that he needs to chip in for food also at the very least, especially for three heads and mention if he needs help with debt there is a Forum and lots of helpful information on MSE. If he bites then perhaps you have raised a wise and good son if he says but can't you.... you know what his game was all along.

Wishing you luck, Crazy.

Smudgeismydog

Paying off his debt doesn’t help him in the long run, as already experienced. Budgeting, this forum, and firm boundaries are what he needs. Him living with you, and you being around to help with the kids is a huge amount of support.

I do also agree that he should be helping towards your household costs, which will have increased.

nero33

He'll be after your house next

CapeTown

GrubbyGirl_2 said:

When I was in my early 20s (I'm 65 now), I got into debt (about half my annual salary) to the extent I couldn't make minimum payments and I went to my parents to ask for help.  They did bail me out because they didn't want it to impact my future,  BUT there were rules and consequences.  My mother was an accountant and was very money savvy of course.  The first thing I had to do was cut up my credit card and they paid off the balance.  I then had to contact my employer and arrange to have my salary paid into a new account which I did not have access to.  My mum then gave me a monthly amount to live on which she paid into the old current account and this lasted until I paid the money back.  I had enough to live on with a nominal sum for "fun", but not much.   I was a student nurse living in student accommodation the cost taken directly from my salary so my accommodation was never at risk, but I couldn't do all I wanted to do with my friends because I didn't have the money.  

It was a hard lesson but one that did me the world of good.  The only debt I have ever had from that point onwards was a mortgage.  I don't use credit at all.  If I can't afford it I can't have it.

I really don't think you're helping him by bailing him out constantly unless there are consequences - maybe a formal loan agreement, but you then have to be prepared to enforce it if he defaults.

This is the best advice ever. It should have been nipped in the bud before it got to this   but yeah fabulous 

PennysIntoPounds

Just to add to my earlier comment, when you say 'He never paid me back before', should he ask for money the response could be 'oh I'm sorry I can't afford that, I'm still waiting on the money I loaned you before!'
Might help concentrate his mind a little 🙂

Jibraeel

No, please don't 'bail him out again', as he won't learn from this. Having been in debt myself, I had to manage the hard way by working, saving, budgeting, managing my debts and (slowly, but surely)  improving my credit score so that I could achieve all of the above. You're already doing more than your fair share, so please don't even offer this to him as well. Good luck to you all.

Bingokitty

I think it’s time your son learned to start being responsible. Why did he accept a job that wouldn’t work with childcare? There are plenty of jobs these days that are very accommodating for parents, so that doesn’t wash with me. 

There’s no need to take time to find a job, you take any job just to try and clear your debts of nothing else. Getting a job whilst in a job - regardless of what it is. It’s also far more appealing to an employer. 

Save the money, by the looks of it, you’ll be bailing him out more than enough with him living under your roof. 

Instead, why not charge him rent (as he will be getting aid from somewhere) and put some of that into a pot for him. Once he starts to show signs of getting himself back on his feet you can offer it to him. 

Bailing him out just seems to be another opportunity to take out another loan or credit card, after all it’s “free” money. 

Moneycraver05

Just to add to what others have said, i'd be curious to know what he spent the 20k on. My bet is it went on junk. In which case you're just funding his lifestyle of spending freely without consequence.

The problem you have is that it sounds like your son will blame you no matter what (he doesn't seem to have a conscience yet). So you may as well keep 20k in savings in the process and let him learn the hard way!

FrugalThrills

No, and no and then some more no.