Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay off son's debts for a second time?

primrose_penguin

Definitely not, your son is not a child, he is a grown man and needs to behave like one. He has been living with you for over 8 years, does he contribute to the household costs, food etc. and now your Grandchildren are living with you too. I think you have done more than enough to help him, now he must learn to help himself and set an example to his children. Why isn't he working, surely he could find some kind of work even if part time, I don't know how old the children are but they must be at least 8 years old. I would tell him to go to the Citizens Advice centre or somewhere similar as others have suggested, they would hopefully would help him with a plan. If you give him this money, he will not pay you back again so you will be left with no back up for yourself if you need it. His debts are his, NOT yours. I remember years ago I had to move twice within a short period of time and did not have the finances to pay for the removal company, my father helped me out with a small loan to pay the removal firm, but I had to pay him back so much a week until it was cleared which I did. I don't think you would be doing him any favours by paying his debts, he needs to learn to stand on his own feet or he never will. 

Bonnypitlad

No! You’re just enabling him. You could use the £20K to support your Grandchildren. Your son will survive, he has to learn to stop spending money he doesn’t have. He is fortunate that he has somewhere to live, you ought to insist that he pays you a nominal rent too. Your son is probably still living the lifestyle of a single man

Marcon

 A comment I've made before to people posting on MSE: read your own post, because you've actually answered your own question. Consciously or unconsciously, you've ensured that people answering are highly likely to say you'd be made to give him your life savings to squander. The people answering would be right.

squirrel59

Absolutely not. If you bail him out (again!), where is the lesson in that? The best gift you can give him is to let him sort it out for himself. You are being very kind by letting them live with you. For the rest it's up to him. He's meant to be a grown-up.
I got into debt in my early 20s and asked my father to help out. He did by saying 'no', and instead to teach me how to help myself. He bought me a ledger and taught me basic accounting. I paid it off within a year and to this day still use a ledger - albeit it's called Excel nowadays. Thanks to him I became a financial adult and never looked back.

Cambsmum

Heart says yes, head says no. Compromise. Offer help with child care so he can work. Point him to debt charities. Maybe lend him a little to help with immediate issues on a strict understanding he pays you back. You don’t mention his mood or your relationship status. Debt can bring people down if allowed to overwhelm people. Try to look after you in this trying situation.

kbskylady

It's probably been said before, but your son needs help rather than bailing out with yet more of your money, especially as you said he didn't pay you back last time.  Unfortunately your kindness/soft touch means you are enabling him in his problems rather than confronting them. There may be underlying issues which he needs to address, possibly with professional help. Mental health issues are so prevalent these days, and he may have a problem with impulsive spending as a coping mechanism if he feels his life is not a good one. Are you able to sit down with him and ask if he has something worrying him that's leading to his financial probems?  It's concerning that he has quit his job (which means he won't be entitled to state benefits) and has also moved 2 of his children in with you.  Why?  How old are they? Where is their mother in all of this?  Do the remaining children live with her? I feel there's possibly more going on than just a bad money management, and if the issue(s) is not dealt with you will potentially also end up in financial hock, especially if out of a misjudged sense of kindness you try to help him by taking out loans yourself when he needs help again (which it seems he inevitably will).  That's a situation you really don't need. I hope that you can find support with this yourself; intervention seems to be urgently needed.  Good luck.

kbskylady

Following up on my earlier comment, your son can apply for a Debt Relief Order to clear his debts.  It's a legal process, and there are penalties - he will have to open a basic bank account (no overdrafts allowed), he won't be able to get credit for some years,and there will be a note on his credit file (it does fall off after a period of years). He will need to pay for this process (around £90 I believe) which is small change when you consider he will be debt free within a short time if the DRO is approved and granted  It's the grown up way to deal with his debt, instead of quitting his job and getting Mum to sort his problems out. Once he's got the DRO sorted he needs to look to he future, start over, find work that he can do around his children, and find out from Citizens Advice what help/assitance he is entitled to. Good luck.

twitcher1973

I would advise him to apply for Breathing Space to give himself a period of time to contact debt advice services such as StepChange or CAP. 

If you bail him out a second time he won't change his spending habits to stop it happening again.

jas2020

YES, but not all of it. I suspect he hasn't paid because he can't at the moment rather than not wanting to....

If he has split from his wife 8 years ago and is providing full childcare than he sounds like a good man living up to his resposibility. His ex-wife should be contributing 16% of her gross pay as being the paying parent towards children's maintainenace, if she is on benefits then a flat rate of £7pw can be deducted. They both had a hand in making them so are both responsible.

He can also apply for benefits or go part time if you are providing some of the childcare which I suspect must've have been the reason for them moving in otherwise he should be entitled to benefits and housing from the local authority but he may need to be looking for work? He should also be recriving the child benefit and not going to the ex wife.

He needs to pay off his debts with the highest interest with any income that he receives so that he can get himself back on his feet again.

Rocketdogroya

He has been living with you for over 8 years and still got into 20k of debt? even though he didn't have the usual outgoings? He is obviously not money savvy unless you are charging him the going rate of rent, which I very much doubt. Paying of a debt you can't wont help him as he will just spend unwisely after and get into debt again. Helping him learn to be money wise and how to prioritise how to spend maybe a better gift in the long run as you cant always bail him out. As for the debt seek actual advise to make manageable repayments and maybe help him out with those once in a while as a bonus for actually sticking to a budget?
If he has never had to face the consequence of responsibility he won't learn how to fend for himself and his kids.
Being poor and struggling teaches you the hardest life lessons that food warmth and a roof are more important than a PS5 or an iPhone.